How to talk to kids about gender stereotypes

By the age of 6, girls begin to form a sad belief — that boys are more brilliant than girls.

Children learn stereotypes – about gender, race, body type – very early. Even by 18-24 months, children develop the ability to recognize and label stereotypical gender groups. (Mayo Clinic.) A lifetime of exposure to gender stereotypes can limit a child’s career aspirations, according to research.

And many current issues – pay inequity in the workplace, lack of child care, the undervaluation of careers such as teaching and nursing – can be linked to false notions about gender roles.

So parents must be ready to talk to kids about gender stereotypes early. But how? These tips will help you feel more confident as a parent to discuss bias, especially when it comes to gender stereotypes.

1. Don’t judge.

Whether your child heard Alex say that boys can’t play with princesses, or YOUR child perpetuated that stereotype, try not to judge. Even if you do your best to foster a gender inclusive home and use feminist parenting strategies, it may happen. Once babies and toddlers are exposed to child care, peers, teachers, babysitters, videos, and films, they are bound to internalize these pervasive messages.

Don’t get stuck on the details of who said what and when. Unless, of course, you believe there was more harmful behavior involved, such as bullying or racism that needs to be addressed.

2. Remember you haven’t failed as a parent

If you work hard to provide your child with diverse books, featuring female leads and children of color, you may be disappointed when you hear your child repeat a stereotype. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed! This is completely normal. As toddlers learn to categorize and sort, they may want to attempt to “sort” people, too. They want to understand the world and fit into it.

3. Use curiosity about gender stereotypes

Don’t say “that’s wrong!” immediately. Similar to our tip about how to respond to princess play, bring an attitude of curiosity to your child’s comment. Say, “oh?” and pause. Behold the wonder of a pause! This is when your child may unload the gems.

After you give them the opportunity to share more, try: “I wonder why Molly said that?” Pretend (in your mind) that this is the first time you’ve heard this stereotype.

4. Put your child in the driver’s seat

Continue your curious, if not slightly mystified approach with “What do YOU think about that?” This shows that you value your child’s opinion and that you’re open for a thoughtful conversation. Your child may say, “No way! Boys can like pink, too.”

But your child may not have mastered this concept or these words yet. They may shrug their shoulders and say “I don’t know” or “I guess so.”

If your child isn’t sure, pose a more specific question to them. “Well, do you think that our body parts should control what colors we like, or which toys we play with?” Most kids would say no or think that it’s “unfair” for some kids to be prohibited from playing with toys they enjoy.

5. Gently challenge the gender stereotype with a specific example

Remember, don’t challenge your child or the friend but the norm itself. But when you talk to kids about gender stereotypes, keep the conversation easygoing and lighthearted. After all, this isn’t a cross-examination in The Practice.

Think of a specific person or situation that both you and your child know that would provide a contrast to the gender stereotype.

Example #1: “Anna says that girls can’t like cars.” After you’ve paused and asked what they think about that, ask, “well, who drives Anna to school most days?” Child: “her mom.” You: “Yes, and Anna’s mom is a woman. And she drives a car. So do you think women and girls like cars too?”

Example #2: Boys can’t wear pink.  “Hmmm… well do you remember what your grandfather’s favorite sweaters is?” Child: “yes, he wears his pink sweater a lot!” You: “yes, Grandpa loves pink and he is a man.” Let it sink in a little. “So do you think that boys can wear pink, too?”

When children consider a familiar example that contradicts the stereotype, suddenly it clicks into place. It also gives them the tools to think analytically in the future.

If you can’t think of any real-life examples, remember the power of YouTube. My child recently asked if girls can play the drums. Plus, Molly said that girls can’t do the balance beam at school. I easily found videos of Kristina Schiano drumming and Nandi Bushell rocking out on several instruments, and of Gabby Douglas on the balance beam. Easy!

6. Follow up with a mantra

Remember to save this for the END. If you skip the middle, and run straight to “All colors are for everyone!” or “Kids can play with any toys they want!” or “All bodies are good bodies!” or “My skin color isn’t better than anyone else’s” or “We all deserve to be treated fairly!” – your child misses the analysis – the tough part.

Mantras are great, but are best used as a REMINDER after your child understands the concept and has had the chance to process it and ask questions. The messy middle thought process is the important part.

7. Be prepared to discuss the gender stereotype again

If bias conversations are new for your child, or your child is a “processor,” be ready to discuss it again. It’s okay if you feel like you’re having the same exact conversation again. It doesn’t mean you did a bad job the first time around! It simply means your child wants to analyze, process, and confirm these concepts.

Good luck! The more you point out stereotypes in the books they read, the videos they watch, and in real life, too, the easier it gets.

*Please note: this article mainly references boys and girls because those are the most frequently used categories to serve as the basis for gender stereotypes. However, gender is much more complicated than those two binaries, and we believe there are a wide range of identities a child may embrace, or not. Think or Blue respects and values transgender, non-binary, and gender creative children.

To recognize your OWN bias and remove stereotypes from your parenting, get the free guide here: