Holiday Guilt Detox for Feminist Parents

December is filled with so many contradictions, especially for parents. Especially for moms.

“Be sure to rest and take care of yourself.”

“But also… you have 597 more things to do this week to be considered a good mom.”

Which is it?

There’s so much shame, guilt, and fear of disappointing other people – especially our children.

When I see these emotions crop up – in your head and in mine – I want to smush them, just like the homemade cookie dough you feel like you should be rolling out right now.

So today’s message is a holiday guilt detox for feminist parents to ease the guilt that chirps in your brain as often as your Instagram notifications.

Are you ready? I invite you to let go of guilt for:

1. Not creating daily magical experiences for kids 

The #1 concern I hear from mothers at the end of the year is, “I feel guilty because I want the holidays to be magical for my kids, but I don’t have the energy.” This is a recent phenomenon – pretty sure my parents didn’t feel this pressure in the ‘80’s. 

Today, this pressure is elevated by Pinterest and social media, where you find tons of “inspiration” for how to create holiday magic. This inspiration (also known as the creation of additional invisible labor for parents) typically targets women and focuses on homemade items that require the privileges of time and money. These are not accessible or realistic for parents who work double shifts to make ends meet.

Take a moment and ask yourself: what felt magical when I was a kid? It probably wasn’t elaborate homemade crafts and manufactured glitter snow. It was probably the pure anticipation of a holiday, or walking through a fresh coat of snow. You can’t bottle up and package those experiences, so don’t try. It will be magical anyway. I promise.

2. Not playing with your kids every second that they’re home. 

We have so much parental guilt about playing with our kids. When they’re home, you feel like you have to entertain them with an endless supply of science experiments, cotton ball crafts, and ice skating trips. 

Consciously, you know that white space in your day to rest and have downtime is important for your mental health. But you so often forget to carve it out for your kids, thinking they’ll be bored if they’re not busy. 

But one of the best ways to create your own downtime is to allow your child to get bored sometimes and learn to occupy themselves. Sure, if you want to go ice skating, go for it! But what about the moments you want to read a book? That can and should be a possibility for you, even if your children are around. In fact, I purposely try to read in front of my child so that she observes me doing something for myself (not for her) – modeling self-care.

The connections between feminist parenting and independent play is real – read more about them here. To instill this value more deeply at home, check out our independent play mini-course called Immersive Play. Immersive Play will help you get your child to play on their own, for longer. Get it for 40% off until December 31, 2021 with code: DECEMBER40

3. Boundaries you set. People may not like them, but set them anyway.

It’s easy to set a boundary. “We will only do one family event this year.” Or “I will not discuss my body, weight, and dieting with anyone.”  Much harder to stick to it when your friends and family question it. Or when they ignore the boundary. 

I highly recommend this episode of the We Can Do Hard Things podcast with guest Brene Brown, on how you can set these boundaries ahead of time, with love, and hang on to them. This can be difficult, especially for adults who were socialized to be people-pleasers, but practice truly helps.

4. Taking pleasure in your food. 

In the past, I may have shared recycled messages about telling your kids that food is fuel. And it is; it helps them run and play. But it’s also a source of nourishment, pleasure, and joy. We often forget to let our children focus on the joy of food because diet culture taught us to feel guilty about food. 

You don’t NEED popcorn to give you energy while watching a movie, do you? No. But it’s fun. You don’t NEED hot cocoa or soup on a cold day for “fuel,” but it feels warm and cozy in your body. Repeat after me: it’s okay for food to be fun, nourishing, and yummy.  

Diet culture has robbed us of these simple pleasures. And its racist roots demonize foods from cultures all around the world. (Read Dr. Kera Nyemb-Diop for more on this.) Remember this holiday season that you don’t have to save up calories before a big meal or penalize yourself afterward. 

Easier said than done? Maybe. If you have a hard time letting go of this guilt, remind yourself that the only reason you feel guilty about the chocolate cream pie is because diet culture once told you it was wrong or bad. 

Related: why diet culture peaks at the holidays

5. Other people’s parenting choices. They’re not a judgment on yours. 

Comparison is the root of soooo much of our guilt. Because, when you see parents making choices different from yours, you worry. You become insecure. It’s not surprising why. New parents today learn that there is a right way and a wrong way to parent. Which, of course, isn’t true. Each of us is simply making the best decision we can for our individual family dynamics. 

The more you compare, the more likely you are to feel insecure about your own parenting choices. Instead of thinking “should I be doing that?” think to yourself, “I’m happy they’ve found something that works for their family.”

Related: How to avoid the comparison game

6. Standing up for your values imperfectly 

I won’t pretend I have all the answers for how to handle difficult conversations with family and friends. The reason is – there isn’t one single answer. Every situation may elicit a different response from you. 

If a family member or friend makes an offensive “joke” about an identity that belongs to you, you may feel unsafe or unwilling to address it in the moment. And that’s okay. 

If the comment is about a group you DON’T belong to, but care very much about, you may feel compelled to speak up. This is especially true when it’s a value you seek to teach your children, and little ears are listening. For example, I know I don’t want my child to see me shrug off a racist or homophobic joke. But that doesn’t mean I will confront it “perfectly” every time. Mostly because there’s no such thing as perfect, and mostly because every situation is unique. Know that, regardless of how you handle things in the moment, you always have the opportunity to go back and revisit the situation with your children later.

I am trying to follow Rachel Ricketts’ example in Do Better, in which she leads with what she calls “wise compassion.” Ricketts seems to describe this concept as caring deeply for oneself in order to show up to do the work and make meaningful change.

Practicing wise compassion and tending to our own heart spaces create connection with ourselves, our emotions, and the wounds that are a part of what prevents us from creating desperately needed personal and collective shifts.” 

– Rachel Ricketts

7. Ways that your partner is stepping up

Child care, house work, and the mental load still fall disproportionately on women’s shoulders. The invisible mental load is severely heightened this time of year, with women feeling pressure to stage the perfect family photo shoot, create homemade “spirit week” outfits for kids at school, and send gifts to teachers, family, etc. 

Women bear the brunt of this work for so many reasons:

• You’ve become the default social coordinator over the years 
• You feel guilty for asking their partner to do more
• You feel like you should just be grateful for what you have 
• Your partner has failed to step up in the past 
• You don’t think your partner will do a good enough job,

…. and so many others. When women who are the primary caregivers or default social coordinators begin to share this work more equally with their partners, guilt can set in. You start making excuses for why your partner shouldn’t have to do more, or why it just makes sense for you to do it. Or you worry about judgment from others who aren’t as thrilled by the gifts your partner chose.

For more on this, read our collection of articles about gender inequality at home.

Will you be able to do this holiday guilt detox?

The bottom line is: if you avoid Martha Stewart-level crafts and don’t have the energy to put together a fresh pine centerpiece, it’s okay. If you have the ability to take an afternoon off and read a book while your children play, do it, my friend. Take care of yourself and let the guilt go.

We’ll be that much stronger together in the new year to create meaningful social change!