Please stop feeling guilty when your kid plays alone!
I swear, independent play is sooooo good for children. And yet, somehow our parental guilt – often mom guilt – kicks in and makes you second-guess yourself when your child plays with blocks on their own.
I’ve been there, too.
One sunny summer day, I sat in a chair on our front stoop and read my Elin Hilderbrand novel while my daughter happily played with water toys on the grass.
A neighbor drove by and waved. For a hot second I thought – do I look like an un-engaged parent right now? A bored mom? A neglectful mom? Even worse – an indulgent mom for daring to read a beach novel while I’m supposed to be “entertaining” my kid?
Our own guilt as parents is one of the worst culprits for removing children’s opportunities for independent play.
THE BENEFITS OF INDEPENDENT PLAY
You’ve probably heard the evidence before. Independent play is great for children’s brains and development.
Play is how children learn and process the world around them. This is why, before or after your child’s first bus ride or plane ride, they might re-enact it 75 times with their stuffed animals. It helps them make sense of what’s going on in their world.
Solo play helps children become independent thinkers, question how things work, become accustomed to failure (and the power of trying again), and sink into the “flow state.” Read more here about the benefits of independent play, especially for families who care about feminism and equity.
So why do you feel that gnawing pang every time your child plays castles & dragons on their own?
WHY WE FEEL WORKING PARENT GUILT
Whereas previous generations didn’t feel it was their job or obligation to “entertain” their children constantly, parents today are typically more hands-on.
I mean, Betty Draper was way more interested in her cigarette than her son’s field trip.
Parents who work outside the home feel the guilt of being away from their children intensely. It turns out that fathers are just as impacted, as well!
However, women on average still spend more time doing child care, regardless of whether hours of paid work increase. (All the Rage.) So it’s tricky to know whether fathers’ guilt is a result of working outside the home or actually not spending as much time with their children.
Either way, if you feel guilt for being away from your children, you may feel pressure to be exciting and fun when you’re together. Maybe you create funny pretend characters or fill weekends with outings to every park/fair in sight. But your heartfelt, good intentions may subtract from your child’s moments of organic, independent play.
IS IT SO BAD IF I PLAY WITH MY KIDS A LOT?
Please don’t read this as an extra reason to feel guilt, by the way. (Uh-oh, am I too imposing??) Just the opposite! It’s wonderful to combine present moments with your child where you DO play together with moments that both of you “play” separately. After all, you deserve restful moments that enrich your creative side, too – whether that’s simply reading a book or strumming the guitar.
Plus, if you serve as your kids’ constant playmate, you may unwittingly teach them that:
* YOU are responsible for their play
* They need you to come up with imaginative ideas
* Productivity and “busy-ness” is important.
HOW TO EASE THE GUILT & HELP YOUR CHILDREN PLAY INDEPENDENTLY
So how can I ditch the mom guilt and encourage my child to play alone?
1) Recognize first that independent play – while natural and easy for some kids – is a skill for others. If it doesn’t come right away, that’s okay. You can encourage them to practice it, just like piano, baseball, or math!
2) Think of yourself as their “play coach” instead of their playmate. You can lay the foundation and provide encouragement. But you don’t have to be their main source of entertainment.
3) Don’t solve boredom too quickly. If they say “I’m bored” or act bored, don’t rush in to solve it with a chore or an idea. Instead, put your best thinking face on: “Hmmm…. I wonder what you’ll come up with.”
4) Remember that satisfying strangers won’t help you at home. Are your efforts to play with your kids or fill their schedules with activities the result of trying to appear to be a good parent? Are you trying to prove to someone else – your spouse or your parent – that you ARE a good parent?
Try to release that need for approval. You don’t need to prove your worth as a parent to anyone. Go ahead and enjoy that beach novel, too!
These are important mindset shifts. If you want more step-by-step guidance for how to create more frequent (and longer!) periods of play time at home, Immersive Play might be right for you.
This mini-course teaches you how I helped my 3 year-old go from 15 minutes a day to 3 whole hours of independent play per day.
Use the code KIDSHOME30 here for $30 off until May 18, 2023.
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