Gender Inequality at Home Hurts Men Too

In most conversations about gender inequality at home and the unequal distribution of household work, child care, and the mental load, we often focus on the negative impacts for women. 

From health outcomes and stress levels to lack of personal fulfillment and feelings of abandonment, it’s not surprising why. 

It’s also easy to think that gender inequality at home functions only as a benefit to men. After all, we hear statistics about men, on average, having 5 more hours of leisure time than women. We read about the financial impacts at work, too – women with children end up earning less, while men with children get a financial boost at work (up to 6-11%). These are called the motherhood penalty and the fatherhood bonus. Notably, the penalty is worse for women of color and the bonus is better for “men at the top.”

It’s almost too easy to extol the various harms to women (which I’ve already done here) and leave men out of the conversation. Traditional ideals of masculinity have often robbed boys and men of exploring their full, complicated selves. And for men to become true partners in remedying the problem, we all must understand how gender inequality at home hurts men, too. 

THE IMPACTS OF UNFAIR DIVISION OF LABOR ON MEN

1. LESS OPPORTUNITY TO EXPAND EMOTIONAL CAPACITY

Mothers are just more emotionally connected to their children, right? They’re just “hard wired” that way? No, not necessarily. 

There’s a really cool study that may quiet any lingering criticism of single parents or male same-sex couples who raise children. It shows that caregiving can actually stimulate the emotional network of your brain. Researchers scanned parents’ brains as they watched their children. When women were primary caregivers, their emotional systems were most active (response to distress, emotional bonding, etc). The brains of men who were secondary caregivers had more active “planning and thinking” functions activated.

But here’s where it gets interesting. Men raising a child without a female partner had just as active an emotional system as the female primary caregivers, and still maintained the thinking and planning responses of the secondary fathers. See more here.

If we rely on outdated gender stereotypes that women are simply better at caregiving and more emotionally connected to their children, men miss out on the opportunity to expand their brains and their emotional capacities… simply by doing. By being there and taking on primary caregiving duties. 

After all, the plasticity of our brains is pretty cool. We CAN learn new things, right? What magic might happen if we believed our emotional capacity wasn’t fixed or finite, but instead could expand beautifully through more caregiving?

2. SHAME AND GUILT

When house work, child care, and the mental load are uneven at home, it results in lots of tension between partners. Men in hetero relationships often report feeling micromanaged, nagged, or “bossed around” by their spouse. 

While that’s happening, women on the other side of the partnership often feel that their partner doesn’t follow through on what they say they will, only does it half-assed, or needs constant instructions and directions for how to complete a task. She then reluctantly takes on the role of Household CEO. 

As described here, this dynamic can lead to spirals of abandonment and guilt. When a partner feels criticized for not doing his fair share, he may feel shame and withdraw even more from the partnership. This results in increased feelings of abandonment for the partner who feels forgotten or neglected, which makes them hang on a little tighter. Her abandonment wound will further trigger his shame wound, creating a vicious cycle. Watch coach Brandilyn Tebo explain this cycle further.

This cycle can happen with any marital challenge, but is likely to surface when there’s gender inequality at home.

3. DIMINISHED RELATIONSHIP STRENGTH AND SATISFACTION 

Perhaps the most serious impact upon men of gender inequality at home is the strength (or weakness) of their partnership. “When fathers behave like equal partners, both members of a couple say they are more satisfied with their relationship,” says Darcy Lockman in All the Rage. 

In fact, a male partner’s contribution to child care is THE MOST important factor predicting relationship conflict and mothers’ satisfaction. That’s pretty big, so read that one more time. 

We know that, after having their first child, both partners experience decreased marital satisfaction. Not surprising when you consider the major changes it brings to your lifestyle, including lack of sleep.  All is not lost, though. Greater fatherhood involvement predicts a smaller decline in both partners’ satisfaction levels. Both partners! Not just the mother’s. 

Marital satisfaction is especially important when you consider that women initiate divorce about 70% of the time. It’s even higher for college-educated women – about 90%. (Divorce Mag.) While infidelity is a leading factor in divorce (40%), some studies show that inequity in household chores accounted for 30% of marital breakups in the U.K. This was third in line, following behind “growing apart,” which accounted for 35%.

But there may be even more breakups attributed to gender inequality at home. Some couples were afraid to share the true reason of their separation because it didn’t seem serious enough. However, as many as 56% of couples said day-to-day domestic issues were a major factor when separating. (Indian Express.)

4. LOWERED ABILITY TO FULFILL THEIR TRUE POTENTIAL AS FATHERS

There are so many reasons why men sink into the role of secondary caregiver. Or an even smaller role – basically as an “assistant” to a female primary caregiver. Structural barriers (lack of caregiving policies and support in the workplace) and cultural forces (socialization and gender norms that prioritize breadwinning) actually discourage male caregiving. Those same norms elevate motherhood as the ultimate path to fulfillment for women and wield judgment and guilt as penalties for straying too far from expected roles.

So then, is it any wonder that, even in companies or countries that offer paid family and medical leave, men are reluctant to take it and risk appearing less committed to their jobs? Or too sensitive for wanting to be home? Research shows that fathers actually experience discrimination and mistreatment for taking time off for caregiving. If only we could place greater value on the link between paid leave and a dad’s increased involvement in the child’s life over their entire lifetime. And fathers who take paid leave say they are “more comfortable as active, responsible co-parents. (NPWF.)

(Watch this interview for a more in-depth discussion of the social causes.)

I’m proud to have what I describe as a very equitable partnership, and it has been that way since the beginning. When I watch my male partner attend not only to my child’s physical needs (doing her laundry, cooking meals, buying her sneakers, and giving her a bath) but also her emotional needs – nightmare wakeups, meltdowns, and supporting her through fears about school and monsters – I’m happy for both of them. If I tried to eschew societal judgment by making myself, as the mother, available and needed for every emotional crisis, both my partner and child would miss out on a powerful bond that will last their whole lives.

5. OUR FUTURE MEN (BOYS) LOSE OUT, TOO

These gendered expectations start young. Teen girls ages 15-17 spend almost twice the amount of time cooking, cleaning, and running errands as teen boys their age. What gives?

Traditional gendered expectations AND traditional gender roles influence children strongly. Children from families with traditional gender roles are more likely to have gender stereotypical expectations themselves. 

And this is why we need feminism. Feminism is for everyone because gender stereotypes are harmful to everyone. In case you’re new here, it’s time for a little homework: feminist parenting isn’t just for girls, toxic masculinity hurts boys, too, boys need female role models, and adults should avoid demonizing femininity. 

It’s no secret that the role models we see shape our goals and dreams for ourselves. Newly-elected Boston mayor Michelle Wu laughed as she recounted her young son asking after her election whether boys could be mayor, too. Presumably, he saw a field rich with women of color candidates for the first time and wondered whether that option was open to him. Adults giggled about his question, knowing that Boston had never elected a female mayor, never mind a woman of color, before. But it goes to show how impactful our role models are.

So if a little boy has a mother who does the lion’s share of housework, child care, and emotional support and a father who does very little, what might this little boy expect when he becomes an adult? Will he be as ready to fulfill his potential as a partner and a father? 

Let’s help our young boys aspire to be the complicated and fulfilled partners and parents we know they can be.

---

---