The other day, my daughter approached me at breakfast and starting complimenting my clothes.
“Mommy, I like your shirt.”
“Oooh this is pretttty.”
“Mommy, the flowers on your shirt are pretty.”
I stifled a sigh of frustration.
She was being nice, of course. Shouldn’t I be grateful that she isn’t throwing a fit about the fact that we ran out of bananas?
So why would I be frustrated about a seemingly sweet compliment?
She’s more than pretty – she’s pretty awesome
I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve used the word “pretty” around our daughter. And most times, it was probably about flowers outside.
When we comment on her appearance, it’s usually much more descriptive.
“Cool you have planes on your socks!”
“Wow, that yellow sweater is nice and bright.”
“How do you feel in your Christmas outfit?”
I’ve written before about why we need to stop valuing girls first for their appearance. There are so many more interesting topics of discussion with children.
And yet, at this young age, she has already internalized messages from other people that “pretty” is a compliment. That “pretty” applies to things we wear. That “pretty” is a GOOD thing.
I know what you’re thinking… it’s not a bad thing either. Yes, true. But I just don’t want my daughter’s looks to be her defining value. I want her to feel valued based on her skills, strengths, talents, personality, and interests.
Sometimes it makes me want to shield her from the world around us. But we can’t do that. After all, I don’t have the patience for home-schooling.
The foundation we build at home
It hit me a in a pretty big way… the foundation we give our child is way more important than what she hears or learns on the outside.
Of course, we’ll continue to discuss with her the messages that she hears at school, from friends, and from other adults.
But she will build her character at home.
And it starts with us.
We are the very first role models
I was lucky enough to grow up in a household with a mom and an older sister who modeled extremely positive attitudes about bodies and food. They didn’t diet. They didn’t obsess about their thighs. Their examples provided me a rock-solid foundation for my body image.
Girls’ self-confidence isn’t always inherent, it doesn’t happen overnight, and it can waver throughout the years.
Can we expect our daughters to feel good about themselves if we always criticize ourselves?
Will our daughters to come to us with their problems if we don’t take the time to establish their trust?
Will they feel like leaders if we don’t?
For all of these reasons, my sister Jackie and I teamed up to create a 5 Day Reboot to Raise Confident Girls.
In just 5-7 minutes a day, the Reboot will give you new and revitalized tools to help your daughter build her authenticity, develop positive body image, understand her community, and jumpstart her leadership skills.
Will she turn into Malala overnight? Maybe not 🙂 but you’ll get new tools to help her grow into the rock star you know she is!
Some of you may ask – what about the boys?
If you’ve been reading Think or Blue for a while, you know that this space is dedicated to boys, also. They, too, are forced into gendered stereotypes from a very young age and presented with a skewed version of masculinity that doesn’t match up with their diverse interests and complex personalities. While all children need common lessons about compassion and equity and care for our neighbors, our society’s current gender roles have necessitated slightly different tools to address these specific needs, such as hypersexualization and over-emphasis on beauty.
By the age of 6, girls think that boys are more brilliant than they are. Gah!
So this one is for the girls.
BUT – that doesn’t mean that parents of boys can’t benefit from this Reboot. Part of raising a compassionate, strong boy requires an understanding of what girls face each day. If we want to eradicate sexism, we need to raise the next generation differently. So please feel free to join us, too!
And we’ll continue to write pieces like these about raising boys:
Boys and Femininity: What Are We So Afraid Of?
Why Saying “You’re OK” is Harmful to Boys
By joining this Reboot, you’ll get tips to create an open and honest environment, build her authenticity, foster positive body image, engage her media literacy, and develop her leadership skills.
Sign up today, and we’ll see you tomorrow for Day 1 of the Reboot!
What a great post! Having two young daughters I can relate. It is frustrating when I hear them say they can’t do something because they are a girl and it’s only for boys. I always tell them they can do whatever they want. I love what you are doing adn the reboot has been very beneficial so far. Thank you!
Michelle, I’m so glad this has struck a chord for you. That can be very frustrating indeed. I hate that those messages can start so early! Glad they have you 🙂
This post is SO IMPORTANT!!
Thank you for writing this!! I always try hard not to say stuff to my two year old niece about her looks. Every single person in the family always comments on how pretty or cute she is, or her hair or clothes, and it’s well meaning but not the best way to raise her!!
Thanks, Kelsey. That’s great that you’re taking a different approach with your niece. I’m sure it is going to pay off in the long run! She is lucky to have you as an aunt!
I don’t have children but I think any young woman can relate to the uphill battle of gaining confidence in grade school. I wasn’t confident at all until I had my “ah-ha” moment in Junior year, but I think its amazing that you’ve created a guide to help young girls grow up engaged and confident!
Thanks for the comment, Elizabeth. I’m very curious about your a-ha moment! Those are always the good ones to teach our girls young.
I just love this post! I always make a point to tell my daughters they are more than just pretty…. smart, confident, funny, creative, etc.
Thanks, Caitlin. That’s so wonderful that they’re hearing from you regularly about the other wonderful qualities they possess! I’m sure it will go a long way in their confidence over the years.