The “third shift” of motherhood is increasingly documented. After a full day of work (the first shift) and a second shift where she completes the majority of household chores and child care, the third shift happens.
It’s filled with the ongoing mental to-do list: which child needs a check-up and when; how many rolls of toilet paper are left; whether it’s time to potty train your toddler; what gift to buy for teachers. The list is endless and is often accompanied by ruminating and research, making the day’s load endless.
So how do we begin to even the motherhood mental load?
Let me start by telling a tale.
The Story of the Chain Letter
I stood in the kitchen, waved a piece of mail in front of my husband’s face, and yelled.
“Did you see this?” I shouted.
He looked at me confused.
“Read it,” I instructed.
As his eyes scanned the page, I could tell he didn’t quite see the problem, so I explained.
It was a chain letter book activity addressed to my daughter from a classmate. Each kid was supposed to send a children’s book to the names on the letter, and then send the letter to 4-5 other kids.
Right off the bat, I was pissed. And he didn’t really know why.
The way I saw it, I had two options:
1 – Continue the chain letter, and send it to a few of my very busy friends juggling all the things basically adding more sh$t to their plates, which I didn’t have the heart (or energy) to do.
Or….
2 – I could follow the “cop-out” directions, which said something like, “Just tell your mom if you’re not able to participate and we’ll send it along to someone else!”
This was not a great option either. It still required work, energy, and some sort of faux-apology that I didn’t feel I owed.
PLUS…. why did it say “mom” on the top?
Why did my kid have to tell her MOM that she couldn’t do it?
So there I stood. Yelling in the kitchen to my husband, who was still a little perplexed.
“This is more mental and emotional work for women, so I’m not choosing! I’m not dealing with this. You can deal with it if you want, but I’m not,” I said.
Related: Gender inequality at home hurts men, too
Make the invisible work visible.
So I chose option #3: leave it up to DAD.
After I calmed down a bit, I shared more with my husband about why the chain letter had irked me so much.
It sounds small, but that’s a really important step to start to unravel the mental load that so many women carry disproportionately.
Just talking about it.
Bringing awareness to the problem…. making the invisible visible.
Because our male partners can’t always see it clearly.
And it’s not only something that stay-at-home moms feel deeply. In fact, 86% of moms who work outside the home report carrying more than their share of the mental load. And 52% say that they’re burned out from the weight of it. (Slate.)
It’s not surprising that they feel burned out. It may also include mom brain, lack of personal fulfillment, fear of abandonment, and other impacts documented here.
Sure, I could have gone with option #4 and just tossed it in the recycle bin. But then we would have missed out on a valuable opportunity to make the invisible work visible. It’s just one measly chain letter, but when you add it all up, it’s a lot.
Gender Inequality at Home
Brandilyn Tebo interviewed me this week about this very problem: all of the domestic responsibilities (including the mental and emotional loads) that still fall disproportionately on women’s shoulders.
And yes, as Brandilyn pointed out, making the invisible visible is another form of work. It sure is.
But I truly believe that it’s worth the effort if you really want to have a partnership where you don’t feel annoyed that your partner’s mind seems less cluttered than yours, resentful that your partner rarely thinks to pack the kids’ bag for day trips (or what’s supposed to go in it), or where you keep praying for a mind-reader to just KNOW all the stuff floating around in your head.
As one parent in our Facebook community put it:
If you don’t want to be feeling like this for all of November and December, you don’t have to. There are still a couple of days to register for my workshop, Bust Holiday Overwhelm, happening on Tuesday, November 9. It’s free and interactive, and I’d love to see you there!
Get all the details and sign up here.
Transcript Guide for “Gender Inequality in Household Chores and Work-Family Conflict”
This interview is chock full of good information, but if you can’t spend the full hour listening in, there’s a transcript guide below so you can skip the parts that really pique your interest.
4:46: the prevalence of the problem: gender inequality in the household
8:30: Structural causes of the problem: what’s going on in the U.S.?
9:30: The gender biases that are hurting us, from childhood to adulthood. What we’re afraid to recognize about breadwinning and flexibility.
14:11: Does household stuff just matter more to women?
15:05: How fear of judgment and guilt impact our parenting decisions
19:45: Why delegating tasks to your partner isn’t good enough
23:04: How are women fitting it all in? (Hint: we’re cutting back on self-care and hobbies.)
25:35: Are these problems due to socialization? Do women feel they’re responsible for those around us? The ways that boys are losing out.
29:30: What happens at the end of heterosexual relationships
31:00: The third shift, and how it’s harder for Black women
33:50: What do you do when your spouse accuses you of putting extra stress on yourself?
39: Do women naturally do a better job at household work, child care, and the mental load? “Maternal gatekeeping” and control.
50:40: This is one of the top 3 issues that impacts our marital satisfaction.
52:00: We know the impacts on women. What are the impacts on men?
Watch the full interview here.
I help frazzled moms create a more equitable partnership so they can stop nagging their families and invest more time in themselves. Contact me if you’d like to learn more about coaching.
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