4 Myths About Independent Play + 4 Mindset Shifts

As a parent in the middle of a global pandemic, you’re busier than ever. The idea of starting a new hobby or making ravioli from scratch feels about as likely as Jen and Brad getting back together. (Nice in theory, but probably not gonna happen.) 

People say they’re bored and you think, “huh?” You’re trying to balance homeschooling, jobs, work at home schedules, Zoom classroom calls, and feeding the dog. Honestly, if you can get through the week with enough toilet paper and milk, it’s a win.  

You want your child to play more independently… so you can actually get all these things done. (Like, basic needs. Not a home renovation.)  But the truth is, they’ve gotten a little rusty at it. Or maybe they’re more clingy now than ever because of all the changes. (That’s to be expected.)

So here’s the thing. School, soccer practice, dance class, and birthday parties were all ripped away. Like a band-aid. And it’s pretty sad for our kids.

However… it’s almost kind of a hidden opportunity. It’s the perfect time for you to re-focus your kids on the simple things – – – independent play, for one.

When it felt like this quarantine business would last a couple weeks, it didn’t really matter. But now that we’re looking at the long-term, solo play is one of the most critical skills for your household right now.

You may have started to focus on how to help your kids play independently, but barriers stand in your way. So it’s time for some myth-busting!

Myth #1: As a parent, you are responsible for their play.

The Truth: You’re not responsible. Be their play coach instead of their constant play mate. 

Play is children’s work, as Maria Montessori said.

If you have young children, this isn’t the first time you’ve heard all of the benefits of play – especially independent play – for children. It helps with the obvious: children learn to problem-solve, use their imaginations, and figure out how things work. But it also helps with the skills that aren’t so obvious: emotional regulation, social, literacy, and cognitive skills. It also supports them to embrace their individuality and be self-reliant.

It’s how they learn.

And the best part is – no one has to teach a child to play. It’s something they can “just do” on their own, like learning to crawl or walk, absent a developmental disability. 

The problem is, we get in our way. Enthusiastic and loving parents (me included) eagerly spend lots of time with their babies, work to create a special bond with their child, and talk to them a lot to increase their vocabulary. Well-meaning relatives shake rattles in their faces and prop them up in seats before they’ve learned to sit.

Before you know it, you feel like the court jester. Or a clown. Your child constantly wants you to make silly faces, give voices to stuffed animals, and act out elaborate fantasy scenarios. 

Let’s be clear – none of those activities are bad. The problem is when our children become addicted to us as entertainers.

Instead try to think of yourself as a play coach. Not a basketball coach who yells incessantly from the sidelines. More like a business, life, or acting coach. An acting coach can suggest exercises and give you feedback, but in the end – you’re the one on the stage. Your acting coach is backstage, watching proudly as you perform your craft.  

(Unless, of course, the acting coach is running off to tend to another client. Sound familiar?)

Myth 2: I just need to “keep my kids busy.” 

The Truth: Busy is not play.

You know that parent who carts their children around to three after-school activities every day until dinner time, races out at 7am on Saturday mornings to all-day practice/game/travel for hockey/soccer/baseball and then complains about how busy they are?

Maybe you ARE that parent. 

It was easy to sink into this way of life BCD (before COVID). Your kid enjoys a particular activity or sport and before you know it, the only way for the child to participate is to commit to four evening baseball practices a week plus weekend games. It’s usually unintentional.

However, there’s also that small part of our psyche that would manufacture errands – let’s go to the hardware store or grab a coffee – because we’re scared to be alone with them without a plan. How will we handle that boredom?

Well, all that has come crashing down around us. Since the worldwide pandemic hit, we’re no longer able to “keep kids busy” with extracurricular sports, festivals, and bounce house gyms.

In its path, we’re left with kids who don’t know what to do themselves and parents who are more overwhelmed than ever.

This reminds us that organized activities are not play. Sometimes activities involve play, and there are many wonderful play prompts that can encourage play. But the structure of organized activities rarely provides the absolute freedom for children to experiment and create their own world. It gives them very little opportunity to simply “be in their own head” and enter the state of flow.

Myth 3 – You’re doing something wrong.

Truth: No! Stop feeling guilty! 

Ugh, there is so much parental guilt. Not to mention working mom guilt and stay-at-home guilt.

It runs deep. 

→ You may feel guilty because you only have one child, and you can’t have another. Or don’t want one. Or can’t afford one. 

→ Perhaps you have a brand new baby and you feel bad that your toddler isn’t getting the same amount of attention from you.  

→ Maybe you have a highly-sensitive child and it feels like they need YOU all the time, and nothing or no one else. But everything you do seems to disrupt their flow.

→ Perhaps you like to recharge your batteries alone – but your kid wants to talk ALL. THE. TIME.

→ Maybe you just don’t really want to play. Admit it. Building towers or playing checkers is kinda fun, but you’d rather have a 2-hour Zoom than pretend to be a dog again. 

Enough. It’s all okay. 

 If you’ve played with your kids a lot in the past, it’s because you care, and you wanted to be a good parent. But the best thing you can do for your child is drop the guilt and free them from reliance on you. You’re actually giving them a gift by stepping back from their play.

No guilt needed.

Myth 4 – It’s too late. 

The truth: Your child can still play independently, and you can help them get there. It’s NOT too late.

Your child isn’t a baby anymore, and you feel like you should have weaned them off of their dependence on you a long time ago. 

Even though you want your child to play more independently, you don’t want them to think you don’t value your time together. 

How can you possibly make a difference at this age? 

It’s not too late. You have the ability to become your child’s independent play coach. Children adapt to new circumstances. You’ve seen it over the past month or so. They’ve adapted (admittedly with some tears and bad dreams) to a new world. 

They CAN be responsible for their own independent play. You just need to be their guide; their coach.

And here’s the thing – even if they think they want to be with you all the time, once they have more independent play, they will come to crave it. The first time you hear “Mom, I played by myself!” or “Mom, I don’t need you to set anything up for me!” with a grin of pride, you’ll see just how much they love it.

Then you can get started on that scrapbook you never finished. (Kidding.)

Get your free guide, 20 Independent Play Activities for Kids, here: