Your sweet neighbor pops by with a gift bag for you a few weeks before you’re about to pop.
You smile gratefully, gently remove the sky blue tissue paper to reveal a soft new bib for your impending little bundle of joy.
As you spot the lettering on the front, you try to keep smiling while you slowly cringe on the inside.
Is it? Does it really say…?
“Chick magnet.”
(Sigh.)
The baby hasn’t even arrived, and you already feel like you’re failing to block toxic masculinity from all sides. You’re determined to be a feminist parent and raise your child outside of strict gender norms, but you’re only 7 months along, and somehow it already feels impossible.
Don’t worry, it’s not too late!
Here are three options to avoid other people’s gender stereotypes when you’re pregnant.
Before we go any further, though, be sure that you know the difference between sex and gender. If that is still a little fuzzy for you, read this to be sure you understand.
Option 1: Don’t find out the sex of the baby
Play it like the Oscars and keep the Best Picture winner sealed up tight in the envelope.
This option isn’t for everyone, but is probably the most straightforward and secure. I mean, have those nerdy accountants ever leaked the Best Cinematography winner ahead of time? I don’t think so.
Simply put, it’s harder for people to smother your unborn child in pink or blue onesies when they have no idea what the sex is. They won’t have the chance to assume Daddy will take a young boy fishing or that Mommy will bring her daughter to dance class.
Personally, we didn’t find out the sex and here’s why. It also helped us focus on the necessities – the crib, the bottles, the nipple cream (good times) – before the optional stuff.
If this baby is your first child and you plan to have a baby shower, here’s a tip. People just cannot resist the adorable little baby clothes. It’s like trying not to gawk at Prince George’s adorable little cheeks. (Oh wait, I just realized he’s like 7.)
Anyway, baby clothes are undoubtedly cute. But overwhelmingly, people will shop in stores that have a “Boys” and a “Girls” section, resulting in mostly stereotyped options, like hearts and rainbows for girls and trucks and dinosaurs for boys. Even most online stores will encourage you to search by gender.
Bonus? If you don’t find out the sex, your close friends and family will have to opt for more neutral options and the stuff you really need.
If this sounds like you, be sure to download our free Gender Surprise Handbook.
Option 2: Keep the sex of the baby a secret
No judgments if you find out the sex. There are so many reasons – perhaps unknown factors that are “knowable” give you anxiety, and who the heck needs more anxiety during pregnancy? Maybe you’ve faced pregnancy loss, infertility, a traumatic birth, or you already have four kids and don’t need another surprise. (No offense, kid #5.)
If that’s the case, option #2 is to find out the sex and keep it to yourself. This works best with nosy strangers who are easy to brush off. “What are you having?” “Oh, we’ll all find out soon enough. Have a good day!”
Harder, though, to tell family and friends that you know what the baby’s sex is but it’s a secret. They may be insulted. They may demand answers, like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.
Friend: Do you know what you’re having?
You: Well, the ultrasound photo looked a little like an alien, sooo we’ll see.
Friend: No, I mean, do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?
You: We don’t care that much about the baby’s genitals; we’re just hoping everything goes smoothly!
Friend: Come on.. you’re not finding out?
You: Uhhh….
Friend:
Yeah so these conversations can get a little awkward. If you’re good at lying through your teeth and pretending you don’t know, go for it! But if you have trouble not ‘fessing up to your 8 closest cousins and 3 best friends, it might not work so well.
Option 3: Put people on notice
Put people on notice of your intended parenting style. On notice? I know, forgive my legalese here, but it’s the best way to say it. (Plus, my mom will be happy to see that I’m still using my law degree.)
No one dared to buy my baby a New York Yankees onesie. Why, you ask? Well, everyone knows my husband is a devoted, lifelong Boston Red Sox fan.
And how do they know? Because he’s put people on notice. (He’s a laywer, too.)
But more importantly, he wears faded Red Sox caps, retweets Jerry Remy, tells everyone about the crushing moment of his 8 year-old life when the ball went through Buckner’s legs, and chatted at summer cookouts about Ortiz’s batting average.
(Stay with me if you’re not a sports fan – I’m not either; I just fudged my way through that whole paragraph.)
Similarly, when I gave birth to a girl, no one bought her a “Daddy’s Little Princess” bib because I had put everyone on notice. People who know me well know that, just as my husband is a lifelong Red Sox fan, I am a devoted fan of gender equity, lover of patriarchy-smashing, and proponent of unique and wacky kids who get to be who they are.
So, are you ready? If you’re expecting and you want to avoid gender stereotypes in the womb, put people on notice! A few ideas:
- Share articles on social media that extol the dangers of pink and blue color-coding, (or email them to family and friends who avoid Facebook);
- Chat with your partner about this cool website that helps adults raise children free from gender stereotypes (wink wink);
- Send your parents and your in-laws these tips about how grandparents can help challenge gender norms;
- Put a Smash the Patriarchy sticker on your car or laptop;
- Invite your in-the-know friends to join you in Feminist Parents Unite so you can build your community even greater.
- Read up on how to navigate these awkward conversations if it makes you nervous to sound confrontational in certain crowds.
While Option #3 undoubtedly requires the most effort, it’s also the most rewarding and successful.
___
Which option will you choose?
No matter which one you try, you can be sure you won’t have to face a “Boys Will Be Boys” shirt for your child.
Or a Yankees one.
I’m not sure which one is worse.
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