How Grandparents Can Support Kids’ Positive Body Image

Part 2 of a two-part series about the role of grandparents in conscious parenting

Welcome back, grandparents! Today we will discuss ways that you can be a positive influence on your child’s body image. This is important for boys, girls, and grandchildren of any gender.

If you missed Part 1 of the grandparent series, go back and read this article first: 7 Ways Grandparents Can Challenge Gender Norms.

Now that you have learned the difference between gender and sex, ways to support creative play, and how to support their big emotions, let’s move on to a big topic: body image and body respect.

Studies show that family comments – both positive and negative – can have a long-term impact on children into adulthood and the way they feel about their bodies.

The 6 tips below are critical to help your grandchild develop self-esteem, bodily autonomy, and a positive sense of self.

Now, let’s dig in!

1. Focus on your grandchild’s traits, not their appearance.

Far and away, my discussions with parents over the past few weeks revealed this as their most important request. You might think this is silly; my grandchild is adorable, why can’t I tell her so?

There’s a good reason. Young girls receive WAY more comments from adults about how they look; much more so than boys. This teaches all children that the way girls look is really important, impacting their body image for life. It sets them up for a lifetime of judging themselves, evaluating other women, and comparing themselves to others.

Does this sound dramatic? Consider this:

• 81% of 10 year-old girls in the U.S. are afraid of being fat
• 6 out of 10 girls avoid participating in certain activities because of the way they look

So first, ask yourself why it’s so important for you to tell your granddaughter she looks pretty? Why do you want her to know she’s pretty? Is it just as important for your grandsons to know they look good? Why or why not?

Society has conditioned us to evaluate women’s appearances. Sadly, we’ve carried this down to young girls.

Tip: Be a rebel against our culture’s oppressive beauty standards for girls by complimenting your grandchildren for their qualities. How about kindness, patience, determination, generosity, sense of fairness, or diligence?

If you need conversation starters, especially for grandkids who you don’t see as often, try these instead: 9 Things to Say to Girls Instead of “You’re Pretty.”

2. Don’t Assume Romantic Interests for Young Children.

Most of the tips in this two-part series are “DOs” but here is a “DON’T” that is a favorite of sooooo many grandparents. We need to nix the jokes about romantic feelings between young children. When my daughter played with a young boy at the park, a nearby older gentleman laughed “oh, looks like you found a boyfriend, huh?”

Let kids be friends. Mixed gender friendships are incredibly healthy: read more here about how they help to overcome gender stereotypes and other benefits. If you poke fun at their friendships, the child will feel like there’s something wrong with it.

Also, jokes about boyfriends and girlfriends assumes that all kids will turn out to be heterosexual (that’s called being heteronormative.) That just isn’t the case. You want your grandchild to be comfortable enough to share with you their sexual orientation one day, or introduce you to their partner, right? 

3. Consider how you address your grandchild

How do you greet your grandchild when you see them? What tone of voice do you use?

All adults have unconscious bias with children and language, and cultural differences play a role. Studies find that parents speak more to girl babies, and use more emotional words with them, while they use fewer, and more spatially-based language with boys. After a girl gets hurt, parents are 4 times more likely to say “be careful!” to them afterward, robbing kids of their body intuition.

Anecdotally, many grandfathers and fathers tend to discipline boys a bit more harshly.

Tip: Think about what pet names you use with them: is it a confident “buddy” or “lad” with boys, and a more delicate, soft “sweetie” or honey” with girls? Do you expect granddaughters to sit for longer periods of time, and “behave” more respectfully in adult situations? Our awareness is the first step.

4. Speak respectfully about women (that includes yourself!)

Please speak respectfully about women and girls. Especially you, grandfathers! This means no jokes about women’s bodies – whether it’s to observe that waitress is overweight or that teacher has a great figure. Even if you THINK it’s a compliment, it teaches children early that women’s bodies are for consumption; to be observed and critiqued. This may lead to self-objectification and low self-esteem for girls in their adolescent and teen years, and a feeling of superiority and dominance by boys.

Second, please cut the diet talk! Several parents told me that the grandmothers in their children’s lives continue to chit chat about their desire to lose weight, their guilt about exercise, feeling naughty when they eat a doughnut, their wish to look young again, and to generally change their appearances.

Why is this important? Diet talk and negative self-talk normalize diet culture, a major barrier to self-confidence and self-compassion. Your voice is influential, and most parents don’t want their daughters growing up to obsess about their bodies.

Tip: To catch up, watch this video about 3 things you need to know about diet culture, and read 5 ways you can be kinder to your body this year.

Let’s come together to raise children who feel confident about themselves on the inside and out.

5. Respect their bodies and boundaries.

Sorry, but this means that grandkids don’t owe you hugs.

I know, you consider it a sign of respect and love to have a hug and a kiss when you greet and say goodbye to a child. In many cultures, this is expected.

But there’s a growing recognition that children’s bodily autonomy is critical to keep them safe. After all, Darkness to Light reports that 90% of children who are victims of sexual abuse know their abuser. And about 60% of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone the family trusts.

Suddenly, the “stranger danger” lessons seem a bit outdated.

Do you want your grandchild to think they OWE anyone physical displays of affection? If they can’t practice saying no to a grandparent whom they trust, how will they have the courage to say no to a friend or family member who crosses the line?

Tip: It is so important that you leave your ego at the door with this one, and take it as a sign of their matured independence, rather than a snub. They still love you; ask for a high five or fist bump instead.

Tip: If your grandchild asks for a tickle fight or roughhousing, go for it, but remember to stop as soon as they say no.

Related: 5 ways to teach young children about consent

6. Use proper body part names

This is a tough one for many generations. For a long time, we’ve given kids cutesy nicknames for their private parts, probably out of a concern that they’ll go around saying vulva and urethra in public.

That might be embarrassing for a brief moment, but it’s even more important that children understand the names of ALL of their body parts, just like shoulders, knees, and elbows. Why? If someone touches them inappropriately, children can identify and report exactly which body parts were touched. If you use “wee-wee” for your private parts AND for urine, it gets a little confusing.

A fringe benefit of proper body names is that they eliminate any shame children may feel about their bodies or their sexuality in the future. It’s okay for kids to learn about their bodies!

Tip: Check with your grandchild’s parents to find out what body parts they have learned so far, and follow their lead.  

---

Body image and body respect are complicated topics, sometimes without clear answers. But these six tips will help you channel your grandparent status to support children’s positive body image and self-love.

With your unique influence, your grandchildren will grow up to be even more confident of their individuality, and feel secure on the inside and out.

Thank you for joining this two-part grandparent series!

To download the handy infographic summarizing all 13 tips, join the Feminist Parenting Resource Library here: