I saw a greeting card with a Christmas tree on the front. It had about 5 puny ornaments hung and lopsided lights covering only a small fraction of the tree.
In short, it was a disaster.
The caption read: “When mom delegates tree trimming to Dad and the kids.”
The joke, of course, is that men are just as useless as kids with home decor and holiday traditions that it simply can’t be left in their hands. And that a woman is always necessary to get the job done because the men (1) don’t know how, (2) don’t care, or (3) purposefully do a bad job.
No doubt that incompetent dad jokes (like this) has helped so many more women facing an unbalanced partnership to feel more seen. And validated.
But when is this kind of humor helpful, and when is it harmful? Does it simply normalize the behavior for society to accept, or does it lead to meaningful change?
PARTNERSHIPS ARE LARGELY STILL UNBALANCED
The disparity between women and men’s contributions at home is nothing new. After all, men have about 5 hours more of leisure time per week than women, and women who work outside of the home still do 65% of child care in hetero partnerships – a fact that hasn’t changed in more than 20 years.
And it’s impacting the happiness and strength of partnerships and marriages. In All the Rage, Darcy Lockman says that “division of family labor is the primary source of conflict after couples have children.”
Lockman goes on to say that several countries have found that “couples with low levels of male partner participation in domestic chores are more likely to separate than couples in which men do more.”
More likely to separate! And yet, everyone from therapists to television hosts frame the problem as simply complaints about chores.
Related: Gender inequality at home hurts men, too
HUMOR ONLINE HELPS US SEE THE PROBLEM
Perhaps overwhelmed primary caregivers should feel grateful, then, that social media and the internet have drawn more attention to this phenomenon – often with humor, jokes, and parodies.
For example, Clare Brown excels at flipping roles to highlight sexism, racial stereotypes, and weaponized incompetence in the home, at school, and even in religious institutions.
@clarabellecwb Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!
When she voices the “helpless dad” or “bumbling partner” lines as herself, people laugh, shake their heads, and applaud – because it’s so rare for us to hear it from a woman. The role reversal makes us pause a beat.
When Brown’s character says “I don’t know where all the groceries go,” or “I think the baby just wants you,” she’s quite literally flipping the script.
Whereas the holiday card I described makes us shrug and think, “yeah that’s just how it is,” Brown’s videos elicit an “oh wow” and prompt us to imagine a different way of being.
WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE
We can thank not only feminist scholars, but internet comedians like Brown for the fact that “weaponized incompetence” has gained more widespread recognition in the last few years.
That is, when a person does a job poorly or pretends to be bad at a task in order to escape responsibility.
Examples: failing to sort the laundry properly or calling a partner repeatedly from the store for instructions.
The “weaponized” part comes from the intention – Partner A slacking purposefully so that Partner B (often a woman, often already the default caregiver/household manager in the family) will be forced to pick up the slack. It also relieves Partner A from integrating deeply into the daily household dynamics that naturally inform these tasks and obviate the need for incessant questions, list requests, and hand-holding.
Can humor move the needle on social problems?
Humor holds brilliant potential to spotlight a problem. But does it simply normalize the problem (“yeah, this is just how things are”) or actually increase dialogue and social change?
Frankly, that might depend on your identity and experience.
For example, this Saturday Night Live Skit about Amazon Go made me chuckle.
It uses relevant and witty humor to show how Black folks often feel they have to carry themselves a certain way in stores to avoid accusations of shoplifting. On one hand, it’s a critical issue that we want mainstream media to spread (yay for that!). But for someone who’s been frequently trailed in a store based on their skin color (as a white woman, I haven’t), it might not feel very funny.
Another SNL skit, “Christmas Morning,” shows mothers feeling largely forgotten on Christmas morning, with Kristen Wiig’s character only getting a robe and an empty stocking. At first, I chuckled at this one, too, because the acting and writing was top-notch. They used humor again to highlight another social problem – how dogs sometimes get treated better than women who create family magic year round.
But for women who’ve taken great care to buy gifts for their children and spouse – after a full year of running the household – only to be left out, this skit might feel like salt in the wound.
“I burned my arm in the oven. It hurt pretty bad but I didn’t even scream, cause I keep the pain inside of me.” We laugh at Wiig’s quote on the outside, but some might feel this deeply on the inside.
Related: Why aren’t men filling their wives’ Christmas stockings?
CAN HUMOR INSPIRE CREATE MORE EQUITABLE RELATIONSHIPS?
To create change, we need to (1) name the problem (a la Betty Friedan with The Feminine Mystique), (2) spread awareness of the problem (sharing our experiences, commiserating & informing others), (3) contemplate a world where the problem is eliminated, and then (4) suggest and implement tangible solutions to fix it.
Humor can bring pure visibility to an issue, like racial profiling or weaponized incompetence, that otherwise may not gain mainstream attention. But without further steps, Tiktoks about #marriagehumor and jokes about incompetent dads might just perpetuate the idea that all fathers are bumbling man-children and women have to “do it all.”
Can humor actually FIX the problem, though?
I was tempted to say no. But it’s possible that the Christmas Morning skit DID inspire actual change:
[Image]: YouTube quotes: “I don’t know about any other moms, but my family saw this video and my Christmas significantly improved. Thanks SNL! We’ll be viewing this yearly as a reminder :)”
“I was laughing at this, then realized my mom’s stocking was empty and ran out and bought her at truckload of stuff. Love you Mom!”
Wow! Maybe people really are stepping up to address the problem.
The question is… will it be long-lasting? And will it be substantial enough change inequality at home?
Off to write another skit!
Hi, I’m Catherine. Are you the one who goes without gifts? I help frazzled moms create a more equity & efficiency in their partnerships so they can stop nagging their families and invest more time in themselves. Contact me if you’d like to learn more about coaching.
Also, grab the free guide: “Frazzle-Free Holidays Starter Kit” to catch burnout before it happens, relieve your holiday guilt, and help you actually enjoy the season! (Includes 12 Days of Fair Play & my Compassionate Body Intuition Meditation”
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