The Impacts of Unequal Division of Household Labor on Women

A few years ago, a friend with a 6 month-old baby was on the verge of tears. Her son wasn’t sleeping through the night. But she was back at work and constantly exhausted. 

She also described, in quiet disbelief – shocked and calm at the same time – what she noticed at home. 

“My life has changed drastically since having the baby,” she said. She was trying to do the majority of the child rearing plus everything she’d done before: a full-time job, an active community life, maintaining a close circle of family and friends. She found herself running in circles and staying up until all hours to make it happen.

“But his life hasn’t really changed,” she said about her spouse, her eyes searching for answers. “He hasn’t had to change anything.”

A small part of me wanted to be surprised. After all, these two had one of the strongest and most deeply connected marriages I’ve seen. Surely, it felt like he should have noticed; he should have stepped up already. But, truthfully, I wasn’t surprised at all. 

This story is only too familiar among millennial moms who were promised a life even more progressive than their parents‘ – a loving relationship, a successful career, and an egalitarian marriage with an involved, hands-on partner.

But when gender inequality persists at home, and the fairy tale fails to crystallize, the impacts of unequal division of household labor on women are real, and shouldn’t be treated lightly. 

THE IMPACTS OF UNEQUAL DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD WORK ON WOMEN

Stress and overload are the obvious impacts. Reportedly, 9.8 million moms working jobs outside the home suffer from burnout, with even higher rates for women of color. With the U.N. estimating that women do approximately 2.6 times the household work and child care than men, this stress and burnout is not a surprise. So let’s dig into other consequences:

1. “Mom brain” – cluttered minds and forgetfulness

Along with anecdotes shared in mom circles, recent articles document “mom brain”- the fogginess and forgetfulness that often follows welcoming a new baby. Science supports this idea, too: the gray matter in our brains may shrink and contribute to feeling “out of it” for two years.

But what about when your children are 3 and 5 years-old and you still struggle with word retrieval and remembering why you walked into a room? 

Isn’t it possible that “mom brain” is partly a result of the crushing mental load? (a/k/a the never-ending mental to-do list of every detail that could possibly cause our family members to suffer). Maybe if we didn’t feel responsible to remember our own list and give friendly follow-up reminders to our partners to ensure completion, some room in our brains would open up. 

Related: One way to begin to even the mental load

2. Unsuspecting coordinator of the sh$t show

Another impact of unequally shared division of labor for women is the crushing feeling of being responsible for IT ALL. “Coordinator of the Sh$t Show,” the newest trend in women’s apparel, underscores this. The message is light and funny; a self-deprecating mom who tries to keep everything together while toddlers throw tantrums and kids lose their shoes. Because, really, it does feel like a sh$t show sometimes.

They have holiday-themed ones, too, like this one: “Christmas Chaos Coordinator.”

(With permission from A Sparkly Chic Boutique)

When you dub yourself the coordinator, it usually means you’re in charge of everything – a difficult job for anyone, especially at the holidays. It also means that you’re responsible for ALL of the sh$t show – not just the holiday magic, but whatever goes “wrong.” 

Some people love and embrace this role. Some moms draw significant pride from being the go-to parent, managing all the things, and being needed by their families. It comes with unconditional love, right? But it’s unclear whether that desire is authentic to all moms embracing the head honcho role or a reluctant acceptance of society’s standards and expectations.

Related: The mental load of motherhood: what happens when it’s equal?

3. Feeling abandoned

I know what you’re thinking. It’s almost impossible to feel abandoned when your kids walk in on you in the bathroom and call your name 372 times a day. Especially while you and your spouse work from home, and everyone is up in everyone’s business. 

But you still can.

You can feel abandoned among the chaos and crowding and lack of personal space. 

So many overworked moms express frustration when they ask their partner to make the kids’ dentist appointments and he forgets. While the partner feels that it’s no big deal – I’ll just call tomorrow – the mom feels under-appreciated and alone. Why can’t he think of me first? she wonders.

In All the Rage, Darcy Lockman questions whether a simple “I forgot” indicates a bigger problem, perhaps an entitlement to women’s labor originating from traditional gender norms. 

“Sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar, and forgetting is not just forgetting,. To employ ‘limited attention’ is to announce that one cannot be bothered, and when the task must ultimately be completed by someone, the forgetter is asserting his right to fail to attend. Who has the leeway to forget in parenthood? Who bears the ultimate strain of that thoughtlessness?”

The forgetting can have larger consequences, too. Coach Brandilyn Tebo articulates how feelings of abandonment trigger criticism of the forgetter (the partner), which triggers his own feelings of shame and subsequent withdrawal, resulting in a vicious cycle. So while one simple act of forgetting feels small to one partner, it may feel significant to the other and create a stressful household dynamic that might lead to a serious rift in the marriage.

Related: Household work: can men be true equal partners?

4. Momsomnia and sleep issues

Have you heard of “revenge bedtime procrastination” for parents? It’s “the decision to sacrifice sleep for leisure time that is driven by a daily schedule lacking in free time,” according to the National Sleep Foundation. 

This is so common that 97% of my Instagram audience (an informal poll) self-reported this behavior, with 87% saying it got worse following the pandemic. Some of the reasons were:

 “I rarely feel like I had enough time to myself during the day.” 

 “It’s such a short period of time between when my children go to bed and when I want to go to bed.”

“I need a moment not to think critically about everything.” 

Who’s hit the hardest? Not too surprisingly, this phenomenon impacts students and women the most, with women 2X as impacted as men.  We can partly blame the blurring of home and work boundaries for some of this. 

Sleep deprivation and sleep interruptions caused by extra worrying and analyzing in the middle of the night (also known as “momsomnia”) have detrimental impacts on health: poor decision making, stress, and more. But the experts’ suggestions are only mildly helpful: put your phone away earlier, avoid caffeine before bedtime, institute a technology curfew, have a hot shower or bath. 

Sadly, none recommend the obvious solution – she’s depleted and needs her partner to increase or more equally share the mental and domestic load. 

Related: Gender inequality at home hurts men, too

5. Losing her spark

I’ve noticed something weird. When my 6 year-old gets home from school, I absentmindedly search for chores to do. Sometimes I open mail as she eats a snack, or glance around for laundry to fold as she shares details of music class. Why can’t I just be present?

The answer isn’t that complicated. When you feel like you never have enough time, you try to fill every spare moment with productivity. Capitalism and our society’s focus on productivity definitely contribute to this problem. But feeling it’s ALL ON YOU to get things done compounds it. So if you fill every moment with shopping lists and ordering diapers (when else will it happen?) you lose the connection with who you are. Suddenly, you’ve lost sight of hobbies (who’s got time for those?) and what used to make you an interesting person. 

This isn’t to say that women become uninteresting once they have kids. No, of course not. 

But when your only fun happens during kid movies or kid games, and the only “me time” you designate is for exercise, you’ve lost your ability – and right – to be a fulfilled, interesting person.

6. Less money

It’s no secret that women suffer a motherhood penalty at work, costing us an average of $16,000 in lost wages annually. Employers AND co-workers perceive working moms to be less committed to their jobs, and many women feel pushed out before they even dare ask for flexibility. 

Something women don’t talk about as often in our 30’s is the impact upon our social security earnings, especially for those of us who take a few years off of work or switch to part-time. It’s almost harder than fully relying on your own social security or your spouse’s, and trickier if there’s a divorce. 

This isn’t to say everyone needs to work outside the home. You may legitimately want to be home with your kids more. But it’s hard to separate that desire from the sinking feeling that, if you don’t, everything will fall apart. And women’s jobs are viewed by BOTH partners in a heterosexual relationship as more flexible and a man’s as less, no matter what type of jobs they have. (Example: with a doctor and a professor, or a professor and a doctor, gender reversal didn’t matter.)

Plus, in higher-earning households, many women report that their husbands encourage them not to work. While it may be partly benevolent, I can’t help but wonder if men know life will be a little easier for them? They won’t be “asked” to do quite as much. There will be someone to take care of everything. 

SO WHAT IS THE SOLUTION TO THE IMBALANCED PARTNERSHIP?

The impacts of unequal division of household labor and the mental load on women are clear. From sleep deprivation and stress to losing their identity and earning potential, women are suffering. 

Some men will suggest: just ask me when you need help. I’m happy to do it. Sounds nice, but fulfilling the role of “helper” won’t diminish this daily burden. 

To reach a more egalitarian partnership after sinking deep into these traditional gender roles, it takes a bit of work by both partners. Work that is well worth the satisfaction for both partners in the long-term.

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If you crave more equity in your partnership, book a free discovery call with me here and let’s chat about how I can help you and your partner create a more balanced, harmonious relationship with a fair distribution of household duties.