Look only so far as the television screen to see that adult men still carry the social pressure of “breadwinning” as a marker of true manhood.
Just this week, I watched three different shows where the male character’s fixation on earning money for his family (while his physical and emotional presence for his family slipped), created tension in the marriage.
- In Heartland, Lou felt isolated and overwhelmed when her husband Peter focused on breadwinning, rather than being present for his spouse and daughter.
- Toby and Kate’s marriage (in This is Us) suffered while they lived in two different cities and Toby passed up a lower-paying job opportunity that would allow him to move back to the family home.
- In a Gilmore Girls rerun, Richard said, “I want to get up every morning and put on my suit and go to my office and do my work, like I’ve done every day for 30 years. That’s what I want to do. That’s the only thing I want to do.”
Even though a man’s participation in child care and housework is one of the MOST important factors in a female partner’s satisfaction (in “cishet” relationships = heterosexual relationship among two cisgender adults), egalitarian relationships are good for children, too.
Impacts of gender roles on kids
Across the world, gender stereotypes and gender roles have a significant impact on children. The ideas that men are strong and dominant and that women need protecting are a global issue; they start in early childhood and are reinforced by schools, community members, and media.
By age 6, girls believe that boys are “more brilliant.” Even more serious links with gender stereotypes include: child marriage, pregnancy, leaving school early, STIs, and exposure to violence.[i]
Impacts of gender stereotypes on boys include increased risk of substance abuse, suicide, and shorter life expectancy.[ii] Boys with higher stereotyped play as preschoolers have higher physical aggression at age 13.[iii]
These health risks are onset at adolescence and can continue through adult life. (Journal of Adolescent Health, 2018.)
Unconscious gender roles at home
Does this mean that a family arrangement with a stay-at-home mother is destined to harm the children in the family? Of course not.
Even in male-female relationships where both partners work full-time, women report doing twice as much child care as their husbands. And when women out-earn their husbands, their time spent on housework soars. This means that, regardless of work arrangements, a couple may promote traditional gender roles without realizing it.
This also means that the presence of a woman with an out-of-home job is not necessarily enough, on its own, to rebuff gender norms for children. It may not be enough to encourage non-traditional career choices for girls either.
Parents’ beliefs can impact career aspirations
Children’s career aspirations are based on four major factors : (1) people they know – 36%; (2) television, film, and radio – 45%; (3) socioeconomic background, and (4) gender stereotypes.[iv]
Messages from parents are certainly important in shaping children’s beliefs about gender roles. But what’s more important – what parents DO or what they SAY? Or what they actually BELIEVE?
It turns out that it’s different, depending on whether it comes from mom or dad.
In a recent study, daughters were more likely to envision working outside the home in two situations:
(1) Mothers described themselves as more work-oriented and did relatively less domestic work, AND at the same time fathers held explicit egalitarian beliefs about domestic work.
(2) Fathers do more domestic work AND have implicit beliefs (what they actually believe; not just say) about gender roles at home. In other words, if fathers say “girls can be anything” but truly believe deep down that cooking and cleaning are women’s jobs or feel they’re being unfairly “nagged” to do more around the house – – it won’t benefit their daughters’ career goals.
Egalitarian relationships make happier parents
You know the whole oxygen mask analogy, right? Basically, you can’t parent from a place of depletion and emptiness. So you need to put on your mask first.
But we often don’t do this. Women have been sold the myth that martyrdom produces happy children. That our happiness and fulfillment comes second. Or third or fourth. Only after everyone else’s happiness.
In Eve Rodsky’s Unicorn Space, her friend LeeAnah described this problem: “I’m the human equivalent of a conveyer belt. The work keeps piling up and coming down the line. Meanwhile, my partner is a single plate, and when it’s full, he’s ‘done.’”
But when women feel supported at home, their happiness increases. To phrase it negatively, the division of labor is the primary source of conflict after couples have children. And, women initiate almost 70% of divorce. (All the Rage.)
To phrase it positively: a male partner’s contribution to child care is the most important factor predicting mothers’ satisfaction after having children. And it’s good for men, too.
We must ask ourselves – what type of woman do we want our daughters to become? A robot who consistently sacrifices her own needs to achieve efficiency and productivity in the name of serving others? Or do we want her to become a woman who prioritizes rest and creativity, and uses her voice to articulate her needs?
Involved fathers are good for children
The structures that shape work and home are still not set up to encourage male caregiving. In the United States, in 2023, we lack a universal system of paid family and medical leave, with a slow state-by-state process chipping away.
This is a problem because men are more likely to take leave to welcome a new child when leave is paid. And even when it IS paid, they are less likely to take it than women – mostly due to cultural expectations & gender roles that don’t normalize male caregiving. What will their co-workers say? What will their boss assume about their commitment?
But when men DO have paid leave, it benefits children. Not only do fathers with paid leave become more involved in caretaking at the newborn stage, but with a longer leave they are more involved in the child’s life 9 months later, and closer relationships with their children 9 YEARS later.
Male caregivers spur new gender roles
Not only does male caregiving support parent-child relationships, it models a new version of masculinity for young children – especially young boys.
In Darcy Lockman’s All the Rage, she observed something quirky – so many women described their husbands as “hands-on dads.” Yet, when it came to arranging for a babysitter or knowing the soccer schedule, these women admitted their husbands wouldn’t know where to start.
It’s easy to think that a more involved male partner will MOSTLY benefit his overworked, burned-out female partner in cishet relationships. But, what about the impacts on children?
What if a little boy grows up watching his dad cook dinners, provide hugs and comfort for a scraped knee, mop the floors, and manage the school bake sale single-handedly?
He’ll learn that men cook and clean, too. That men have feelings and allow space for others’ feelings. That men are a critical part of the family infrastructure. Perhaps he’ll grow up feeling those roles are natural for him, too – that caregiving is manly – a beautiful, complicated thread in the web of his masculinity.
And what if a little girl grows up watching her dad pack her soccer bag, take her to the pediatrician, arrange date nights, and handle the whole household’s laundry?
She’ll know that men can cook and clean. Of course she will. She already knows that. But she’ll learn that men are competent, too. She’ll know that people of any gender can not only handle any household task, but can run the entire household.
That men can think about, consider, and plan for other people’s needs.
She’ll expect this kind of partnership, no matter who she loves.
Isn’t THIS how we truly change gender roles?
If things feel “unbalanced” at home, and you need help getting your partner to pitch in more, learn more about the Fair Play method here.
I’m a certified Fair Play facilitator and would love to help you ease the mental load & reclaim time for yourself.
[i] https://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(17)30356-7/fulltext
[ii] https://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(17)30356-7/fulltext
[iii] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5891550/
[iv] UCL Faculty of Education and Society, 2018. https://www.ucl.ac.uk/ioe/news/2018
Photo cites: Pexels: Ketut Subianto, Ron Lach, and Tima Miroshnichenko
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