6 Myths About Feminist Parenting

When people hear the term “feminist parenting,” either their eyes widen with interest or the sketpicism oozes out. 

The skeptics harbor several feminist parenting myths; primarily, that it aims to produce an army of man-hating bossy girls pretending to be victims and ready to judge everyone’s wokeness. An unflattering description; but an inaccurate one, too.

If you skim hashtags like #idontneedfeminism and #womenagainstfeminism (which isn’t very fun), you’ll hear these misconceptions repeated over and over: 

• Feminists enjoy playing the victim
• Women are too sensitive
• Feminists blame men for everything wrong in their lives 
• They don’t pay their own bills
• Feminists shame stay-at-home mothers
• They seek special privileges
• We’ve already reached equality so it’s unnecessary

Myths About Feminist Parenting Persist

Feminist parenting myths are pretty similar. Despite hiring discrimination, sexual assault, the pay gap (most persistent for women of color), and frequent pleas against toxic masculinity, it’s still more comfortable to raise our “girls as girls” and “boys as boys.” Especially in a heavily color-coded world where pink, purple, navy, and black are almost always the only four color options for children. When our children conform to gender stereotypes, it makes us feel as though we’ve done something right. 

Some see feminism as passe and devote said hashtags to trashing the concept. Yet others – ardent feminists – attend marches and protests for social justice but tell their sons not to cry at home or claim their husbands couldn’t possibly handle bedtime or laundry duty. Their gender equity beliefs don’t always align with what’s happening at home.

These persisting inequalities signal that we DO still need feminism. Moveover, we need to infuse it into our parenting philosophy in order to raise socially conscious kids who will view gender roles differently than our parents did. But before we jump into what feminist parenting IS, let’s talk about what it’s NOT. 

6 Feminist Parenting Myths:

This list is not exclusive, but these are the most frequently offered assertions about feminist parenting. Let’s set the record straight!

1. It’s anti-man. 

Let’s get this one right out of the way. Yes, I was called a “Femi-nazi” in college, which, first of all, is horribly offensive to Jewish people. And hopefully anyone with a conscience. But still, this name (perpetuated by the likes of Rush Limbaugh) was the tool of choice for white men to deflect responsibility about problems like rape on campus. Describing women’s demands as unreasonable and “militant” allowed them to burrow in their cozy nest of white patriarchy and its attendant benefits.

Thankfully, since that time, more men have spoken up about the detrimental impacts of the suffocating masculinity we expect from boys and men. Projects like The Mask You Live In, Man Enough and 56 Black Men question harmful stereotypes and plead with society to do better.

A few years ago, I’d have said unequivocally that women should lead feminism and all gender equity efforts. And while, yes, women (which includes transgender women) and femmes experience a unique brand of sexism, we need feminist men in this movement, too. We need men to reject toxic masculinity loudly, in favor of more nuanced, complex ways of being a man.  (How to model healthy masculinity for kids.)

Even if some men fear consequences that accompany loss of privilege or status, many see a hopeful glimmer of the possibilities that feminism can bring – more time to spend with their children, the ability to care for aging relatives, meaningful relationships, the opportunity to express vulnerability, and the space to share their feelings safely. 

So we DO need men, especially those who know when to speak up and when to follow the lead.

Myth #2: It’s anti-gender.

The term “gender neutral parenting” has caused a few uproars. How dare you try to strip away my child’s indentity! some yell, forgetting that their child’s supposed identity (pink for girls, blue for boys) is manufactured. was Society created this rules over recent years, determined by genitals alone.

Yes, gender is a social construct. People’s genitals don’t actually dictate what hobbies they enjoy, their personality traits, or interests, no matter how easy it is to assume that all boys love to get dirty and all girls love to dance. 

However, many trans-exclusionary or “gender critical” feminists will continue with this logic to assert that gender means nothing and it all comes down to anatomy we’re born with; that our femaleness or maleness is most important; the root of all inequity.  

I reject this proposition, too. Gender is a complicated spectrum that is, at once, both shaped by society and extremely individualized and personal. Perhaps best described by Laurie Penny, a self-described gender-queer person:

It is perfectly possible to believe that gender is a spectrum, an experience of identity that cannot be crammed into the categories culture has handed to us, and to believe at the same time that women are oppressed as a class. In fact, it is more than possible — it is essential. Trans women have always been part of feminism. Trans people have always been part of the LGBT movement, too, ever since trans women of color threw the first rocks at the Stonewall riot.

– Laurie Penny

It is not only futile but harmful to attempt to dictate or reject another person’s gender identity. Feminist parenting, rooted in addressing intersecting oppressions, helps children to recognize and understand gender stereotypes while also supporting their expressed identity. 

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Myth #3 It’s all about girl power.

Sure, the Gwen Stefani studded-bra-strap-red lipsticked-kickass-attitude was fun in the ‘90’s (and I loved singing I’m Just a Girl proudly and loudly) but it doesn’t encapsulate the complex, layered goals of feminist parenting today. 

Programs designed to boost girls’ self-confidence and self-compassion and increase representation in fields like STEM are important and worthy. After all, when discrimination is perpetuated for years and years, we need to self-correct with targeted programs to support marginalized populations who have historically lacked meaningful access to those fields. 

But here’s the problem with focusing solely on girls. We prop them up with science camps, engineering workshops, and empowerment circles, then send them into the world where… what? What happens next? 

Is the world willing to accept them? To embrace a young girl who speaks her mind as something more than an angry Black woman? To view a female computer science graduate as anything less than a damper on the “boys will be boys” fun in the coding department?

Until we bend everyone’s ideas about gender stereotypes and what people are capable of, regardless of their anatomy, true progress will languish. 

Plus, right now boys suffer under the stifling mask of faux masculinity – one that upholds power, dominance, money, control, and stoicism as its guiding principles. Instead, feminist parenting suggests an alternative; a world where boys can grow up to notice their feelings, embrace their true interests, create meaningful relationships, and design a fulfilling life that recognizes their true humanity. 

Myth #4 It’s only about gender equity.

Like many movements, feminism is a messy one, with lots of imperfections and mistakes. From the days of suffragettes who intentionally excluded Black women, to second wave feminism that often excluded trans women, and even modern day feminism (which Rachel Cargle says can operate as white supremacy in heels) that has continued to fail to center women of color, disabled, queer, and fat individuals. 

Professor Kimberle Crenshaw first coined the term “intersectionality” and highlighted the need to recognize, embrace, and CENTER the intersecting oppressions that people face because treating someone as only one facet of their identity will never work. 

Feminism isn’t the first movement to struggle with its identity. And it isn’t finished with its evolution. Perhaps best said by Mikki Kendall in Hood Feminism: 

“The reality is that the internal conflicts are how feminism grows and becomes more effective. One of the biggest issues with mainstream feminist writing has been the way the idea of what constitutes a feminist issue is framed. We rarely talk about basic needs as a feminist issue. Food insecurity and access to quality education, safe neighborhoods, a living wage, and medical care are all feminist issues.” 

We have a critical opportunity, right now, to make feminism a more inclusive movement that goes beyond gender equity. It’s not about simply giving more power to the privileged few (e.g. more white female CEOs) but expanding justice and true belonging for everyone. Because, after all, conversations about power are mostly irrelevant when everyone has their needs met. 

Myth #5 Feminist parenting devalues motherhood

Uh, no. 

Can we flick away the so-called “Mommy Wars” like a mosquito on your ankle and simply be done with it? 

But wait, it’s leaving a pesky itch behind? Okay, let’s itch it real quick.

It seems that we’ve arrived at a place in time where most people can say… being a stay-at-home parent is really freakin hard, and being a working parent is really freakin hard, and oh wait, just being a plain old parent is really freakin hard, so let’s just acknowledge each other’s shared plight and support each other as best we can.

At least, this is what the feminist parents in my personal world say. So my hunch is that society continues to fabricate “wars” to separate women and create divisions by appealing to our inner insecurities that we don’t live up to motherhood expectations – expectations that insist upon self-sacrificing mother or bad mother as the only two options. 

Let’s also remember that the so-called “Mommy Wars” typically exclude single parents, especially Black unmarried mothers, or multigenerational families common to families of color and immigrants. They can also alienate non-binary and gender queer parents.

Feminist parenting does not shame or disparage any of these experiences. Quite the opposite – feminism acknowledges how society largely devalues caregiving, even when it pays lip service to “family values.” Whether women are employed outside the home or not, we know that women, on average, contribute significantly more child care, household labor, and elder care – all of which is unpaid. Modern day feminism seeks policies that support caregiving for ALL parents (not just women), like paid family and medical leave, a livable wage, access to health care, and affordable housing and child care. 

Myth #6: It will “confuse” children

So let’s get this straight. Telling children they can be themselves will confuse them?

One of the main goals of feminist parenting is to dismantle outdated, restrictive gender stereotypes so that children can embrace who they really are, and be accepted fully. 

That’s not confusing for children. It’s confusing for adults who were raised to believe that “boys should be boys” means dominance, athleticism, control, and stoicism, while “girls being girls” means softness, acquiescence, beauty, and nurturing. Changing these outdated rules is confusing for adults who are confronted with new and different ideas to consider. 

Let’s talk about what is the LEAST confusing for children: a world where their basic needs are met, where they enjoy the freedom to explore hobbies and interests regardless of their anatomy, and feel 100% embraced and supported by the world around them. 

Looking toward the future

While it may be easier to cling to feminist parenting myths than to consider new ideas, what’s most important is the future we envision for our children. When we analyze our own bias critically, take the time to discuss injustices with our children, and work to change public opinion about gender stereotypes, our children will flourish and thrive. 

Let’s work together now to set up the next generation to achieve justice and equity. 

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