You’ve been trying to get into this whole “gender inclusive” parenting thing, doing your best to buck the stereotypes, and introduce your children to a wide range of possibilities beyond pink and blue.
You’ve said no to tee shirts that say “Daddy’s Little Princess” or “Ladies’ Man.”
But still you see your daughter longing for princess gowns. You see your son obsessing over superheroes and baseball.
You’re ready to throw your hands up in the air.
It’s not working! Did I do something wrong? Maybe my insistence on gender neutral onesies had the opposite effect and pushed them toward these more traditional gender roles.
Before you give up… DON’T!
You certainly haven’t failed, and I promise this is worth the effort. Before you get discouraged, please remember a few things about children and gender stereotypes:
- Your children are a small test sample.
It’s easy for parents, grandparents, and others to attribute children’s passions and traits to nature and discount nurture.
When the first-born daughter plays it more cautious and the second-born son hurls himself off of every piece of furniture, relatives may say “well yes, girls like to play it safe, and boys are just more rough-and-tumble.” Especially older folks, who like to try to give some pearls of wisdom to the struggling new parents, and help you find some kind of explanation.
But let’s remember… these are only two children. It’s VERY unscientific to make broad generalizations about gender based on only two children. Yes, qualitative data is wonderful, but researchers would certainly want to observe many more children before they draw sweeping conclusions like that.
Related: Gender and language: try this one little trick
Might birth order have something to do with their personalities? Second born children may be more risky because they try to emulate everything their older sibling does, before they’ve reached that developmental capacity on their own.
Might parenting have something to do with it? Most parents I know are a bit more lax with their second child when it comes to worries about safety. Those “new parent” anxieties might loosen once the second comes around.
Might the adults in the children’s lives play a role? We know that adults speak to boys and girls differently, starting at birth, and offer different toy options to children based on their sex. These biases continue into school settings, too.
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They live in a world that sends loud messages to boys and girls about gender expectations
When a mother of two boys observes them rough-housing and fawning over sports, it’s easy to think… well yeah, that’s how boys are.
The boys chose sports as a hobby, but they did not choose in a vacuum. Those choices were made in a society that maintains unwavering rules about who girls and boys should be. The same society that gives little attention to anything beyond the binary.
Related: the problem with color-coding our children
Let’s face it – our culture is almost desperate for boys to like sports. Bibs that say “Little Slugger” and “All Star” are targeted to boys AND to adults who raise boys, before those boys can even walk. On the contrary, when I wanted a Red Sox shirt for my daughter, I had to hunt in the Boys section at Old Navy.
Boys know that choosing a “non-boyish” hobby may put them at risk for bullying. Putting aside dance lessons or gymnastics, even boys who prefer to read or draw are considered strange by some, and classmates may taunt boys who do. Why make the hard choice when it seems easier to go play kickball?
Parents often support this type of bullying avoidance, too. It feels easier to steer children toward an acceptable hobby or outfit than teach them how to stand up to naysayers.
Adults send strong messages about gender, as well. My daughter receives compliments about being “pretty” even when she wears navy blue sandals from the boys’ department. Adults are obsessed with complimenting girls’ appearances, while boys are more likely to be praised for their behavior and achievements.
Related: 9 things to say to girls instead of “you’re pretty”
Children internalize these compliments deeply. My daughter has asked me whether her teacher will think her dress is pretty, because that’s the feedback she’s heard. She notices the excitement and praise of adults when she’s dressed up; she sees the smiles and learns that pretty = good. And now she strives for those external validations of her appearance, much to my dismay.
So when we say the selection of a dress is a “choice,” let’s be very careful to understand the world in which children make those choices.
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This stage may simply be a stage.
If you are worried about your child conforming to gender stereotypes, remember that nothing lasts forever.
My friend Christine’s 5 year-old daughter Natalie has been begging for a princess dress for months, and they finally gave in. Christine wondered: if she had a son who was dying for an Elsa gown would she be jazzed and kinda proud of her progressive parenting style? Probably. So why deny that same opportunity to her daughter? Understandable.
More: how to handle your daughter’s princess obsession
But parents like you who embark on this gender inclusive journey may feel discouraged when your children exhibit traditional gender norms.
However, remember that the princess gown phase doesn’t last forever, and it’s usually influenced by what they see at school and at friends’ houses. Children become very aware of gender at about age 3 to 5, and kids like to fit into expectations during this developmental stage.
For example, my friend Leila’s son Harrison, now 10, was obsessed with dinosaurs during preschool when it was obvious that dinosaurs were what he was “supposed to” like, just as all the other preschool boys. After a couple years, he felt free to give up the ruse and move on to hobbies he truly enjoyed.
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You are teaching them deeper lessons
Feminist parenting (or gender inclusive parenting, conscious parenting, whatever you want to call it) teaches deeper lessons to children beyond their outward interests and clothing. The conversation about gender stereotypes and children does not begin and end with clothes, toys, and hobbies.
Related: boys and femininity: what’s the big deal?
By going down this path, you have chosen to teach your children about historic sexism, the ways that misogyny still permeates our culture, how it intersects with other oppression like racism and homophobia, and most importantly, that they should embrace their individuality rather than conform to rigid gender expectations. You teach your children about the equality within your household, and that both parents can be problem solvers AND caregivers. Each day you think about the language you use with your kids. And you speak with teachers about their classroom techniques, and start conversations with your in-laws.
These are the lessons your children need; the lessons they will carry with them for years.
After all, my mom played Free to Be for me in the early ’80s, and I can still remember the stories about William wanting a doll, the babies in the nursery trying to figure out their respective sexes, and Atalanta racing against all of her male suitors. It’s no coincidence that I became a women’s studies minor, women’s policy advocate, and gender norm renegade, is it?
What’s the lesson you most hope your child will remember? Tell us below.
And be sure to grab your copy of 7 Easy Ways to Parent without Stereotypes here.
Very interesting to see where nature and nuture kicks in.
We encourage our daughters to follow their dreams and like what they want to like – not just what they’re told to like! Great post!
I think it’s 100% ok if a kid likes the things the other kids at that age like. Some girls are going to like dolls. Some boys are going to like baseball. That’s perfectly fine. Some boys will like dolls and some girls will like baseball which is perfectly fine too. Just because your child isn’t DEFYING stereotypes, per say, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re only choosing certain activities because society tells them too and they feel trapped. We need to be accepting of ALL likes of kids – not just “gender defying” ones! Nice post!
As an elementary teacher I love when I see my students just following their heart and what interests them and not caring about the color or if they’ll be judged for choosing pink paper or markers as a boy.