When we tell young boys to “be a man” or “man up,” what, exactly, do we tell them? Are the traits that define manhood really so important? I don’t think so. In fact, rising evidence in the social sciences suggests that the idea of “masculinity” is often harmful and can lead to physical and sexual violence along with serious mental health issues.

Masculinity, like so much else relating to human identity, is a constructed concept. According to the Open Journal of Social Science Research, “…the understanding of masculinity has demonstrated that masculinity is not ‘natural.’ Instead, it is seen as a gender identity that is socially and culturally constructed, historical and political.” Toxic masculinity, then, is not a born trait; it’s something men internalize through societal interactions and perceptions. One of the most influential spaces to foster these beliefs is at home.

Boys tie their identities closely to masculinity throughout their lives, and if all they see are toxic norms and behaviors from their parents (especially from their fathers and male role models), they’ll be bound to repeat them.

In the long run, this is incredibly harmful to child and teen brain development, which is why it’s vital for parents—particularly dads—to model healthy masculinity at home. Here are five simple but effective ways male mentors can help boys form a positive vision of what it means to “be a man.”

5 WAYS TO MODEL HEALTHY MASCULINITY

1. Don’t be Afraid to Be Wrong

One of the most harmful pillars of toxic masculinity is that a man is always right. A “real” man always makes calculated and informed decisions that keep them in control of any situation and lead to a positive outcome. As all adults know, this is impossible. Everybody makes mistakes and has to deal with the consequences.

When male role models try to cover up their blunders with excuses or fail to admit they were wrong, they reinforce the idea that it’s not okay for men to make mistakes. This puts intense pressure on developing boys and teaches unrealistic expectations about life. It makes every error seem more drastic than it really is and will cause developing boys to be scared to make mistakes, lie to cover them up, and lash out in order to deter people from recognizing their slip-ups.

Instead, men in the home should be ready to apologize and admit when they’ve made mistakes. By modeling humility and a willingness to address human error, boys are taught it’s okay to mess up sometimes and will be less worried about negative outcomes. It debunks the myth that men are always right. Covering up mistakes and believing it isn’t okay to make them in the first place leads to major stress, and it’s often from our mistakes that we learn the most. Rather than deprive boys of this lesson via toxic masculinity, reinforce the importance of openness and apologizing.

2. Show Your Emotions

Toxic masculinity prohibits men from showing any vulnerable emotions. A “real man,” so we’re led to believe, is only capable of emotions and mannerisms that assert dominance and help them remain in control. Anger and stoicism, for example. There’s no place for feelings like fear, pain, heartbreak, love, or confusion. These are supposedly vulnerable emotions that decrease a man’s authority, and therefore their very manhood.

Fathers and male mentors should make sure their boys know it’s okay to experience the full range of human emotions. It’s ridiculous to think that men and boys don’t feel things like fear and loss; they are human, after all. Suppressing these emotions can lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression, and if boys feel they’ll be reprimanded for crying, expressing fear, or being nervous, they’ll be hurt down the road.

They need to see the men in their lives experience and deal with emotions in a healthy way. They also need to hear that it’s okay to feel scared, lonely, or hurt. It’s important to foster traits like courage and persistence, but they can still be taught with a full understanding of the emotional spectrum. What is courage, after all, without fear?

3. Support and Display Diverse Interests

Another tenet of toxic masculinity is that certain hobbies are “manly,” such as sports, building model cars, or working out. These can all be great interests, but it’s crucial for boys to know they have more options. Interests like arts, dance, cooking, music, and gardening, are just acceptable for boys as they are for girls. If boys aren’t supported in their interests by their male role models, all they’re being taught is that there’s something “wrong” with them and that they aren’t manly enough.

To stop this, don’t be afraid to share your more obscure, traditionally less “manly” interests, according to gender stereotypes. Boys will learn that it’s okay to dabble in a diverse range of hobbies. Likewise, if your boy starts to show interest in a hobby outside of traditional male stereotypes, be supportive. Even if you don’t know much about it, show your support by asking questions and taking an interest in their new hobby.

4. Ask for Help

Toxic masculinity maintains that “real men” have to go through life alone and as completely self-reliant beings. This is a harmful teaching and deprives boys of important relationships and social skills. According to Wizdom Powell, a professor at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, this can lead men to have “poorer mental health outcomes, particularly more depressive [symptoms] because doing so cuts them off…from the social networks and social supports that might help them get through a difficult time.”

To model healthy masculinity at home, ask for help with projects from other family members. And don’t be nervous to admit you don’t know the answer to something or are unable to complete a task. Nobody is capable of doing everything. It’s good for boys to understand they have both strengths and weaknesses, and that those aren’t tied to their identity as a man.

5. Be Confident in Your Version of Masculinity

Finally, be confident in your identity as a man, no matter what your interests. Show your boy it’s just as manly to play the piano as it is to play football to help them develop a healthy understanding of masculinity. Don’t base your identity as a man on trivial things. Instead, prove to boys that being a man is about embracing unique strengths and interests, not preconceived notions of aggression and control.

Author: Eric M. Earle is the founder of Tutor Portland and a contributing writer for Talking to Teens.

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For more on how to raise boys who respect women and girls, access this video in the free Feminist Parenting Resource Library: