Are Bribes So Bad? How to Motivate Your Child Internally

Have you ever made a little promise to your kids to help them get dressed, get to school on time, or get their homework done? Sometimes a little bribery can go a long way, and it gets us busy and frazzled parents the result we need.

But are there any long-term drawbacks to the trades we make with our kids?

Today we’ll discuss children’s intrinsic motivation (or internal), why it’s important, and how you can foster it at any age.

IS IT BRIBERY?

About a year ago, we began to help my child learn to use the bathroom, after waiting a very long time for her to initiate the process. It seemed that she was developmentally ready, but simply refused to do it. So we wanted to jumpstart the process. Every time she successfully used the toilet or potty, we gave her 1-2 M&Ms and danced to “Celebrate” by Kool & the Gang in our kitchen. Each time, it was a fun little party. (Bet you can’t get that song out of your head now.)

To be honest, even though every potty-training article advises this process, I was very hesitant because it felt like bribery, and we’d already decided that wasn’t going to be our go-to parenting tool. But it was a short-term project.  We could wean her off of this fairly easily, right?

The process was successful and she learned to notice her body’s signals pretty quickly.

The M&Ms and dance parties faded out, as I’d hoped. 

Then something weird happened. After more than a year of using the toilet, just a couple weeks ago she asked for a few M&Ms after peeing.  Uh… what? We stopped doing that a year ago!  I don’t regret the process we used, but the potential long-lasting effects of bribery, or external motivation, are pretty staggering.

GROWTH MINDSET AND INTERNAL MOTIVATION

You’ve heard some buzzwords about growth mindset and internal motivation, but what does that really mean?

You’ve also heard some parenting websites tell you not to praise your kids too often. And you wonder, what’s the problem? Isn’t that how I boost their confidence?

Not exactly.  There are better ways to increase your child’s confidence so that they can motivate on their own to reach a goal. Let’s transform your typical praise to help your child compete against themselves, instead of against everyone else.

This is Part 2 in a 2-part series about how to nurture your child’s authenticity. Go here to read Part 1, which is also available on video.

WHAT IS EXTRINSIC MOTIVATION?

External motivation (which is also called extrinsic motivation) is the use of a reward as a motivational tool to help someone reach a goal or milestone, or influence their behavior.

That reward could be almost anything: money, candy, toys, food, screen time, and even praise.

Our “potty training dance parties” are a good example.

Is it bribery? Maybe. Many parents believe their kids need something “IN IT” for them in order to do what we want them to do.

Is that true?

ADULTS HAVE INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL MOTIVATION, TOO

Say a project at work needed attention and you had no desire to do it, but you knew it would “look good” for you if you volunteered for it, or did a great job.  Perhaps it would make your boss happy, or make you eligible for an award or promotion.

But it wouldn’t help you grow.

In a slightly different situation, you might have been motivated to do an alternate project to learn a new database, get to know a certain colleague better, or improve your project management skills. These are internal motivators.

See the difference in those two scenarios? One will secure accolades while the other will grow your personal development.

It’s the same for our kids.

LONG TERM EFFECTS OF REWARDS AND PRAISE

Let’s be honest… there ARE some benefits to parenting with extrinsic motivation. You get your child to cooperate with you. 

“If you get in the car, I will give you Goldfish crackers.” Benefits? Kid got in the car. You got to school and work on time.  Immediate, short-term benefits.  

I get it; no judgments here. Sometimes you need to get to work on time, and you can’t wait around. 

But there also may be long-term consequences. There was this study done where children used felt-tip pens and some kids were praised lavishly after, and some weren’t. The ones who got lots of praise actually lost interest in the pens, but the kids who didn’t receive praise kept playing with them. Fascinating, right?

I also believe too many rewards OR too many punishments can create child who’s a bit self-centered. (Eeek!)  Rewards and punishments may cause children to think a lot about what they GET or DON’T GET, rather than how it impacts them, their family, and their community.

3 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CHILD’S INTRINSIC MOTIVATION

If you would prefer a child who focuses on growth, not privileges, use these three tips:

1. Focus on the process, not the outcome

This means you play the part of Captain Obvious. Instead of saying “great job!” after they get their jacket on, you can say “you zipped up the zipper all by yourself!” Focus on each sliver of the process, because it can take a child a while to master the whole thing.

2. Make room for the possibility of mistakes and failure

In the last video, I discussed increasing our tolerance for failure. We have to accept everyday setbacks as COMPLETELY normal – an attitude that small failures are completely expected in your child’s life AND IN YOUR OWN.  So that when your kid yells “I can’t do thisssss!!” you say “I wonder what you’ll try next?” And when they yell “HELLLLLPPPPPP!!” You say “show me what you’ve done so far” instead of jumping in to save the day.

Related: How to quit the comparison game

3. Help them connect to the broader reason for the task

Admittedly, modern parents get a bad rap for explaining every little thing to our kids. However, adults often don’t give children enough credit to understand and value our underlying reasons.

It’s easier to say “if you bring your dish to the sink, you can have dessert.” Much harder when your kid refuses bring their dish to the sink and you don’t offer a reward. This actually happened in our house, and instead of using a reward or a punishment, I explained to her that our family is a team and we all help out.  This was infinitely more powerful.  She (usually) WANTS to be part of the team, part of the family, so that may work better in the long-term than to offer her a candy bar at every cleanup.

Try these three tips to help you cut back on the number of candy bars and the minutes of screen time promised!

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As mentioned, this is an excerpt from our 5 Day Reboot to Raising Confident Girls. In that mini e-course, we discuss how influential external motivators can be, maybe even more so as your child ages: the number of goals scored, the grades earned, the colleges to which they’re accepted. But these are the exact forces causing anxiety, fear of rejection, and overwhelm for our kids.

If you’re the kind of parent who cares a great deal about status, awards, and accolades, this mini-course is probably not for you. But if you prefer that your child derive accomplishment based on their personal growth and development, this IS right for you!

To put these tips into practice, when you sign up for the 5 Day Reboot, you’ll have the chance to grab our Workbook, which has two worksheets on Internal Motivation that you can chart out at home.

Go to www.thinkorblue.com/5DayReboot for more info.