Around the world, women do almost three times as much housework as men. Yes, men are doing more child care and housework than they were 50 years ago. But on a typical day, a woman does three more hours per week of housework and moms who work outside the home do 65% of child care.
An easy way to dismiss the disparity in household work is biology. Women are just better at it, people say. They’re built to be in the home and raise kids.
Gender stereotypes about maternal instinct and women’s multi-tasking prowess, though, have been reconsidered in recent years. We know now that the practice of caregiving can actually change a caregiver’s brain (men, too!) to make them more attuned to a child’s needs. Plus, we’ve learned that women aren’t necessarily better at multi-tasking, and it isn’t really good for anyone!
So why does this myth that women have higher standards for cleanliness in the home pervade, and how can couples fix this at home?
IT MAKES MEN’S LIVES EASIER
Stay with me if this makes you uncomfortable. But… when a woman is accused of having “too-high” standards – whether for dating and marriage, or the bathroom sink – it’s easier to diminish her experience rather than expect change on the other side.
With a growing share of U.S. adults unmarried right now, it’s easy to blame it on women. They lack traditional values. They’re too concerned with work and having fun. They’re too self-absorbed.
Unfortunately, this narrative frees cis hetero men of the need to look inward. It absolves men’s self reflection about their emotional availability and ability to communicate – two partnership values that women have grown tired of sacrificing when dating.
It happens at home, too, after 5, 10, or 20 years of marriage. Women in hetero partnerships have internalized this blame when it comes to running a house and caring for kids. “I’m very type A,” women will say. “I like things a certain way.”
But I often wonder if this statement is true.
Obviously a woman can have a Type A personality. But two important elements escape this dialogue. One, the way society shames girls and women into a never-ending quest for perfect, feminine domesticity, judging them along the way. (Do we ever hear men describe themselves as Type A? Their competitiveness and desire to achieve is just “being a man.”)
Secondly, we place individual responsibility on women who try to achieve the very domestic perfection that society has insisted upon. Suddenly, her desires for crumbs to be swept off the floor immediately and children to wear hole-free clothes are unreasonable and something that only SHE can achieve. “I can never get it as clean as you want it, honey, so I’ll just let you take care of it,” she hears.
It’s easier for the “messier” partner to hide under the guise of biology (“men are messy pigs!”) and blame the cleaner one for having high standards than to re-evaluate the importance of home life in the first place.
THERE ARE VALUES HIDING IN THE LAUNDRY
Discord about household and parenting standards, however, can be more subtle.
For example, you both agree that laundry needs to get done, but have different standards for how quickly it needs to happen. One partner leaves the clean clothes sitting in the dryer or stuffed into a basket for several days, leaving your children’s clothes wrinkled. And who’s got time to iron tiny little shirts?
This problem sounds like it’s about timing/promptness/standards on the surface. But it’s really not. It’s actually about values.
You want your children to wear wrinkled-free clothing to appear neat and clean. Maybe as a child, your clothes were second-hand and never looked crisp. So you feel strongly about this for your children. Or perhaps you spent many hours ironing your parents’ and siblings’ clothing as a teen and you’re bone tired of that task, so you’d rather laundry be promptly removed.
See how stories exist underneath the tasks? It’s not just about the laundry. It’s about your values – what you want for yourself and your family.
But if you never take the time to discuss these stories, these values… you’ll keep having disagreements and resentment about the laundry.
FAIR PLAY & THE MINIMUM STANDARD OF CARE
This is where the Fair Play method steps in. After a couple orders the Fair Play cards and “builds their deck,” the minimum standard of care is so important.
If you simply say, “you mow the lawn and I’ll do the dishes,” you’ll skip a very important step.
The Minimum Standard of Care (MSC) is an opportunity for you and your partner to ask each yourselves: how do we want to do this? And why?
For example, you and your partner both agree that holidays are important, but you disagree about whether a meal brought to a holiday dinner can be store-bought or must be homemade. Instead of bickering about it the night before Thanksgiving or sacrificing sleep/leisure time to “just do it yourself,” you may discuss questions like this in advance:
- What did holidays mean to you as a child?
- Who did most of the cooking in your family?
- What are the expectations in our family/culture?
- Do we want to adhere to that expectation? Why or why not?
- What is our “why”? What are our values behind preparing this dish?
Discussing external expectations is key, too. Women are still judged more harshly for a messy house or unkempt kids. The Minimum Standard of Care discussion helps both partners understand why showing up with a store-bought pumpkin pie feels more difficult for one partner.
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE?
If this sounds overwhelming, you’re not sure where to start, or the Fair Play cards have collected dust since you ordered them, I can help.
I support individuals and couples to use the Fair Play method at home to share responsibilities more equitably, cut down on bickering and resentment, and develop a vision and path forward to the home life you dream about.
Let’s get started with a free consultation:
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