Despite the recent popularity of the “trad wife” movement – a return to traditional gender roles – research tells us that most women want more equal partnerships. In fact, 71% want an equal share of parenting tasks.
While men are more involved in child care and household tasks than before, the mental load still remains unbalanced. I like to say that the mental load is “the knowing and the remembering.” Running to the store with a list is often the easy part. The work that happens before the errand requires more brain power. You have to create a weekly meal plan, consider every family member’s food preferences, take inventory of the fridge and the pantry, and make a list of every item needed.
The problem-solving, negotiating, and planning work – called cognitive labor or “the mental load” still lies chiefly with women.
You’d expect women who are the primary earner for their families to do less. But in fact, breadwinning moms are 3 times more likely than breadwinning fathers to:
- run the children’s schedules
- get kids to appointments and activities; and
- volunteer at school
Many dads, however, are seeking change and want more time at home. So, how can they take a more active role at home beyond simple chores, to cover more of the planning responsibilities? Let’s take a look at ways that partners can add to the mental load of parenthood – sometimes unknowingly – and steps to change.
Here are 4 ways that partners unknowingly add to the mental load of parenthood:
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1. Suggestions without follow-through
What this might sound like:
“These sneakers seem tight – kiddo probably needs new ones.”
“We don’t have any paper towels left. We should probably go to the store soon.”
The impact: Too often, the phrase “we should probably ___” can feel like an instruction to the partner already doing the majority of the mental load. Yet another assignment on their long to-do list.
What to do instead: But noticing is the first step! If you’ve noticed the problem, begin to solve it.
Instead of suggesting that your child needs new shoes, take the first few steps: figure out which size they are now, which size will allow a little room for growth, shop online for shoes that fit your budget and your child’s preferences, ensure compliance with school dress codes, do some comparison shopping, and THEN show them to your partner for final input before you buy. Yes, that “simple” activity had 7 steps!
2. General offers to help
What this might sound like:
“Do you need any help?”
“Just tell me what I can do.”
The impact: This signifies that you believe your partner is primarily responsible for running the household. Especially when you use the word “help,” which implies that your contributions are not required – they’re a bonus. It unknowingly creates additional mental load by requesting that your partner stop what they’re doing to figure out how you can be most useful and delegate tasks to you. But as we know, lists don’t work. And truthfully, your partner probably doesn’t want to serve as project manager all the time.
What to do instead: Stop and pause. It’s easy to ask for instructions. It takes a little bit more thought to figure out what needs to be done.
Look around and assess the situation. What are the most urgent and basic needs? If there’s a cranky baby, prepare a bottle or get the crib ready for a nap. If it’s the morning rush, take stock of basic needs. Have the kids been fed? Have they gotten dressed or brushed their teeth? Does your partner seem like they need a shower or coffee?
If guests are coming over, look around your home. Does the bathroom sink need to be cleaned? Is the trash overflowing? Starting a brand new (unrelated) project, like washing your car or changing the attic lightbulb isn’t going to remove your partner’s stress or contribute meaningfully to preparing for guests.
3. Asking where/when something is
What this might sound like:
“Where’s the baby’s stuffed bunny?”
“Where do we keep the sunscreen?”
“When’s the last day of school?”
The impact: I’m guilty of this, too! (Especially when it’s something in my partner’s typical area of responsibility.) But this often happens out of laziness. Once again, it signals to the partner that they are in charge and you can’t be bothered to think critically.
What to do instead: Stop and pause. Commit to looking in at least 3 places where the item is typically kept or might reasonably be kept.
Think about the workplace. Would you immediately ask your supervisor where last week’s report is? You’d probably do some digging first because you know the boss is busy and you don’t want to appear helpless or ignorant.
If it’s information (rather than an item), ask yourself: is it accessible to both of us? For example, you could look up a school calendar, locate financial information in your shared documents, or Google the address of the baseball field.
Pro Tips:
(a) If you’re not receiving emails from child care, preschool, or the pediatrician, go ahead and sign yourself up. If they only allow a single point of contact, call and ask them why.
(b) Create a new email address that you use for all kid-related items and have it forwarded to both of you.
(c) Create a shared calendar that hosts all family appointments. Check it every single morning!
4. Expecting your partner to do all planning
This might sound like:
“What time are we leaving for the birthday party?”
“What are we doing this weekend?”
The impact: Planning is a SERIOUS contributor to the mental load. Routines, schedules, and social plans are difficult to manage. With young children, there are lots of moving pieces. When your partner is left to mentally calculate schedules and social engagements on their own, the mental load shoots sky-high.
Related: the invisible work of creating community
What to do instead: With young children, mathematical calculations accompany almost every outing. First, start with the time you need to arrive and go backwards. Subtract the time it takes to travel, pack up the kids and account for any bathroom trips, last minute diaper changes, and snacks. Subtract their total nap time and shower/hygiene for the adults. Your start time could be 3-4 hours before departure!
Run the math yourself and then share with your partner. Example: “we probably need to get up by 6:30 and get the baby down for a quick nap at 9 and leave here by 10:30 to make it to the birthday party by 11. What do you think?” This approach uses much more collaboration and ownership, instead of unknowingly adding to your partner’s mental load.
Pro Tip:
To balance the mental load even more, try the Fair Play method, which I explain here.
- Grab the book and deck of cards.
- With this system, each partner will take main responsibility for duties like packing the bags for short trips, planning date night, hiring babysitters, purchasing kids clothes, and more.
- Engage a facilitator to help you implement it in your own household. As a certified Fair Play facilitator, I help couples move from a scattered, inefficient household to a calmer, productive home life, without the nagging and to-do lists – – so that you can feel like a true partnership.
Calling all default household managers! Join the UNLOAD the Mental Load 4-day challenge starting March 11, 2024 to decrease your mental load without the family falling apart!
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