In conversations about gender stereotypes, it is easy to focus on only two sides of the cube – male and female.
Notice I didn’t say “two sides of the coin”?
That’s because there are more than two genders.
So let’s think about it as a Rubik’s cube. That cube has six different sides, but at various points in the game, rows and columns can be morphed to create a whole new looking side. Each square, row, column, and side, with various colors, is delightfully unique.
Turns out I’m not the only one who thinks about gender this way. In the Social Justice Advocate’s Handbook: A Guide to Gender, Sam Killermann said:
Gender is like a Rubik’s Cube with one hundred squares per side, and every time you twist it to take a look at another angle, you make it that much harder a puzzle to solve.”
Here and on social media, I’ve written words such as “nonbinary” and “pansexual” and y’all have asked for clarification. If you get a little confused, you’re not the only one. You might feel like there’s a new term every day and it’s hard to keep up. And yes, while awareness about these terms has soared in the last few years, it’s important not to treat them as trendy. If you want to be a true ally to the LGBTQ community, put on your student hat, do some learning, and respect people’s identities.
COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT GENDER
What is the difference between gender and sexuality?
Many people mix these up, but they are very different. I’ve heard people describe the difference in a very simple way. “Sexuality is who you go to bed WITH; gender is who you go to bed AS.”
Today we will focus on gender only, as gender is a centerpiece of this blog.
Admittedly, in challenging gender stereotypes, we have often focused on breaking myths about what it means to be a girl or a boy, because there’s still so much work to be done to break those molds. However, we are committed to understanding and exploring the complexities of gender and valuing all beyond the binary.
Related: Free Parenting Resources
Are “gender identity” and “gender expression” the same thing?
No. Gender identity is our internal experience of naming our own gender; how we feel about our own gender. For example, I’ve always “felt like” a girl/woman and identified as female.
Gender expression is how we present our gender identity to the world around us. This may be through a variety of ways: hair, clothing, voice, and mannerisms. Society often labels these as “masculine” or “feminine” based on long-held assumptions about what femininity and masculinity are.
But we can’t pinpoint someone’s gender identity based on their expression. As an example from Gender Spectrum, “a cisgender* boy may like to wear skirts or dresses. His choice in clothing doesn’t change his gender identity; it simply means that he prefers (at least some of the time) to wear clothing that society typically associates with girls.”
*See next question for cisgender definition.
Do we know a baby’s gender at birth?
No.
We typically assign a “sex” to a child at birth, female or male, based on their genitals. While most agree that gender is a social construct, some call sex a social construct too, as it may be determined in several ways. (If you want to go deeper on this topic, check out videos from Riley Dennis, who is incredibly informative.)
For the most part, our society only gives children two gender identities to learn: boy or girl. This is called the “gender binary.” But it may take quite some time for an individual to learn and express their own gender identity.
More: the problem with color-coding children
A person who is cisgender has a gender identity that matches with the sex they were assigned at birth. Example: Raul was born with male genitalia and identifies as a man.
A transgender person has a gender identity that does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. Example: Alex was born with female genitalia but has always felt strange trying to live as a female, and identifies with being male.
A person may also be intersex, when a person is born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definition of male or female. This may complicate the sex they are assigned at birth. These symptoms may show up at birth, puberty, or later in life. Read more from the Intersex Society of North America about what this means, and how it impacts children.
Gender beyond male and female: what if a person doesn’t identify as either?
This is an experience for many folks, and it’s often referred to as non-binary or genderqueer. Even Tinder, the popular dating app, has more than 35 gender identities from which to pick, while Facebook offers more than 70, with the option to enter your own.
To go a little deeper on this topic, check out another helpful video from Riley Dennis, who talks quickly but is extremely informative.
“Recognizing that non-binary genders exist will put you on the right side of history in the long run.” – Riley Dennis
A few more important terms beyond the gender binary:
Genderqueer is an umbrella term for folks who do not subscribe to conventional gender distinctions but may identify with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders. Read more about this from a nonbinary writer.
According to the Human Rights Campaign, gender-fluid is a person who does not identify with a single fixed gender, and may express a fluid or unfixed gender identity. Example: Tana has female anatomy but identifies strongly with components of masculinity and femininity. More from Ruby Rose as to what it feels like to be gender fluid.
Gender non-conforming: A broad term referring to people who do not behave in a way that conforms to the traditional expectations of their gender, or whose gender expression does not fit neatly into a category. Example: Dani was born with male anatomy and wears long hair and skirts consistent with female identities, but feels male, too. Dani’s pronouns are both “he” and “she.”
#ThouCrushThursday celebrates desire beyond the gender binary
If I meet a person who doesn’t identify as male or female (or I’m not sure!) what pronouns should I use?
The number one rule is respect. And kindness. Ok, two rules. If you use respect, kindness, and humility (fine, three!) then you will be fine.
Check out these helpful tips about pronouns, and how you can ask in a friendly and polite way.
Be sure to watch this video from Minus 18, an awesome group from Australia, about pronouns. It’s friendly and accessible.
My friends at True Colors have highlighted that, if you make a mistake, correct yourself and move on. Don’t make a big deal and harp on it, as it will make everyone feel unnecessarily awkward.
Why does my child’s gender matter?
In spaces like this, where we challenge traditional notions about gender and the accompanying stereotypes, some will accuse us of attempting to erase gender from society, but that’s not our intent. Instead, we aim to respect a child’s development and recognition of their own gender, while valuing each child’s unique characteristics and gifts they possess not because of their gender, but because of who they are.
Related: boys and femininity: what are we so scared of?
Let’s leave it with the wise words of George Johnson, excerpted from this piece with the Black Youth Project, about the intersections of race, gender, sexuality, and privilege:
A parent’s stance should always be to love the child as they are, nurturing the person they are meant to be. A parent’s job is to protect the person the child actually is, not force the child into the safest acceptable identity.
LGBTQ RESOURCES:
The Trevor Project: saving young LGBTQ lives. Call the national 24/7 lifeline if you’re a young person in crisis or feeling suicidal -866-488-7386. Text or chat here.
The Trevor Project’s Model School Policy
GLSEN: championing LGBTQ issues in K-12 education since 1990
Human Rights Campaign: Trans Youth Support
Minus 18: champions for LGBTQ youth in Australia
Pride.com: LGBT and Queer Voices
Resources for Non-Binary Youth
Safe Zone Project: resources for creating LGBTQ awareness and allyship trainings
True Colors CT: sexual minority youth and family services
10 YA Novels with Trans Characters You’ll Love
If you are a member of the LGBTQ community, we’d especially love to hear your input. If your goal is to be an ally and have a respectful comment or question, please leave it below. If your goal is to challenge that any of these concepts exist, don’t bother. We hope you continue to seek education on this topic.
‘Anne Fausto-Sterling’s suggestion that the prevalence of intersex might be as high as 1.7% has attracted wide attention in both the scholarly press and the popular media. Many reviewers are not aware that this figure includes conditions which most clinicians do not recognize as intersex, such as Klinefelter syndrome, Turner syndrome, and late-onset adrenal hyperplasia. If the term intersex is to retain any meaning, the term should be restricted to those conditions in which chromosomal sex is inconsistent with phenotypic sex, or in which the phenotype is not classifiable as either male or female. Applying this more precise definition, the true prevalence of intersex is seen to be about 0.018%, almost 100 times lower than Fausto-Sterling s estimate of 1.7%.’
I understand the complexity of the issues that you are addressing and appreciate the thoughtfulness of your prose. I’ve learned a lot here.
Thank you for addressing so many of my questions, especially definitions of terms I am hearing more and more. The section on use of pronouns was particularly helpful.