One Way to Navigate Awkward Conversations about Gender Stereotypes

During the summer, I attended a cookout where I knew almost no one there. I found myself chatting with a group of nice people, all mothers, about chit-chatty stuff.

The conversation quickly rolled into child-rearing topics and one mom began to describe her and her sister-in-law’s two households – one with all boys and one with all girls.

Well, you know, we have all boys so it’s crazy. It’s so different.

Here’s the thing. I don’t doubt her experience. And I’m not about to get into a passive aggressive my-life-is-harder-than-yours debate. I knew almost nothing about her life.

But I disagree with the concept that the sexes of children make our parenting situations wildly different.

Related: Girl Mom vs. Boy Mom: Can We Ditch the Competition, Please?

Have you ever found yourself in an awkward conversation about gender stereotypes? It can be tricky with people you don’t know well.

Navigating awkward conversations

I held my tongue for a moment because I wanted to hear if there was more to her experience. But the conclusion was clear – boys are more active, rambunctious, and energetic than girls, and they destroy houses much more. And girls… apparently don’t.

Whether or not this is true, most of you come here because you understand that children are shaped by more than their genitalia, but by friends, parenting, school, marketing, and societal expectations. We simply can’t separate one from the rest.

More: 6 ways to combat gender stereotypes in schools

But that’s not such great cookout chit-chat, is it? Especially when you’re just getting to know people.

It also bothers me to stay silent, though. My parenting approach might vary from others’, and sometimes that makes me self-conscious, but I shouldn’t have to hide it.

And you might be worried that it will escalate into a bigger, political conversation, but you are only in the mood to keep things friendly and respectful.

So what do you do in those awkward situations??

A single story can be harmful

Before we talk about solutions, let’s give some context to the problem with broad generalizations.

In Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED talk called “The Danger of a Single Story,” she recounts the beliefs she encountered when attending school in the United States. Even students or professors had never been to Nigeria often held deeply entrenched stereotypes about what it was like to live there. People speak English? Not everyone is poor?

(Catch the full talk here, or read the text of her talk here. It’s so worth it.)

The stereotypes she encountered were based on a single narrative of what American children see or learn about Africa in movies, literature, and school.

When we only have that one narrative, it’s impossible to understand the full complexities of a group of people.

That’s why it’s so important to present to our children not only representation, but a vast array of experiences. We say #representationmatters, and it DOES, but if we mostly portray black men as criminals on television, their sheer numbers, without diversity of experience, are harmful – not helpful.

The power of a different story

There are hundreds of ways we can, and should, combat the danger of a single story.

But here’s just one – the power of a different story.

No disrespect to Adichie’s lesson – I adore her and her TED talk has been viewed more than 16 million times. (Whoa!) But I actually believe that a single story, when it is specific and contrary to the popular narrative, can open our minds and push us past conventional thought.

In our mini e-book, “7 Easy Ways to Parent without Stereotypes,” our 3rd strategy is to crush generalizations with specifics.

In that guide, strategy #3 addresses generalizations that children form, but it works with adults’ opinions, too.

Rather than attempt to rebut Cookout Mom’s hypothesis about boys and girls with my own theories about the socialization of boys to be tough and girls to be pretty, and the hyper-gendering of toys and clothes, I used the power of a different story.

“Hmm…” I said, making a squinty, thoughtful face. “I don’t know. I have a daughter and lately she jumps on furniture, runs up and down the hallway, and wipes her boogies on me with delight. And she looooves potty talk.”

It’s funny. It’s illustrative. And it tells a single – but different – story.

Don’t get me wrong. If the comment had been something blatantly sexist (“girls can’t do math”) or racist (“white kids are better at math”) or something equally harmful, we need to address the inaccuracy and unacceptability of those comments head-on. If that happens to you, feel free to bust out the research!

But when it comes to generalizations, sometimes that one story, that one different story, is exactly the fuel we need to poke a small hole in socialized expectations.

When you run into awkward conversations about gender stereotypes, I hope you poke away, friends!

If you liked strategy #3 to Crush Generalizations with Specifics, grab the other 6 strategies here: