I Wish I Were a Unicorn: Interview with A.K. Neer

Have you ever wished YOU were a unicorn? Or perhaps your child has. They are all the rage, and A.K. Neer reminds us why.

There is a new Kickstarter campaign for “I Wish I Were a Unicorn,” a book featuring a child who wants to be a unicorn. In this author interview, you’ll find out more about how gender identity factors into this book, and how it deconstructs gender stereotypes.

It’s always awesome to meet other feminist parents, and I was delighted to learn about A.K. and her project through Feminist Parents Unite.

Okay! Let’s get to it…

1. What was the inspiration for this new book?

My eldest daughter (now 11) inspired this book. When she was 9 and going through her “unicorn” phase (this was at the peak of unicorns being all the rage), she came up to me and said genuinely that she wished she could be a unicorn. All kids say they wish they could be this or that, but she meant that she wished that she could transform into one. When I asked her why and she listed all the reasons, I had to remind her that she was all of those things she listed (magical, powerful, beautiful, etc.). The idea for the book was born with that conversation. 

2. That’s beautiful! Tell us about the evolution to featuring a non-binary character?

Since the book was inspired by my daughter, naturally the character was initially based on her. I even sketched an idea for the cover. But, when I read the book to her, even in her excitement she posed the question, “What about all the little boys that like unicorns?” That was a proud parent moment for me because we have always raised her against gender stereotypes and conformity. When faced with her question to ponder upon, my initial thought was to make a second book with male characters, but that went against everything that I teach as far as gender-neutrality. So I decided to make a character that would not be identified as female or male. I then envisioned the character as androgynous, so that when a child looked at the character, they would not be able to tell if the character was male or female (as typically portrayed in illustration).

It was also my goal to make a character that was ethnically ambiguous. 

One thing I want to make very clear is that the book is not about gender identity, at all. It’s about a child who wishes to be a unicorn, and that child happens to be non-binary. I could have written the book, had a genderless character, and focus more on the unicorn hype. I chose not to do that and it’s had both positive and negative results. On one hand, I’ve had to deal with some pushback by those that don’t understand gender identity and seemingly don’t want to understand it; people who see the word “non-binary” when I describe the character and throw hateful words and opinions my way.

But on the other hand,  there are children who are non-binary. Period. And they don’t see books without “he”/“she” pronouns. They don’t see books where the child isn’t distinguishably masculine or feminine. They don’t see books where a child’s bedroom is filled with dolls, flowers, unicorns, AND a basketball hoop, a football, a martial arts trophy, a chemistry set, a skateboard, art supplies, etc.

When I decided to make a non-binary character, I asked both non-binary children and non-binary adults what THEY wanted to see in a book with a non-binary character. The most common answer was a book that didn’t focus on gender identity, but the character was simply who they were (non-binary). When a picture book is written about a little girl, the focus isn’t generally about the fact that the girl is a girl – the story is about her adventures and the lessons she garnered through the story. That’s what I wanted for this character.

Related: Raising a non-binary child in a binary world

3. We’ve discussed unicorns on this blog before, and they seem to be mainly marketed toward girls. Tell us why boys might love unicorns, too!

Well, look at it this way: WHY is it that they are marketed towards girls? And something like say, dinosaurs, are marketed towards boys? They are both animals; some dinosaurs had horns, unicorns have a horn; both are powerful creatures (if you’ve ever worked with or ridden a horse, you understand this); neither creatures currently exist; both have had tv shows, movies, characters, and products modeled after them. Why are they both not marketed towards all children?

Related: what’s with sleeping unicorns for girls?

The imagery of unicorns invoke symbolism and thoughts of magic, beauty, power, and grace – and even though they are mythical, there isn’t a child that doesn’t hope or believe they just might be real. All children, gender aside, might love unicorns for this symbolism – because all children have within them those same traits.

4. Normally I learn people’s pronouns and take it at face value without any follow-up questions. But since your book is about a non-binary person, tell us a little about your pronouns and what they mean to you.

My pronouns are she/her, though I don’t at all mind they/them and Your Awesomeness. I personally prefer the last one.

Gender identity, when I was growing up, was not what it is today. And I struggled for a long time. As a child, it was very clear cut what was for girls, what was for boys; how a girl dressed and how a boy dressed; what activities were for girls and which were for boys. As a girl that couldn’t stand Barbie dolls and preferred G.I. Joe and Transformers; couldn’t stand dresses, much preferring a “boys” suit. As someone who wanted to ride my bike with the rest of the boys catching lizards and climbing trees, instead of “playing house”; who was made to curtsy at fancy events when I preferred to bow; and who wanted to be in the Boy Scouts, not the Girl Scouts (where they taught us how to needlepoint instead of build a fire).

If I had just had the freedom to express myself wholly and authentically in those childhood years and into my teens, I probably would not have had to tread the arduous journey of truly finding and learning to express my authentic self well into my adult years. I recognize and embrace my femininity and my masculinity, and I have no desire to conform – in any way – to the traditional expectations imposed on me as a woman. So I’m comfortable with my she/her pronouns, or they/them – the most important thing for me is that I’m being addressed with love and respect. 

5. What are the ways we’ve failed to make room for gender non-conforming children, and how can we do better?

Advertising and marketing are huge culprits here. Just now I opened my email and looked at an ad from a very popular retailer. Their clothing department is divided into a girl’s section and a boy’s section, as most clothing stores are. But, why are the colors in the girl’s section pinks and purples, and pastels? Why are the characters and animals unicorns and llamas? Why is there all the glitter and sparkle? All of that is in the section for girls.

In the “boys” section, you have blues and greens and earth toned colors, with lions and dinosaurs and robots on the shirts. All of the gaming shirts are in this section; no glitter, no sparkles. My daughter is a gamer – she loves Minecraft, wolves, darker colors, and does not want to wear “skinny jeans.” We have to go to the “boys” section for these things.

What about the boys that like glitter and sparkles? Or the boys that like skirts? What about the girls that don’t like glitter and sparkles and don’t like wearing skirts? And why are skirts only for girls? Historically, skirts were worn by men and women until the Middle Ages. In many cultures today around the world, men still wear skirts or gowns and their masculinity is not diminished.

When things are advertised and marketed a certain way, the public follows suit. If boys wearing skirts and nail polish, and girls wearing suits were advertised as “normal” there would be no problem. If the media said a person can and should identify however they want and use whatever pronouns they want, there would be no problem. If parents would deprogram themselves of the social conditioning surrounding gender stereotypes and raised their children free of this conditioning, we could make strides and move mountains. 

6. Do you have plans for a sequel? Or perhaps a different children’s book?

I actually have several manuscripts in progress. Some of them have gender non-conformity as the center theme – like “Boys Don’t Wear Nail Polish” the story of a young boy named Caleb who faces adversity because of his love of nail polish.

The very next book in line is actually about emotions and feelings, and how it’s okay to feel those. Going back to gender stereotypes, women are traditionally expected to not express certain emotions, like anger – it’s not “ladylike” or as they use to say back in the day, it’s not “becoming of a lady.” Meanwhile, boys are told to “man up” and not let their emotions go too deep, not let those emotions out through a very natural process called crying.

We’re all human, we all experience the same emotions and feelings, but we’re not taught to embrace that part of the human experience. Even emotions and feelings get divided into some imaginary line of gender. Sometimes, even though our words tell children one thing, they see another – their mothers holding in anger and frustration, and dads holding back tears. When those tears do fall, they hear “I’m sorry.” As if one needs to apologize for crying.

This next book is really important to me because it was inspired by the increased mass shootings in 2019 and preceding years. We make a concerted effort to visibility for mental health, but emotional health is equally as important. We need to teach this in early childhood so that our children grow into healthy, well-adjusted, grounded adults. 

7. You consider yourself a feminist parent – what does that mean to you?

That’s a doozy of a question. The answer depends on what a person defines as feminism – and to me that answer itself is worthy of its own book. So I’ll use the International Woman’s Development Agency’s definition where they state: “Quite simply, feminism is about all genders having equal rights and opportunities. It’s about respecting diverse women’s experiences, identities, knowledge and strengths, and striving to empower all women to realise their full rights. It’s about leveling the playing field between genders, and ensuring that diverse women and girls have the same opportunities in life available to boys and men.”

By that definition, I’m a feminist and thus a feminist parent because I raise my children under these beliefs. My children are multi-cultural (I take issue with the term “bi-racial” since we are all a part of the human race regardless of ethnic background – but that’s a whole other discussion) and they, like me, are also Jewish. We tick off a whole bunch of “minority” boxes and both my husband and I teach them to be aware of and stand against the inequality that afflicts women and other marginalized groups. 

8. Books are fun, but they are also a teaching tool. What do you hope children will learn from this book?

I hope children will learn that they are innately beautiful, love-filled beings with potential beyond their greatest imaginings. The book itself is simply written, though there are some “big” words in there, intentionally placed to expand vocabulary.

As I said before, gender identity isn’t mentioned in the book. My hope is that when a child reads the book, maybe they notice that there are no “he” or “she” pronouns. And maybe they ask their parent, caretaker, or teacher about that and it’ll be an opening to positive dialogue about gender stereotypes and gender identity. For the adults who don’t have those answers, maybe it’ll encourage them to educate themselves on this subject. 

Related: Gender 101: Gender Beyond Male and Female

9. How can people support your Kickstarter campaign?

Pledge, and share. Pledge, and share. The funding goal for this campaign is high by comparison to similar campaigns and I’ve been told that it’s too high and unlikely to reach its goal.

I really try think positive. I want to produce an awesome product, and I want to produce a lot. I’m not trying to print 500 books and call it a day. I’m printing a couple thousand this first print run with the intention that this is the start of a book publishing business – with continued bulk printing of this title and many other titles to follow. It’s not a passion project or a hobby; it’s the start of a new career – and a dream come true. But, I can’t fulfill that dream without the help of pledges from my Kickstarter backer.

Thanks, A.K.! It’s inspiring to learn more about parents across the country and throughout the world who are working to make a difference, and tear down gender stereotypes!

Check out A.K.’s author page here, where you can hear the book read aloud in its entirety at the end.

Donate to the Kickstarter here.