Today I’m thrilled to introduce a guest post from my dear friend Melissa from Phase2Parenting. She is a lover of U2, teen dramas, and all things feminist parenting. Melissa is the kind of friend you grab coffee with and realize that three hours have passed! Enjoy her insightful take on gender stereotypes related to her own family. 
When my daughter came into the world, my husband and I were intentional about bringing her up without the “pink princess” label. My husband is a huge Star Wars and comic book fan, so I already assumed she’d be wearing Jedi t-shirts and playing with action-figures. We painted her room yellow, and made sure to buy a variety of colors of clothing; not just limiting her to colors associated as “girlish.”
The onslaught of pink
Then came the gifts: the pink, purple and white Lego, pink school bus and ruffled skirts. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good ruffle, but I remember wondering why the gift-givers didn’t just pick the traditional-color Lego or standard yellow school bus. (Where does someone see a pink bus other than Bermuda?)
Related: Not all girls like pink!
All in all, I think we did a pretty good job of giving her lots of options. Her Ninja Turtles were mixed right in with her Disney princesses, and her pink genie costume one Halloween was followed by a Pikachu the next year.
I had pretty much checked the “parents who don’t have gender stereotypes” box off in my hypothetical list of parenting goals.
Then I had my son.
As with most second children, the preparation was not as on-point. (Poor kid didn’t have his room set up until his third month of life.) So, he had hand-me-downs and fewer original toys to his name. With my kids being four years apart, my daughter had accumulated a lot of toys by then. So he has grown up surrounded by dolls, a kitchen set and dress-up clothes, adding a few extra buses, trains and action figures to the mix along the way.
More: 5 reasons every kid needs a play kitchen
But here’s the thing. These toys carry equal to weight to him. He is just as happy pretending to grocery shop or clean, playing dress-up, or rocking his baby to sleep, as he his playing with toy cars, having light-saber battles, or building with blocks. In addition to a never-ending loop of PJ Masks and Paw Patrol (parents of toddlers – you feel me here!), he’s also a huge fan of TV shows like My Little Pony and Minnie’s Boutique and will sometimes request those first. He’s currently debating which PJ Masks character to go as for Halloween this year, Gecko (a boy) or Owlette (a girl). They are both equally awesome to him. This was when I had my “aha moment.”
The differences in how we set up girls’ and boys’ surroundings
I wondered what my son’s upbringing would have been like if he had been born first.
As open-minded as I am, I can honestly say I don’t think I would have thought to buy him dolls, a carriage or even a pink and gray pack-n-play to sleep-in. It’s not that I would have refused to buy him these things if he had asked for them (once he started talking), I just don’t think it would have entered my mind to introduce these items to him.
I realized how proactive I was about incorporating more traditionally labeled “boy” toys into my daughter’s options, but would I have done the same if roles were reversed? In theory, yes. But in practice, I’m not sure.
This was startling to me.
I realized how deep and unconscious these feelings are and how society has unspoken rules about what is more acceptable: a girl who is more of a “tomboy” or a boy who is a more of a….what? Is there even a name for it? While I’m not a fan of the label “tomboy” for obvious reasons, the fact that there isn’t a comparable word for the opposite behavior without it being derogatory or questioning the boy’s sexuality is a problem.
Related: Boys and femininity: what’s the big deal?
My son is about to start preschool. And while I acknowledge that I can’t keep him in this bubble forever, I am proud to say that he currently lives in a world mostly free of gender stereotypes. I am confident that the phrase “that’s for girls” hasn’t yet entered his mind. Lots of books (hand-me-downs from his sister) have strong female-leads, and he loves a good sparkly nail polish. While I do still admittedly get a little nervous about kids (or adults) who may judge this while we are out, it’s a badge-of-honor that my son has been raised this way. (And seriously, without the label of “girly,” I guarantee lots of boys would love to paint their nails. It’s punk-rock for a reason.)
Children deserve equal play
In this current culture where signs of toxic masculinity are all over the news, we need to eliminate messages to kids that certain toys, colors or types of play are not for them. By separating what is “appropriate” for girls and boys, we are labeling our kids without their permission, whether we mean to or not.
I want a world where boys and girls get to experience play in the same way.
That seemingly simple change could have such a great impact on a child’s self-worth – which classes and activities they choose as kids. Down the road, it could potentially impact their chosen career paths or how they treat their romantic partners.
I know that my son will be exposed to lots of different opinions as his world becomes bigger. But I hope the foundation we’ve given him in his first three years will hold firm.
He thinks his sister is the coolest person to walk the earth, and he sees dad doing a lot of the daytime caretaking and housework, while mom works a more traditional day job. I, of course, recognize that you can’t control the order or gender of your children, or even if you have more than one, but the lessons I learned about parenting have been invaluable. I feel so grateful that I had him second for a lot of reasons, but one of them is for what I learned about myself.
Melissa Peikin is co-founder and Editorial Director of Phase2Parenting, your one-stop destination for resources to raise tweens and tweens from age 8 to 18. As a “constant googler,” she saw the need for a central hub of resources and articles she could reference as her kids grow into their teens. A higher education professional, Melissa is a mom of two young children living in the Boston area.
Be sure to check out Phase 2 Parenting’s fantastic content, such as:
10 Ways to Free Your Son from Gender Stereotypes
6 Important Habits for Empowering Your Daughter
Boys and Sports: Not Always a Match
I started following Phase2 as soon as Catherine began retweeting their posts. My oldest is 5 1/2 and I’m so grateful to have this resource PRIOR to her entering the tween years.
I’ve often wondered about the question you bring up re: the opposite of “tomboy”. Thankfully, I hear that term less and less but you are absolutely right that any male equivalent would be seen very differently. Great thoughts to ponder.
Thanks for the comment Kat. And glad you find Phase2Parenting as useful as I do! Yes, it seems telling that there’s no male equivalent for tomboy that isn’t derogatory. Clearly we have work to do with boys to change the tide on thinking of femininity as a bad thing.
This is fabulous! The lack of a male version of the tomboy is so telling! I have twin toddler boys and I’m doing my best to help them escape the tyranny of restrictive gender stereotypes! What a great post!