Whoa…be careful!
I’m a little cautious when it comes to physical activities. Some might call me a wimp.
I’ve been interviewed on live television and have testified before several governmental bodies, but I’m the first to duck when a ball comes flying in my direction.
Maybe it’s because of the time I jumped off a deck into a pile of leaves, and knocked the wind out of my chest. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t do many contact sports as a child. The closest I came was softball. Solo sports like tennis, skiing, and golf were more my jam. And really, I was just mediocre at those.
My mom once told me it’s hard to see the qualities you wish to improve in yourself present in your child. I now understand this.
I’m hoping I don’t pass on my cluttered desk or my lack of athleticism to my kid. But more than anything, I don’t want her to be afraid.
Afraid of what?
Anything, really.
I want her to feel like she can play kickball with the boys (wait, do they even play kickball anymore?) I want her to believe she can jump off the diving board, run for class president, raise her hand in class, and maybe even go to space one day.
Will I Trust My Child’s Intuition?
So with parenting, I walk the line between letting her trust her body, which is still a little shaky, and my desire to protect her head from bruises at every turn.
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent. But I also don’t want to her to slip on ice and crack her head open.
Furthermore, I’m conscious of treating her as more fragile because she’s a girl.
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I recently visited my friend and her almost 5 year-old. He stood on his bed, pretended to be a shark and repeatedly hurled his body on his bed in different contortions, like an Olympic high diver. His mom smiled knowingly, and a bit reluctantly. Surely this wasn’t the first time he’d done this. I thought to myself how adorable and fearless he is, but also wondered whether I would encourage my daughter to do the same when she gets a bit bigger.
Will I tell her to be careful? Or that hurling oneself isn’t safe? Or…will I trust her physical intuition to be a kid and be just risky enough?
The Drawbacks of Being Careful
Some believe in nature, not nurture. But the way we speak to girls and boys IS different. A study found that, after accidents, parents of girls were four times more likely to tell them to be careful in the future. On the plus side, the girls were less likely to get hurt in the future. But they also might be less likely to attempt challenging physical activities.
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If I tell her to be careful now, will she ever try rock climbing, hike mountains, or attempt to snowboard?
How to Help Your Kid Take Risks
Beyond physical challenges and the ability to take risks, our language and judgments can impact whether a kid is described as bossy or a leader; emotional or active.
Our words as parents and teachers have just as much effect, if not more, on our children’s development than books, toys, and movies do.
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It is so easy to reinforce traditional gender stereotypes with our language and not realize it. How can we, as parents, teachers, and family members, inspire our kids, especially girls, to take risks?
1. Avoid labels.
This applies both in children’s presence and even “behind their backs” when we speak to friends, family, and teachers. When Susie regales the neighborhood kids into playing the game she created, instead of “bossy,” we can describe her wealth of ideas and ability to inspire others to play along.
Adjectives tend to stick, and become labels, whether they are true or not. The quiet one, the jock, the one with the hot temper. Before we know it, our child may believe what others say about him or her.
2. Encourage kids to trust their bodies.
Today I watched (and spotted) as my toddler tried to climb up a slide on the slide, rather than up the stairs. I knew she couldn’t physically accomplish that goal yet, but I let her try for while. Rather than say “you can’t make it up that way” or “that’s too hard,” I instead observed the immense effort she channeled into this task.
“Wow, you’re trying so hard! You really want to climb up this slide. It’s a little slippery, isn’t it?”
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Sure, sometimes they will fall. But when they fall or get hurt, kids also learn that they’ll recover. If they don’t trust their bodies, they’ll never try to zip line or run a marathon. And it is in those physical acts that we gain significant confidence in ourselves to speak up in class or negotiate a better salary.
3. Try replacements for “be careful!”
This is a tricky one for me. If I had a boy, I’m convinced I’d still err on the cautious side.
Nevertheless, there are ways for us “Nervous Nellies” to remind our kids about safety while we let them be kids and try new things. One way is to be more specific about the risk. “The sidewalk is a little slippery because of the ice” is more informative about the actual danger, rather than yelling after them “watch out, be careful!” at every turn. As children get older, they more intuitively understand these risks without needing to hear it frequently.
While I don’t want to end up in the emergency room every weekend, I DO want my daughter to take risks, build confidence, and try new things.
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Hi! Great piece! This is so important. And it’s amazing how much push back one gets when we let baby and toddler girls explore and try new things, like climbing. I would always let my littles climb up big structures at parks, while spotting them attentively, regardless of other parents being nervous, giving fearful glances, or even glares. And soon my kids were so much more physically capable, had much better balance, than any other kid their age that we knew.
Thanks Rowan! That’s amazing. I love hearing your story about how that worked out. My kiddo has always wanted to hold my hand when it comes to physical challenges, and I always wonder how much of that is imposed by us and other adults not being confident in her abilities. I also notice parents tend to let boys climb on furniture more and chalk it up to them being active, while we tell girls to sit down properly. Always trying to analyze my motivations and compare how I’d act with a boy.
All parents want to protect their kids, but also want to give them room to grow and try new things. It’s such a difficult line to tread! Good suggestions for being careful with words and actions, but not overly protective and limiting. Add some good luck into the mix!