At a time when the term “mainsplaining” appears in the Merriam Webster dictionary and we continue to lament the lack of female leaders in the boardroom, it’s clear that something still isn’t working right.
Despite the rise of girl power in the ‘90’s and a proliferation of STEM activities designed for girls in the last decade or two, have we made much progress toward gender equity?
The problem, in no small part, lies with our distorted version of masculinity. Expectations for girls have evolved and grown (They can be Supreme Court justices! They can set records on the tennis court!) but our expectations for boys remain relatively stagnant. Parents, increasingly worried about bullying and exclusion, are mostly content to dress their boys in navy blue and forest green, support dinosaurs and football, and eschew anything too feminine.
“Frozen? Danny’s not interested… he says it’s for girls.”
“Hunter doesn’t seem to play with girls. He says they’re weird.”
These comments, spoken matter-of-factly by parents with sons under 6 years-old, sent me into a slight panic about the future of our men. Not because of these little boys’ attitudes, but because of their parents’ calm acceptance and unwillingness to challenge the stereotypes seeping into their children’s brains.
Can we redesign masculinity for the next generation of boys?
After all, if we’re not willing to infuse more empathy, compassion, kindness, and listening skills into our boys, our girls will bump up against the same challenges that women have: objectification, workplace discrimination, harassment, violence, and just plain disregard.
We need to commit to raise the next generation differently. Boys, especially.
There is a simple, but often-ignored, strategy that can have profound impacts: the media and influences with which we choose to surround our children. In Westernized countries, we are trained to see “white” and “male” as the default; therefore, those representations are almost viewed as neutral, as the baseline.
But the malleable brains of our young children need much more diverse representation – more ethnicities, genders, types of families, and abilities.
So parents, I beg you… give your sons female role models. Please.
“I don’t want girl stuff….“
Parents AND teachers assume that boys, even at a young age, are not interested in stories about girls and women. I’ve been guilty of this, too. Even as a feminist parent and gender equity expert, last year I shopped for gifts for boy and girl siblings having a joint birthday party, and chose one with a male lead for the boy (Green Pants), and one with a female lead for the girl (The Day You Begin). Both are inspiring books with excellent lessons, but why was this my initial choice?
Because we all have bias, that’s why. It’s okay to admit it, and frankly, that’s the only way we’ll ever conquer it.
Perhaps your sons have even verbalized that they’re not interested in girl stuff. That doesn’t mean they’re evil misogynists already. It just means that they’ve already internalized thousands of messages from adults, children, and strangers all around them that girls are inferior, bad, or yucky. Or at least that femininity is.
And it’s easy to let those messages go unchecked. After all, who is it really hurting? When you have a boy who conforms to gendered expectations, it’s tempting to let it go. Certainly, we pick our daily battles, and unconsciously, we think that “masculine” boys will probably fare better in the world and face fewer obstacles. As parents, we all just want our child’s life to be easy. Or at least, not too difficult.
But the easy path isn’t always the most rewarding. And it certainly doesn’t help us achieve gender equity; only the same-old-same-old gender roles we’re accustomed to.
Here’s why we need to do it differently.
Introduce your sons to female role models to help boys:
- Be more empathetic as teens and adults to girls’ feelings. When you read books in the first person, you are magically injected right in their brain. You can more deeply feel the character’s thoughts and emotions and put yourself in their shoes.
- Rely less on gender stereotypes. When children engage in mixed-gender play, they have more opportunities to try lots of different toys, styles, and imaginative play possibilities.
- Get used to women as leaders. When they learn about the accomplishments of under-recognized women throughout history, it shapes how they feel about the contributions of men and women over time. It can also help them to see girls their own age as leaders, too. Does this mean your sons won’t be leaders themselves? No, of course not. But we need them to get used to girls in positions of authority, too.
- Be more respectful to girls. When boys witness girls going on cool adventures too, and accomplishing “firsts,” they will value those experiences more, and develop increased respect. Try this book about girls taking adventures.
- Be more honest about who they are outside of restrictive masculinity. Perhaps they will feel less stigmatized about playing with kitchens or dolls or watching Frozen.
- Be better men. Isn’t this what all of us want? Teach your kids that masculinity driven by power, control, and money is not the only way to be a man. When your son sees characters with a more diverse set of skills and characteristics, he may be better equipped to embrace a range of emotions and become the man you want him to be.
It’s an honor to raise a boy – not because he could be President or provide you with financial support someday – but because YOU have the opportunity to mold and shape the way he sees the world.
It’s a huge responsibility. Raise a man you are proud of.
Be sure to check back soon for our recommendations for books and media featuring female role models that every child will love. To ensure you see those suggestions, sign up here to get our free mini e-book and be alerted of all Think or Blue posts:
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12 Ways to Raise Boys to be Good Humans
I currently have a 9 month old son, and I do not make him watch anything specific. We even watched beauty and the beast this week! It’s good to make sure our boys are not so closed minded.
This is so encouraging. I wouldn’t call myself a feminist necessarily, but the fact that male is often the default gender when considering heroes gets me going!
I know, the default gender really gets me going too! That’s why sometimes I question words like “she-ro” and girl boss because they assume girls aren’t already heroes and bosses. Hmm. I’m curious – what’s holding you back from calling yourself a feminist?
Yes! So much truth in this! Having female role models is important not only for girls, but boys as well! And vice versa. Girls need a strong male role model, too.
I think that the mother is the best role mother the boys will ever have. It’s a difficult responsibility, yes, but we are their first influence.
I really loved your viewpoint on this and masculinity!
Thanks Amber!
Thank you for writing this. I’m a mom of two boys and I think about this constantly. I try hard not to impose stereotypes on my sons but as you said above, we all have bias. Mine comes a lot in form of clothes. There are definitely items that look girly that I wouldn’t want my son to be dressed in. But I do try to incorporate all sorts of colors as possible. I let him explore and see what types of things he gravitates to. He definitely loves dinosaurs but also loves his play kitchen. He loved Frozen and his best friend is a girl. I do my best to limit any gender stereotypical talk but I’m sure it comes through sometimes.
Love a colorful wardrobe! And I’m glad your son has access to lots of different types of play. It’s really hard when the peer pressure sets in.
I think these are definitely positive steps we need to take to help our boys become the best men they can be. Supporting women, specifically those in their own lives like their wife and daughter, does not diminish their masculinity, but it enhances it and makes them a better man.
Yesssss to all of this! It gets under my skin when people assume my boy won’t want to do certain things because they’re associated with being female.
Absolutely! We should let him choose. So many assumptions are made.
LOVE this post, Catherine! I have two boys and we try our best to let them fully express themselves and guide them while they walk their own path.
I especially love this tip – “When your son sees characters with a more diverse set of skills and characteristics, he may be better equipped to embrace a range of emotions and become the man you want him to be.”
So many boys and men have been taught to suppress and hide certain feelings and emotions that it ends up causing less than desirable outcomes for them and their loved ones. If we teach them to embrace all of their emotions it will provide them with a more holistic development.
You are so right – I really hope we can do better with teaching boys to embrace all their emotions. Sounds like you’re already working on it with your own sons!