Q: If the mental load is falling on ME, why should I be the one to fix the imbalance of domestic labor at home??
A: This is a very common question that I hear after people read books like Fair Play by Eve Rodsky or All the Rage by Darcy Lockman, which both outline the problem of domestic inequity.
It’s easy to assume that, in 2024, gender roles are a thing of the past when it comes to parenting and running a home. But inequity at home between men and women still exists.
Inequity at home between men and women
Women employed outside the home shoulder about 65% of child care responsibilities, and men about 35%. After having kids, women add 22 hours of child care while men only add 14. While hetero couples both do about 15 hours of housework each before having children, men compensate for these added hours of child care by subtracting 5 hours of housework, while women’s chores stay the same.
It impacts leisure time, too. On average, men have about 5 more hours of leisure time per week than women. This leisure time goes down for fathers after having kids, but less so than mothers’ leisure time. (All the Rage.)
MEN’S CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE HOME
Part of the problem is men’s perception of whether a problem exists. Men are doing more housework and child care than they were doing 60 years ago. But has it evened out?
Younger men, ages 25-40 generally have more progressive views about gender roles at home. But men sometimes struggle to embody those egalitarian values once they start families.
Men also tend to perceive their contributions as more equal than reality. In a 2017 survey by the Economist, 46% of fathers believe responsibilities at home are shared equally versus only 32% of mothers.
THE MENTAL LOAD IS HURTING WOMEN
“So you just want more help with the chores?” my former client’s therapist once asked.
No. The problem goes well beyond vacuuming and laundry. Lockman reports that “64% of mothers report they did more to manage their children’s needs than their husbands,” showing a discrepancy in our perceptions of attending to our children’s vast emotional needs. This list of developmental and emotional needs is long: teaching values, responding to injuries, religious education, civic engagement, discipline, emotional regulation, learning struggles, and much more.
There’s also a growing recognition about the impacts of the mental load, or cognitive load. According to new research by the University of Southern California and the Fair Play Institute, on average, mothers report being responsible for 72% of all cognitive labor compared to their partners. This unpaid labor has detrimental effects on maternal health and mental well-being, so much so that the United States Surgeon General recently issued a report about parenting as a public health issue.
WHAT WILL BALANCE THE COGNITIVE LOAD?
It’s not enough for families and policymakers to recognize the problem. Anecdotal data shows that after a person (who feels a larger weight of home responsibilities) reads Fair Play and doesn’t take steps to fix it is actually more unhappy afterwards. While talking about a problem and joking about a problem can bring solidarity and a good laugh (or an eyeroll), it doesn’t bring relief and support that default household managers desperately seek.
Understandably annoyed about the widespread scope of the problem and the specific impact on women (exhaustion, anxiety, loss of self, mental fog, etc.), readers ask me, as a certified Fair Play Facilitator, why should I have to fix the problem? I’m the one carrying the mental load! I’m already doing most of the work. This feels like I’m being told to single-handedly fix a problem from which I’m suffering!
This is a legitimate frustration. Unfortunately, we haven’t yet witnessed a massive shift of men organizing themselves and volunteering to fix the problem after they view the Fair Play documentary with their partners or watch TikToks of men admitting their own past failures. Even really good ones, like my fellow facilitator, Zach’s. So far, it’s been a small portion of the population.
The answer isn’t simple. But it’s two-fold:
(1) Yes, just like we need white people engaging in tangible and regular anti-racist education and practices, we need men to care deeply about the patriarchy and its impacts, and commit themselves to take active steps to fix gender inequity while centering the voices and leadership of women, gender non-confirming, and non-binary people. We need collective, systemic action. No easy task!
(2) At the same time, you also need an immediate, individualized solution that will relieve your mental load and make you feel appreciated, seen, and valued. To feel like a real person in your own right!
Policy AND practice. We need both.
But why should it be you?
Well, yes, it feels like just another thing on your to-do list to solve the imbalance in your household. But the truth is, you’re already spending a ton of time solving your household’s other day-to-day problems. You might have a well-intentioned partner who asks, “how can I help?” “What do you need me to do?”
These questions, of course, create more work for you. They add to the mental load. To answer this “help me help you” request, it requires more than people realize.
THE MENTAL LOAD OF DELEGATING
First, you scan the landscape of problems and needs and rank them by importance in your brain. What’s most pressing? Next, you do mental gymnastics to figure out which are more efficiently done by you vs. how much guidance/training the other tasks will require to make delegation actually worth it. What is this “helper” actually equipped to do?
Then, the follow-up. How will you actually make sure the task gets done? What happens when the dishwasher needs to be run twice because your partner didn’t take time to fit everything in precisely? Or when the red t-shirt isn’t clean for your kid’s Field Day? Will you spend time explaining “the right” way to do it, or simply stew in your own annoyance that your partner didn’t think it through as thoughtfully as YOU would have?
Related: the problem with delegating
Suddenly you’re weighing two unattractive options. Choice #1: the pure prospect of having to “nag” or live with incomplete results. Choice #2 dips the other side of the scale: the time it will take you to get it done on your own and be sure it’s done well.
You probably opt for choice #2 most of the time because (a) who wants to be a nag? (b) we’ve internalized society’s devaluing of women’s time; and (c) at least it’ll get done and done well.
THE LONG-TERM VALUE OF BALANCING THE MENTAL LOAD
You can keep operating this way – but, frankly, it isn’t “saving” you any time. Or you can begin to recognize the value of an up-front investment.
It’s a lot like budgeting. If you’re trying to save $100/month to pay off your student loans, it’s tempting to throw your hands up and just order the taco take-out dinner or buy that new airy summer dress. But when you start getting serious about knocking down the principal of the student loan balance, you get to pat yourself on the back a few years down the road for your younger self’s dedication.
So… think about yourself a year from now. Will Future You be happier after putting in the up-front work to make meaningful change? What will the results be? Will you have more time for rest, friendships, and even a hobby?
The truth is, if your partner is asking for a to-do list, your family probably already sees you as the default leader. So, what will you do with that leadership? Choose for your needs to be diminished daily, sacrificing your sleep and stability? Or will you chart out a new way of being? One in which you feel connected and in true partnership, acting as a team.
Your leadership – not to run the house, but to change the system – is what your family and your mental well-being need in the long-run.
If this article struck a chord with you but it feels too daunting to tackle on your own, join us for the 4-day UNLOAD the Mental Load, starting November 11. Enroll here:
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