Independent Play and Feminist Parenting: the connection

Mom.

Mommy.

Mom, watch.

Mom.

Mama, help!

Lately it seems you hear these phrases at least 437 times. Before lunch. 

You’re trying to squeeze in a few work emails or feed the baby, and your kid. just. won’t. leave. you. alone. 

The walls are closing in on you and there’s really nowhere to escape. Is the bathroom really the only choice?

Well, sometimes yes. But hopefully not always! 

We all have our own reasons for wanting our child to play on their own more. For those of you, like me, who have an only child or an extroverted child, it feels critical. 

Today we’ll dig into independent play and its connection to feminist parenting. You may not see the connection right away. But as we dig deeper into some of the core principles of parenting outside of strict gender stereotypes, you’ll see how independent play supports those goals, too.

This is a judgment free zone

First, a strong disclaimer. This is NOT a judgment on screen time. The world is in a weird place right now, and parents of young children are juggling more things than ever before. You’re expected to care for children, be their teachers, AND do your job.

Most days it feels impossible.

You have a team meeting that you have to “show up” for, or have a serious one-on-one phone conversation that you can’t fake your way through. You need absolute quiet and sometimes a video is the only way to do that.

Even though you’re using screen time, you also want to foster solid independent play skills in your children. The two are not mutually exclusive. And, in fact, many of us are doing both right now.

So over the next couple of weeks, we’ll focus on independent play – not as another thing to feel guilty about or that you “should” be doing, but as something I hope will help you and ease your stress right now. (If you feel judged at all while reading this article, feel free to “x” out and come back another time – no hard feelings.)

What is feminist parenting, and how does play fit in?

So you may be wondering… for a person who educates parents and teachers about body image, consent, respectful parenting, media literacy, and gender stereotypes… how does play fit into that?

As you know, feminist parenting is not a set of rules. It’s a way of living; a lifestyle, and varies by family. It’s a household-wide, and ideally a community-wide commitment to the development of children into adults who care about social justice and equality.

Feminist parenting urges a massive shift in public opinion – to question the casual practices and traditions like gender reveals and detoxes to unearth a new way of being. A world in which children are not held back because of their anatomy; a world where we strive to accept one another. Where we move beyond basic acceptance to actually embrace our differences.

We strive to create humans who know when to speak up and when to pass the microphone. Humans who look around the room to see who’s missing and who hasn’t had the chance to share their story. Children who become adults who recognize inequality in all its forms and work to do better.

This is what feminist parenting is.

So why, then, does play matter?

First, the powers of play

What IS play?

“Play is the way children learn about themselves, the people around them, the world they live in, and how things work in their world. Play is the way children naturally explore, and the way they gain and practice skills they will use for their whole lives. – Regarding Baby

I love that description. Play isn’t just about keeping kids “busy” or having fun. It’s how kids learn about the world around them and other people. It’s how they practice skills they will use for their whole lives! 

If we truly want to raise little children to become caring, socially-aware adults, their modes of play are important.

Let’s see how independent play matches up with the tenets of feminist parenting. 

Respect your child’s whole being

One pillar of feminist parenting is to respect your child’s personhood; both their body and mind. Even though our children are small people, they have their own thoughts, feelings, and wishes. As adults, we have a parenting ego – the expectations we have for our children without even realizing it – assumptions that they’ll play sports, go to college or get married. The ego is the part of our brain that thinks our child’s accomplishments or behaviors are a reflection on us. Feminist parenting acknowledges our biases and expectations and releases them.

This is the same for play.  We can respect children’s full personhood by dropping our agendas and letting them lead during play. As I learned from the RIE method a few years ago, it’s easy for adults to forget that when a baby is handling a cloth, it looks like she’s doing nothing, but she IS doing something. She’s learning about light and shadows, texture, gravity.  

Adults SO often have an agenda for play. We change the direction of play without realizing it, when we ask lots of questions and create our own ideas for what should happen next. Instead, see what happens when you sit back and listen to their ideas, participating when you’re invited. Watch how they learn without you needing to “teach.” 

Raise independent thinkers 

A second core value in feminist parenting is to raise independent thinkers. A far cry from the “children should be seen and not heard” mentality (I’m looking at you, Betty Draper), we actually want kids to question the world and how it operates. If everyone accepted white supremacy, patriarchy, or the idea that some bodies are more worthy than others, we’d get nowhere. Change only happens when someone says, “this isn’t right” and envisions a more equitable society.  

To reach that more equitable world, we need kids who question the norm. That bravery, while occasionally inherent, is usually fostered by parents who let children speak up, even when it’s inconvenient. Or when it would appear “impolite.” 

Children who question rules also have the time and space to wonder about how something works or operates. When kids are constantly shuttled to extracurricular activities plus homework with no down time, they don’t have as much time to let their minds wander and question the world. But when they have the time to build a tower that falls down five times, they learn about gravity and physics, and how to try new strategies.

Support children’s self-reliance

Society squashes our gut intuition over and over – from convincing you that your body is not worthy to pressuring teens to conform. Our diminished intuition makes it harder to resist these pressures.

Parents and teachers talk about bullying a lot, but sometimes forget that the most important people in a bullying situation are active bystanders. In case you’re wondering, who the heck are active bystanders? They’re the children and teens who trust their gut and intuition enough to notice when something is wrong and actually say something about it, rather than remain silent.

Feminist parenting strives to build children who trust themselves. It’s easy for children to lean on adults to help solve their play problems, like why two blocks won’t stand up on a shaggy rug. But when they play independently, they must solve problems on their own. This helps them have trust in themselves to figure out difficult things, and find creative solutions. This self-reliance and self-trust builds incredibly capable human beings who know they can tackle life’s toughest challenges and stand up to injustices.

Embrace their individuality

Should I be watching The Tiger King? Everyone else is. Maybe I’m missing something. As an adult, I still experience some pressure to conform – often subtle, but sometimes moderate. However, as a vegan feminist who doesn’t like coffee and gets headaches from alcohol, declining the status quo is easier and easier, especially as I prepare to tie up my fourth decade.

Much harder, though, for a four year-old whose new friends tell her that girls don’t like black (a gender stereotype new to me!)

I call this feminist parenting pillar, “let them be a geek” to drive home the concept. Thankfully, independent play can nurture children’s individuality, too. When children have the freedom to play on their own and create the parameters for pretend play, they may give doctor checkups or drive trains or feed their “babies” for an hour straight. Sure, any of those activities for even 20 minutes straight can be tiresome for an adult. But when a child has lots of room to “try on” different personas during independent play, they get to experiment, express who they are, and embrace their individuality.

What other benefits do you see for independent play? Share below.

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Be sure to read these 4 mindset shifts for independent play to help you gain more of the peace you need.

In the meantime, to help you get started, or kick it up a notch, please try these 20 activities that support your child to “get into the zone” with independent play. It works well for ages 0-6, but especially toddlers and preschoolers. 

20 Independent Play Activities for Kids

Each activity uses materials that you already have in your home, and take less than 5 minutes to set up.

It’s all about the cost-benefit analysis here – no wasted time! 

If you don’t have that unicorn child who can play on their own peacefully for an hour while you meditate and do the laundry, you’re not alone. Start with these easy setups to foster their love of independent play!