Can I prevent my daughter from hating her body?

When was the first time you disliked your body? You may be able to pinpoint the exact event or comment by a relative that made you feel self-conscious and awkward.

For me, it was my stomach. I’ve never had a flat stomach; never a 6-pack or washboard abs. Not even close.

Even when I was young and scrawny, I always felt like my belly stuck out a little more than other kids’ bellies.

There’s even a photo to prove it.

For almost my entire life, I’ve loathed my tummy a bit. At times, more than others. It’s ranged from full-out “let me try doing crunches and planks every night” to “eh – this whole breastfeeding thing seems to have pulled my pregnancy belly right back in” to “ugh, why don’t any of my pants fit?”

An order of positive body image with a side of fries

The other day when I noticed my 3 year-old’s teeny little love handles after her bath, I wondered – – – can I possibly prevent my child from hating her midsection? And any other part of her body?

Don’t you wish you could throw “super power body image for kids” into your Amazon shopping cart and watch it arrive in two days on your front step? 

Or take out some kind of insurance policy?

I do, too.

When I first felt vulnerable and exposed

I clearly remember the first two instances I felt exposed, vulnerable, or somewhat ashamed of my body. One was the day my sister and I had to wear matching bikinis, gifted to us. At about age 7, having never worn a bra or two-piece before, it felt bizarre to have something tied around my chest. I also hated the world being able to see my stomach.

The second was a dance recital. For tap class, my dance teacher got creative and incorporated basketballs into our routine. (The Harlem Globetrotters were hot at the time.) It wasn’t enough that a contact-sport-averse child like me had to throw a basketball over my head and simultaneously catch another. But we also had to wear a red, two-piece outfit: shorts and a cropped top, with gold sequin trim.

I remember thinking, even as a thin child – “my belly sticks out in this and I hate it.” Also, I already knew I was “supposed to” suck in my stomach.

Plus, the sequin trim was itchy as hell.

Thinking back on it, I wonder how the largest girl in our class felt. Was she miserable, too?

Related: 5 ways to be kinder to your body this year.

The dangers of self-objectification

Objectification is when we consciously or unconsciously see a body as an object, rather than a person. This happens to women and girls’ bodies most often, but it can certainly be a challenge for anyone. Many visuals – through ads and on social media – reinforce objectification by only showing a person’s body without their head, or a backside workout selfie.

When you are exposed to repeated visuals of objectification, you can start to see yourself as an object, through the lens of others, rather than as a complete person.

The list of negative impacts of self-objectification is long: anxiety and depression, disordered eating, reduced experiences of “flow” and productivity, habitual body monitoring, viewing women as having less agency, and more.

Think about it… you have probably noticed this trend on social media, even if subconsciously. If you’ve ever seen a fashion blogger show their outfit but not their head or face, that might be considered self-objectification. I’ve heard fashion bloggers say they get more “likes” when their face is absent.

Let’s be clear though… no individual can overcome objectification singularly; it’s a pervasive and sexist, systemic machine.

Of course, gaze matters, too. When you see a woman model clothes, does it seem like she is being watched? Or does it seem like she is the one in control, experiencing life?

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What can parents do to build their child’s positive body image?

At times, it might feel hopeless. You worry that your child will be consumed with how they look, or even worse… start to hate their bodies and themselves.

Even if you’ve had fairly positive body image throughout your life, you’ve probably witnessed friends struggle with body dysmorphia, eating disorders, or low self-esteem.

So what can we do as parents to prevent these situations, and build healthy body image for our children?

There’s no magic pill, but there are several steps we can take as parents to shore up their confidence NOW and set a strong foundation before they reach the difficult adolescent years.

How to Nurture Healthy Body Image: 8 Advanced Strategies You Haven’t Already Heard

In my brand new guide, I offer eight tips for you to set this foundation. Number 4 is to reflect on your early insecurities. I shared mine above (with vintage photos to boot!) … now take a moment to reflect on yours.

The guide has room for you to journal about the first time you felt self-conscious about your body.

Think about:

• When did you first feel self-conscious about your body or appearance?
• How did that moment shape the rest of your life?
• How did that moment shape your relationship to yourself?

The self-work process can get a little uncomfortable, to be honest. But it’s a critical step in your ability to become a positive body image role model for your children. The best way to become that body image champion is to begin the process of “becoming okay” with yourself just as you are.

Self-reflection helps us process and confront the early experiences that shaped us. It also helps us to better prepare for the relationship our children will have to their OWN bodies.

Now, I can finally smile contentedly about my “soft belly” when my preschooler displays her own. I don’t have to love my belly, but I won’t let her see me hate it. And with each passing day, I am determined to become more okay with it. For me, but especially for her.

Download the guide here for the other seven tips – ones you haven’t already heard a hundred times before!

Be sure to check in on Facebook and Instagram this week, as I’ll be going live to discuss this concept and be a sounding board for your own experiences.