The month of December is often filled with lots of parties, events, school functions, and work gatherings. With all of the hubbub, you may come together with people you haven’t seen in a while. Or with people you don’t know very well.
That includes kids, too.
Perhaps you’ll see a grandchild, cousin, niece, nephew, or a friend’s child. No matter who it is, if you haven’t seen the child in a while, it might feel a little awkward – for you OR them!
Today we have feminist parenting tips for the holidays, so that you don’t fall into old patterns of body shaming, lack of boundaries, and outdated gender stereotypes.
Because sometimes all of the gender equity strategies you learn can just slip out of your head the moment you’re around family or friends who’ve known you a long time. Or when you interact with OTHER people’s kids, not just your own.
So here are 10 gender-inclusive strategies to remember when you see kids at the holidays:
1. Don’t assume boys like sports. If the answer is no, they will feel like something is wrong with them. Try an open-ended question instead, like “what do you like to do when you’re not in school? (Find more conversation starters here.)
2. Ask before you touch. I know, little cuties can be irresistible. You just want to grab their cheeks and smother them with smooches. But ask first, and really listen for their response. Do they seem hesitant? Best practice: give them options. Example: “Are you up for a hug or a high five?” (Phrased as two options, rather than an either-or choice.) Be ok if the answer to both is no.
3. Focus on their interests, not their appearance. I know, I know, that little girl looks so adorable in her tights and Mary Jane shoes. You want to ooooh and ahhhhh about how adorable you are and that pretty little ruffle and aren’t you just the cutest! If you fuss and fuss, it sends the signal that how children look is extremely important.
Pay attention to how often you use the word “pretty” or “beautiful” with girls, as opposed to boys. Through our words, we train girls to be hyper-focused on appearance, which can lead to anxiety, stress, and decreased confidence as they age. Instead, let them know that they are valuable as people; not as pretty little things.
4. Girl heroes are for boys, too. In gift giving, we so often assume that boys won’t (or don’t want to) read about girl protagonists. Where will this leave us? Well… we’ll have boys who think that girls’ stories aren’t important, or that girls never get to be the lead. Eeek! And then we wonder why men interrupt women so often and feel entitled to power and to dominate.
Related: 11 female role models for boys
5. There’s no such thing as “boy toys” or “girl toys.” This probably doesn’t even need to be said in THIS community. Buuuuut, I’ve heard from friends whose in-laws still use these terms. Spread the word with family and let them know that ALL. TOYS. ARE. FOR. ALL. KIDS.
6. It’s okay if kids need breaks. This might not seem like feminist parenting at first. But our goal here is to embrace each child’s strengths and challenges. And to help them embrace their individuality. Some children are simply not extroverted, or have anxiety or other reasons that they need space and alone time. Respect it, and let them be who they are! Don’t force them to take part in every single activity.
7. Follow their lead. As adults, we have the tendency to over-insert ourselves in what children are doing. We make it about us, and not them. Gender influences this, too. We all have inherent bias that can cause us to ask girls if they want to draw, and ask boys if they want to toss the football. Be aware of how you’re infringing on their choices.
8. Watch how you label kids. Ok, admit it – we all have little elevator speeches we use when family or friends ask about our job, school, moving, or raising children. Or any other major topic that’s HARD to condense in one sentence. Kids are the same, but we often try to sum them up quickly for others: “oh, he’s 100% boy”or “my daughter is definitely a girly girl.” These labels can’t possibly encapsulate their full personalities. But labels can stick around for a long time. (Read more about why to avoid labeling kids.)
9. Reconsider “naughty or nice.” Don’t assume that you know where the child or their parents stand on Santa Claus or Elf on the Shelf, or any other modern custom. Certainly we all celebrate different religious and secular holidays (or maybe none at all). But when I listened to the lyrics from “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” today, it made me think twice.
It’s almost strange that we hang these threats of “being good” over their head for the promise of rewards (gifts). Because frankly, I’d rather my kid respect ME than Santa or the Elf. And when we rely too heavily on rewards and punishments, we raise children who are motivated by external factors, Don’t we want to raise a child who stands up to bully behavior, rather than go along with the pack for the promise of popularity or forgoing the risk of teasing?
It also denies their developmentally-appropriate behaviors, like “pouting and crying.” Instead of telling girls to “be nice” or boys to “stop crying,” let them be kids and feel their emotions.
10. Don’t body-shame or food-shame. Food is a natural part of gatherings. When someone offers you a cookie, don’t say “Sure, but I’m being so bad. I’ll have to hit the gym in January!” or “No, I’ve already had three!” Instead, just say “yes, please” or “no thank you.” No one’s judging you but yourself. So stop feeling like you need excuses, reasons, or penalties. Similarly, don’t ask someone if they’re “being good” when they decline dessert. In fact, there’s no need to comment on others’ food choices at all!
Children and teens hear all of the messages underlying your words —> we are “bad” or “good” according to which foods we’ve eaten and how much. And that we need to police ourselves and our friends for what they choose to enjoy during the holidays. Yikes! Instead, treat food as a natural part of the holidays that everyone can enjoy at their own choice and pace. There’s just no need for penalties or discipline. Get rid of the shame-talk once and for all.
Share below: which of these tips did you find most useful?
Be sure to share this post with a friend or family member who might need to hear these feminist parenting tips during the holiday season.
Now you can enjoy the holiday season AND work to achieve gender equity for the next generation, all at the same time. Win-win!
Don’t forget to nab access to the Feminist Parenting Resource Library here:
Good to remember not to always comment on appearance of kids!