Apologizing to your teen is one of those things many parents shy away from. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable! A parent is supposed to always have an answer, to be confident in their methods, and to make fewer mistakes than their kids… but parents aren’t perfect.

Sure, it can feel odd at first to admit to your teens when you make a parenting misstep, but doing so is actually incredibly beneficial for your relationship. Learn the fundamentals for apologizing to your teen, and why it should be an important part of your parenting philosophy.

5 Steps to Apologize to Your Teen

Here’s a step-by-step guide to craft the perfect apology to your teenager.

1. Pick the right timing

The first step in apologizing to your teen is to decide when to deliver your words. To make the biggest impact, find a time that you’re both open and not distracted. Shared down time, like traveling in the car together, or shared activities, like folding laundry together, are great opportunities to level with your teenager.

Consider choosing the time when your teen comes home from a night out. In our experience, teens often have their guards down when they finish socializing in the evening, especially if it’s late. You might make them a late-night snack and spend this quality time to offer your apology.

2. How to Say It

Tone is one of the most critical aspects of the apology. Do your best to be sincere in your apology. Even if it’s hard for you to come up with the right words, if you sound sarcastic or labored in your apology, your teen will notice and consider the apology insincere.

One way to show your sincerity is to admit that you’re not the expert on being a teenager; they are. Let them know that you’re trying your best, but you don’t always know the best way to handle new situations with your teen, and that you could use their ideas for the best strategy. It’s super effective to relate to your teen during an apology, so don’t be afraid to let them know that you make mistakes too. Everyone does.

3. Avoid these mistakes

When you deliver your apology, avoid a few red flags. On top of sounding sincere, you also want to make sure you don’t talk down to your teen. This is an opportunity to be vulnerable and relatable with your teenager, so it would be a shame to spoil it by sounding high and mighty.

A specific word to avoid is “but.” If you say, “I’m sorry, but… it’s your fault things got out of hand,” or “I’m sorry, but… I had to do what I thought was right,” you’ve totally diminished the quality of your apology. Avoid defending yourself by saying ‘but’ after you say ‘sorry.’

4. Practice

A lot of parents forget this critical, but simple step. Practice. Once you pick out a good time, decide what to say, and recognize what not to say, practice your apology in the mirror or in the car when you’re on your own. This can clear up any awkwardness, help you avoid words or phrases that convey the wrong intention, and give you more confidence when the time is right.

5. Finish on a Positive Note

The last step to apologize to your teen is to create a positive plan for the future. After admitting any wrongdoing on your part, you might consider asking your teen, “what can I do better?” or “how can we avoid this problem in the future?”

Having this type of conversation with your teen proves that you really care about making a difference. You’re not just offering kind words, admitting a mistake, and asking for forgiveness; you’re also trying to make an actionable change. Your teen will really appreciate this and it helps you end the conversation on a high note.

But Why Do I Even Need to Apologize?

You may worry that an apology will “discredit” you in the eyes of your teen, or negatively impact your authority. It might not seem like it on the surface, but an apology can actually make a positive impact in your relationship with your teen.

Role model humility

For starters, when you apologize to your teen, you model an important life-long skill. You show your teen that adults need to suck it up and apologize sometimes, even when it’s uncomfortable. Your apologies will inspire your teen to do the same in their own life, and they might even apologize to you more often in the future. Studies show that instilling core values like apologizing can reduce teen defiance in general.

Increase your teen’s honesty

By apologizing to your teen, you create spaces that center honesty. Admitting your mistakes might make your teen feel more comfortable about admitting their own bad choices or struggles in their personal life, such as their experience with underage drinking, even if they would rather keep such mistakes to themselves.

More relatable and accessible parents

By showing your teen that you aren’t perfect, your teen is able to relate to you better. This is important in the teen years as your child transitions quickly into an adult, and your relationship evolves into a more mature one. It’s great to let your teen know that nobody has the answer all of the time, and that it’s okay to make mistakes. If anything, this just makes you an even more accessible parent because your teen will feel less pressure to maintain an illusion that they never mess up.

Related: How to avoid the comparison game

Your teen feels heard

Finally, apologizing makes your teen feel heard. Many teens feel like they are alone, and that nobody really knows how they feel or what they’re going through. When you say sorry, you demonstrate that you understand and respect your teen’s feelings, and that you don’t want to be a parent who puts them down. This may lift your teen up and help them feel more comfortable to share their feelings with you.

See for Yourself

We strongly recommend that you look for an opportunity to apologize to your teen so you can see all of the positive effects on your teen’s development and your parent-child relationship. It’s definitely not easy, so take this guide to heart to figure out how to deliver your apology like a pro.

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Contributing guest author Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com, ghostwriter at WriteItGreat.com, and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

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