Part 1 in a two-part series for active and caring grandparents
Grandparents, you have an important role in your grandchildren’s lives, and a unique opportunity to help your grandkids challenge gender norms and gendered expectations.
We live in a lucky time – people live longer, and our little kids often benefit from grandparents and even GREAT-grandparents in their lives. According to AARP, the 70 million grandparents in the U.S. are more active and engaged than ever – even those who are long-distance can communicate more easily through phone and video chats. In addition, an estimated 3 million older adults are actually raising their grandchildren.
That means you are incredibly important part of the upbringing of your grandchildren – a tremendous gift for you AND them.
Call it what you will – gender-neutral parenting, gender-inclusive parenting, feminist parenting, gender creative parenting, or conscious parenting – YOU play a key role in helping this generation of parents use strategies to promote a world where children feel free to be themselves. A world where they aren’t boxed in by narrow pink and blue options.
WHY SHOULD I CHANGE MY TACTICS?
It would be easy to say that you raised their parents successfully and that nothing has changed. The same parenting strategies should work, right?
Well, that’s a good theory on the surface. But, dig deeper and remember that we still haven’t reached gender equity.
Yes, there are many more laws today to reach that goal, such as the prevention of sexual harassment, and prohibitions against pay disparities and gender discrimination in schools. But we haven’t fully solved the problem.
For adults, women face a national wage gap of about 20 cents, and represent only 7% of CEOs in the U.S. Men represent 2/3 of suicides worldwide, and are about 13 times more likely to be incarcerated.
Likewise, the problems are real for children. Girls are significantly underrepresented in children’s books, and boys face threats of bullying if they engage in feminine-related behaviors. Meanwhile, LGBTQ youth represent as much as 40% of the homeless youth population.
You can help the next generation reach true gender equity
Thankfully, you can help. As an important influence in your grandchildren’s lives, you can help move our culture to a place of acceptance, where kids feel free to embrace their individuality, and be confident on the inside and out.
Let’s jump in with 7 ways grandparents can help kids overcome gender norms.
1. Be Open to New Ideas
The fact that you’re still reading means you are open to learn new styles and ideas. Bravo! This article is not a critique of your grandparenting, but a set of tools that you can use to enhance your grandchildren’s lives even further.
If your children and their partners do things a little differently from you, it’s not a judgment or an insult to your parenting. Please remember that. Things change – now newborns need to go to sleep on their backs, ride in a car seat until they’re 60 pounds, and corporal punishment in schools is outlawed in the majority of states. Similarly, there are new philosophies about raising children – none of which are right are wrong – that may guide your children’s parenting based on their values.
2. Welcome a wide range of interests and hobbies
When an active toddler tumbles on furniture and jumps nonstop, our reactions may differ depending on the sex of the child.
“You’d better sign her up for gymnastics or dancing!” we say to a girl.
“Looks like he’s going to be a soccer/football player someday!” we say about a boy.
But if a boy spins in circles, we’re less likely to imagine a ballet career.
- Try to catch yourself and question why you think that child will like that particular activity. Does it have anything to do with the sex of the child?
- Rather than speculate about future hobbies and jobs, try to observe the activity in THAT moment. Be a sportscaster: “Wow, you jumped all the way from that rock to the grass!” or “You just did two somersaults – how did it feel?” In this way, you help the child develop more language and focus on the present.
3. Remember play is play.
My child’s grandparents are wonderfully supportive, but my own mother recently questioned her willingness to indulge my daughter’s interest in her jewelry collection. Would she be as willing to give a little grandson her beads to play with and wear?
Boys’ experiments with traditionally feminine toys and dress-up clothes is often most complicated for grandfathers, who have certain ideas of what a man needs to be, and fear potential bullying. But the question to ask yourself is: if we teach boys that anything feminine is bad, how can they grow up to fully respect girls and women?
Remember: play is play, and play is healthy. Dressing up in an Elsa costume or choosing pink sneakers or trainers doesn’t mean your grandson will necessarily be gay or wants to be a girl. It means that he feels supported and safe enough to try on a variety of personas and use his imagination. Maybe he wants to be the hero, and in this case, the hero is Elsa!
4. Pause before buying gifts.
Shopping for kids may seem complicated – they already have a ton of toys and clothes – what are you supposed to buy them? Before you buy something, ask yourself: would I buy this for a child of another sex? For example, would you buy that My Little Pony for your grandson? And would you buy a catcher’s mitt for your granddaughter? Let that simmer a little.
Here are a few gift ideas that any child would love:
5 Feminist Books for Children: the New Classics
Toys and Activities to Support Children’s Spatial Skills
Subscription to Social Justice Boxes: Little Justice Leaders
And remember, it’s healthy for boys to have female role models, too, in books, toys, and movies. We will reach gender equity only when everyone values women’s experiences, too.
5. Let your grandchild feel the big feelings.
You might get a little uncomfortable when your grandchild cries, gets mad, or gets frustrated for a seemingly unwarranted reason. They’re just being dramatic, or looking for attention, you think.
Before you rush to shush, distract, ignore, bribe, or shame them for those feelings, understand the growing recognition of the importance of emotional regulation. In order for our little kids to grow into mature adults, they need the capacity to deal with intense emotions without resorting to quick coverups, like substances, food, or unhealthy habits.
Think for a moment: what do YOU do when you’re really mad, sad, or frustrated? Do you have healthy ways to cope with those emotions? If so, share those with your grandchild. If not, work to develop some mechanisms that you can do together.
Check out this post about healthy ways you can help children fuel anger, written about girls, but helpful for all.
Try to avoid phrases like “don’t cry,” “it’s not that big a deal,” or “you’re fine.” Acknowledge the feeling and see how they work through it. Offer a hug if it seems they want one.
After all, victories arises after a difficult emotion passes – knowing that they’ll get through it, and that they can handle big stuff!
6. Learn the difference between gender and sex.
You may have heard terms like transgender, pansexual, and non-binary, and you’re confused. Do I really have to learn these terms?
The answer is yes. Your grandchild is living in an era where a wide range of gender identities are recognized and valued. If they bring home a transgender friend, you’ll be ready.
Read this piece about the difference: Gender Beyond Male and Female: FAQs about LGBTQ Terms
As a bonus, get 6 great resources about transgender kids here. We recommend the show, “I am Jazz,” which includes an excellent interview in Episode 11 about the difficulties her grandparents faced during this journey.
7. Find out what’s important to them
Imparting your knowledge and experiences are a wonderful tradition and a blessing of grandparents. But be sure you dedicate an equal amount of time to find out what is interesting to them. Do they love whales? Space? Ariana Grande? Even if you don’t love those things, find out more about it.
Understand that, just as you faced issues unique to your generation that they can’t possibly understand, so, too, will the newest generation confront unique issues such as the environment and technology’s impact on everything from work to dating.
Does a ban on plastic bags seem ridiculous? Does 16 weeks of parental leave for dads seem unnecessary? Be open to new ideas. And listen. Find out how these issues will impact their lives.
The question “what do you want to be when you grow up” is almost silly, given children’s limited exposure to careers. Imagine the interesting answers when you ask instead, “what do you want to change about the world when you grow up?”
You will learn fascinating things!
Thanks for taking this journey, grandparents!
First, please ask questions below: what is the most challenging tip in this article for you?
Next, read Part 2 here: “How Grandparents Can Support Kids’ Positive Body Image.”
For the quick 2-page guide summarizing all 13 tips for grandparents, join the free Feminist Parenting Resource Library to get access:
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