Girls & Anger: How to Support an Angry Child

“That’s not very nice.”

Have you ever heard these words spoken to a child?

If you’re a parent or caregiver, you’ve probably uttered them more than once. These words pop into our heads first when our children do something that feels a little bratty or aggressive.

But, let’s be honest. Who probably hears this phrase the most? I’d wager it’s girls.

After all, we expect girls to be “nice,” don’t we?

Rather than expecting “nice” and “polite,” we parents need to accept girls’ anger and support them to channel it in a healthy way. Read on for practical tips to parent an angry child.

“Be Nice” is Not Nice

“Nice” might be my least favorite instruction to a girl. Not only is it a bland and meaningless word – do you want her to sit still? Be respectful? Stop grabbing things out of her baby brother’s hands? Let’s get more specific; kids need more explicit guidance.

It’s also sexist. There, I said it.

We have this idea that girls behave better than boys do. Gender stereotypes help to fuel and solidify this idea. Traditional norms tell us that boys are rambunctious, love to run around, create a mess, and get dirty, while girls play with dolls “nicely” – quietly, calmly, and without conflict.

In fact, so-called funny videos about this topic go viral for no apparent reason. You may remember my response to this ridiculous video about Girl Mom and Boy Moms, and the supposed differences in their lives. It still drives me nuts. It’s worth noting that this is one of the most-read pieces on Think or Blue.

Black girls are held to an even higher standard – studies show that adults consider black girls to be more mature and less needing of nurturing. This results in discrepancies in discipline, especially in schools.

How our gender bias impacts caregiving

Our deeply ingrained gender beliefs help to shape children’s attitudes and behaviors.

Recently, I heard a grandmother about to embark on regular caregiving for her 2 year-old grandson. She worried. The grandmother didn’t have any brothers or sons, so what, she asked, did she know about raising boys? As my husband said, “there’s not much difference at that age.” But her concern was whether to basically let him run wild or try to tame him. After all, she figured, boys are physical… why try to temper it?

If this child was a girl, the grandmother would probably expect much more behavioral cooperation, and convey those expectations to the girl.

Kids hear these gendered expectations loud and clear at a young age.

Girls fear confrontation

When we expect girls to be “nice,” they lose out. Girls learn early and loudly that confrontation is bad, scary, and should be avoided at all costs. They worry that speaking their mind and sharing their feelings will label them as bitchy or mean. As I read in Rachel Simmons’ Odd Girl Out, this fear and avoidance has negative impacts on girls as they reach adolescence.

We all need to confront people once in a while. Confrontation is a useful skill, and it’s one that we need in all facets of our lives – relationships, marriage, colleagues, supervisors, and simple navigations of the everyday world.

In fact, when we DON’T discuss an issue in a relationship, the problem festers and we often get more anxious.

Let’s stop being so scared of the feelings

Parents and caregivers are very fearful of children’s emotions in general.

“You’re fine.”

“It’s okay.”

“You’re not hurt. It was a little bump.”

I’ve written about how we try to assure children that they’re fine, especially boys when they are sad or hurt, and the impact. Read more: Why saying “you’re okay” to boys is harmful.

We need to let children feel their feelings. Why?

1) It helps them identify a wide range of emotions, and gain emotional intelligence;

2) It helps them to acknowledge their own feelings;

3) They begin to identify others’ feelings and develop empathy;

4) They learn techniques for coping and self-regulation;

5) They learn that the emotion will eventually pass or wane, and that they’ll survive.

The last one is perhaps most important. When we rush to “cover-up” or push down an emotion, kids are robbed of the experience of working through an emotion, and knowing they’ll come out the other side okay.

Why is anger good for girls?

In Part 1 of this series, I listed reasons that anger be can be beneficial. It helps us find purpose, rally our communities to make positive change, propel us to action in the face of injustice, get pissed off enough to work toward progress.

8 tips for parents to support an angry child:

Certainly, anger is not the easiest emotion in toddlers, children, OR teens. Over the last couple of years, my preschooler has expressed her anger in many ways. Here are tips to address it:

(Every child is different, and behavioral or developmental disorders may magnify this behavior or require different solutions. Please do consult a medical or mental health professional.)

1. Acknowledge the emotion or ask them to identify it.

Before my child was quite as verbal, I would help her identify the emotion when it seemed she was angry. “You seem really mad that playtime is over. You weren’t ready to stop play before nap.”

As she aged and matured, she sometimes does not want me to put words in her mouth anymore, understandably. Try to ask your child to share her own emotions instead. You could also try using pre-drawn visuals (especially for less verbal children) or ask them to draw how they are feeling.

2. **Identify your own emotions regularly**.

Happy, sad and mad are the easiest for children to identify, right? But what about emotions like jealousy, disappointment, fear, or anxiety? Those can be harder to understand. So try to share with your kids how you’re feeling, in an age appropriate way. For example, when my kid is snuggled into bed and looking cozy, I tell her with a smile, “I’m jealous! I wish I could be you right now!” To which she says, “Mommy you can’t be me!” And we have a little laugh.

The other day, a medical professional cancelled on me after I had sat in the waiting room for 40 minutes. I was in pain, and really needed to see someone, but they turned me away because of a double-booking mistake. When I got home, I couldn’t hide my emotions. And as parents, we shouldn’t always have to. (To a reasonable extent, of course – don’t go home after work and rant about what an a**hole your boss is!) I told her, “I’m really frustrated right now, honey, I had to wait for a long time and then couldn’t get into the doctor.” She was able to witness my challenging emotions (completely unrelated to her) and observe me work through it.

3. Don’t take it personally

Believe me, I know how hard this is. I struggle with this DAILY. When your child lashes out at you, it’s easy to take it personally and think that your child is “pushing your buttons” or “giving you a hard time.” When really, it’s the child who is having a hard time accepting a limit.

Try to remember, during calm moments, that your child is still developing and lacks your emotional maturity. They may be facing a momentous life change, such as puberty.

Attempt to reframe the situation. If your child exhibits anger and aggression with you, they probably feel safe and loved doing so. They know you are a sturdy and dependable home base who will love them unconditionally.

4. Use books

Books are an excellent teaching tool. Check out The Feelings Book by Todd Parr – it mixes serious with silly, in a way that focuses on facial recognition skills.

If your child exhibits behaviors like hitting, kicking, or biting, try “Hands are Not for Hitting,”

It first gives positive ideas for what you CAN do with your hands: say hello, wave, shake hands, draw, and write words, help, and take care of your body. The book discusses why people hit: maybe you’re sad, jealous, angry, etc. This helps girls know that they are ALLOWED to be angry.

The book provides constructive ideas to regulate and express the emotions. Then it returns to positivity and all the wonderful things you can do with hands, like count, play and clap.

5. Practice coping skills when kids are happy

I love “Hands are Not for Hitting” because it gives tangible exercises for kids to try when they are angry. You can jump up and down, squish some clay, write about it, or my favorite: push against a wall. Practice these activities when your child is happy and content; well before any emotional meltdown.

A few others we like: deep breathe, squeeze your hands really tight together (this works well in the car), yell into a pillow (Mommy likes to join in this one, which usually makes kiddo laugh), squeeze a pillow hard, or take one pillow from the couch to throw on the floor (this one makes all of us laugh for some reason).

Some people suggest punching a pillow, but my child doesn’t really know the movement of a punch, so I sure as heck am not going to teach it to her right now!

6. Practice your own responses to children’s anger:

The coping skills from #5 are best used when the anger hasn’t yet escalated to full-blown meltdown level. There are certainly times I suggest these coping activities to my child and she refuses all of them.

So get clear on how you will handle your own emotional triggers in the moment. Anger and aggressive behaviors can be triggering for caregivers, for a variety of reasons.

I had to develop a few mantras for when my child began to hit. “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit me.” This phrase from Janet Lansbury justifies and condones the emotion without accepting the behavior.

“Hitting hurts my body, and hitting hurts my feelings.” Practice saying this calmly and matter-of-factly. I’ve heard parents on Facebook groups pretend that they’re actually injured and pretend-cry in order to rouse some empathy in their kids, but it can be too overwhelming for a child to feel THAT responsible for their parent’s emotions and well-being.

As your child matures, experiment with phrasing the limits more positively to acknowledge their emotional development. “I know you can use gentle hands with me right now. Show me how you use gentle hands and feet.” This has worked well for us lately.

*A note on punishments: I don’t find that punishments are effective. Taking away a toy, yelling, or imposing isolation doesn’t work for my child. In fact, it really just seems to teach that whoever is bigger and more powerful will “win.” Plus, with many children, especially highly-sensitive kids, abandonment or isolation during big emotions often intensifies their big feelings.

However….

7. Take care of yourself, too

When you feel triggered by the aggressive behaviors, remind yourself that the behavior is a symptom of the feeling – anger, exhaustion, or maybe even feeling disconnected.

If at all possible, I try to stay with my child during the worst, because she usually melts into my arms at the end, needing a hug and love. The tantrums are shortest when I’m able to stay in her proximity.

If, however, your child continues to hit you repeatedly, and all the tools in your toolbox are not working, calmly tell her that you need to leave the room in order to keep your body safe and that you’ll come back as soon as she’s ready to use gentle hands. This tends to result in a longer tantrum, but is sometimes necessary.

This modeling, I feel, is especially helpful for girls. I want my child to know that if anyone is not being respectful to her body that she can leave the situation immediately to keep herself safe.

8. Reassess your own coping mechanisms

What do your children see you do when you’re stressed? Reach for your phone? Some chocolate? Wine? The TV?

Those can all be effective band-aids. And sometimes when we’re bleeding, we NEED a band-aid. By all means, stop the bleeding, my friend! However, while those band-aids will temporarily stop the bleeding, they won’t heal the wound. We’re still left with unaddressed emotions.

Next time you’re stressed in the presence of your child, tell them you are going to sit for a moment and take a few deep breaths. Or just lay on the floor. I know, I know, you’re thinking when do I have time to meditate when I’m juggling kids and a million things? But you can breathe anywhere: in the car, at the dentist, on the floor of the playroom. Really anywhere.

Be prepared to breathe and ignore the “Mommy Mommy Mommy!!” pleas you’ll inevitably hear.

Share below: what other strategies work for you when you’re trying to support an angry child?