How to Nurture Your Child’s Authenticity

We hear a lot of talk lately about our “authentic selves.” For many people, it feels a little too hippie-meditation-woo-woo.

But authenticity is a concept that helps keep us grounded to our values.

When you raise children, you get worried that they will follow the crowd, or become people-pleasers. All the while, you just want to give them the confidence to be themselves, and stand up to any criticism.

So how can you help your child embrace their individuality and authenticity? Today, in Part 1 of a two-part series, we will discuss several strategies to nurture your child’s authenticity and raise children who feel free to be themselves.

Sometimes we follow the crowd

Sure, I did my share of following the crowd. I wore fluorescent oversize tees and scrunchies, with layered tube socks, and listened to New Kids on the Block and Whitney Houston. Not exactly original in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. (Interestingly, not all that different from the VSCO girl persona that is having its moment right now.)

By college, I did not jump for Ugg boots and a Kate Spade bag like every other girl in my dorm, and instead joined the mock trial team – not necessarily a cool choice! There were many ways I did conform to the crowd, so a mini act of resistance felt like a victory.

But embracing your individuality is a life-long process. As children and teens, “fitting in” can feel dramatically important. No one wants to be the butt of jokes. But not all of us are meant to be cookie-cutter copies of the mainstream. Sometimes “fitting in” is a safety device, rather than an expression of who you truly are.

And that’s okay. Trying on different looks and personas is all part of the long journey to feeling comfortable as who we really are.

RAISE AUTHENTIC CHILDREN

How can you help your child be the wonderful person they are, and continually resist peer pressure to go with the crowd?

Try these three strategies, and be sure to check back next week for another deep-dive strategy about internal motivation for Part 2.

1. Choose authenticity over pleasantness

Any recovering people-pleasers out there?

Perhaps you never want to say “no” for fear of disappointing others. Or you do everything that is expected of you, culturally and socially, to avoid judgment. And risks seem especially daunting, because what would people think if you failed?

Women and girls especially feel pressure to be people-pleasers, in part because we’re taught to value others’ opinions of us. In addition, adults are more likely to let boys take risks, be vocal, and break the rules, whereas we expect girls to mind their manners, respect authority, and follow the rules.  

Many expect boys to be louder and more disruptive in class and on the playground, a notion often reinforced by parents and teachers who carry a “boys will be boys” attitude.

Read more: 20 ways teachers can reduce gender bias in schools

When we choose pleasantness – or making people feel comfortable – we often sacrifice our own dreams and values.

For this reason, try to omit “be nice” from your repertoire of parenting or teaching fall-back phrases. First, it feels so bland… blah… boring. What IS “nice,” truly? It usually means:

• “don’t be brash,”
• “don’t be bold,” or
• “behave properly”

It carries tinges of petticoats and crossed ankles – a bit outdated for the type of girls we want to raise today.

2. Toss perfection aside.

After the 1 or 2 times someone has sweetly called me “Superwoman,” I shot it down quickly (after thanking them, of course, because I’m nice and polite. Kidding.) But seriously, no one is Superwoman, and if I’m doing something really well right now, chances are there are four other things I’ve neglected. Remember how I wasn’t quite prepared for my daughter’s first day of school? Or when I didn’t know what diapers my child used?

The do-it-all mom persona so prevalent on Instagram trickles down to our girls. They’re supposed to be everything today. Smart AND fun. Athletic AND pretty. Straight A’s AND a flourishing social life.

It’s too much pressure. No single person can fulfill all these roles at once.

• Instead, try to prioritize instead of perfect.

At any one moment, we can prioritize 2-3 things in our lives that will take center stage. Perhaps right now it’s work and your marriage. Maybe next year it’s your children, your health, and your business. When you set and solidify your priorities, it’s easier to say no to other things, and to remind yourself that you can’t focus on 50 things at once. So it’s okay that your kitchen isn’t Pinterest-worthy or that your boots are so-last-season.

• Share some struggles with your child

When my child gets a bit older, I’ll share that I only got into one law school (and one waitlist) out of the seven I applied to. I’ll tell her how I dropped AP Biology because it was just too damn hard for me, and not a good fit.

For now, I share with my 4 year-old the challenges with which she can identify. For example, I share if I forgot my lunch at home and how that will impact the rest of my day. Certainly, this is a setback most adults can handle, but if I detail why I was forgetful and how I’ll solve the problem, she sees me solve a problem that I created, and take ownership of the solutions.

• Increase your tolerance for failure

Are you petrified that you won’t get that job? No one will buy your handcrafted wreaths? No one will show up to your fundraiser? It’s okay to be scared, but if that fear keeps you from moving forward, then you will never take a chance and never accomplish that oh-so-hard thing! Brooke Castillo has an incredible podcast episode about this and says we must learn to fail and expect to have a hundred tiny failures before we reach “the thing” or the dream.

(TW: there’s some diet talk on her website and podcasts, so avoid if this will trigger you.)

3. Like yourself first

The best way to teach through parenting is to model that same behavior to which we aspire. We cannot preach what we don’t practice.

When my child asked “do you think Miss Abby will like my shirt today?” I reminded her that it was most important that SHE like her own shirt. Other people’s opinions of us cannot help to build or shatter our own opinions of ourselves.

For some people-pleasers, it’s sooooo hard when we know someone doesn’t like us. You might question why. I was nothing but nice to them; what reason do they have not to like me?

But with every year that passes, try to remember – if you don’t hit it off with someone, perhaps it’s because you feel even closer to your values and you’re not willing to give them up. Score! I heard an online marketer once say they celebrate every time someone unsubscribes from their email list, because they want to either attract or repel people. That’s how you know your message is working.

Similarly, anyone who thinks sexism and gender stereotypes are fake news probably won’t want to hang out here for long. That’s fine! But those topics are an important piece of myself that I’m no longer willing to exclude from my everyday conversations just because it might offend someone or make them uncomfortable.

Certainly, compassion and openness to new ideas are critical to form new relationships, and a positive way to approach conversations. But can you decide to believe (right now) that a failing-to-gel relationship is actually a GOOD sign that you’ve committed to your values and recognize who you are?

Let’s do a quick exercise:

Grab a pen and paper, or the Notes section of your phone. When was the last time an acquaintance or colleague didn’t really like you? Jot down: why did it bother you? What are the feelings that arose? Did it bug you?

Now write down a time that someone didn’t like you and it actually didn’t bother you at all! Has that circumstance actually happened yet? What barriers stand in the way of reaching that feeling? (In other words, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you knew for sure that person didn’t like you?)

Certainly, we all strive for a workplace or a community that feels comforting and friendly. But not when you have to sacrifice your values.  

Finally, make a note of when your child witnessed you stand up for your values and principles. Has it happened yet? How might you model this for your kids?

I hope you enjoyed these three strategies to nurture your child’s authenticity. Please check back soon for Part 2! These tools are just a few of those shared in the 5 Day Reboot to Raising Confident Girls. To join that free mini e-course, head here.