10 Ways to Get Started with Intuitive Eating for Kids

Do you have a child who only likes three foods and only eats three bites? If so, you’re not alone.

When kids have strange eating habits, it can drive you crazy. The picky eater especially.

Naturally, as parents, we fret that they’re not getting enough nutrition or fuel, or that somehow their brains aren’t going to develop properly.

When I was a kid, I hated steak. It was dry and boring, and I would poke at it with my knife while I itched to go back outside to the swing set before dark. One evening, my sister finished her meal and had already dashed back outside to the jungle gym. Without a dog in the house to sneak the remainder of my dinner, I tried compromising with my parents.

“If I have three more bites, can I go back outside?”

“Five more bites,” they’d say. Or, more often, they’d probably just say “Catherine, eat your dinner.”

My parents likely wanted to ensure that their scrawny kid was getting enough food. And while I don’t think it damaged me in the long-term, there’s a growing recognition that intuitive eating habits can bolster a child’s long-term relationship with food and body image.

Intuitive eating is a complicated topic, and it can take years to undo the bizarre and sometimes harmful messages we’ve received about food through life. But here are several ways to get started with intuitive eating for kids.

Get Started with Intuitive Eating: 10 Tips

1. Don’t bargain

Negotiating skills are great (hello, I’m a lawyer!) but the dinner table is not the place.  The “three more bites, Mom?” negotiations undercut a child’s ability to identify their natural hunger and fullness cues. They may start to look at food as a project or a burden, rather than a source of pleasure and nutrition.

2. Avoid rewards for eating.

Dangling dessert or screen time as a reward for a clean plate can send the wrong message to children. If your child shovels the food down to reach the reward, they will again have trouble identifying their own hunger and fullness. As tempting as it is to heap on the praise when your kid eats her vegetables, if she expects a reward every time, they are less likely to enjoy those foods in the long run.

3. Avoid eating as a reward

This one is similar, but slightly different. When your child wins the baseball game or gets all A’s in school, you say, “You deserve a treat – let’s go get ice cream!” Or “you cleaned up your room every day this week, so you can have french fries with dinner tonight.” 

But then, what if they lose the game, get mixed grades, or don’t clean up their room? When certain foods, especially sugary foods or fried foods that our culture demeans as BAD, are used as a positive reward, children receive mixed signals. It sends a message that certain foods are off-limits until you earn them, or that eating and drinking are rewards for good behavior. Both of these messages interfere with our attempts to raise children who are intrinsically motivated and less self-centered.

4. Respect “I’m all done.”

As frustrating as it can be, if your child claims she’s done after only a couple bites, resist the urge to say “Oh no you’re not! You’ve barely eaten a thing!” At most, I will ask “do you want more rice before you leave the table?” and respect her answer if she says she’s full. Kids truly will eat if they’re hungry. And, more often than not, they will get enough nutrition from various meals and snacks throughout the day. Try to chill a bit more.

5. Focus on the brainpower and bodypower of food.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before (possibly from me), but please please please don’t call foods “good” or “bad,” or call yourself or ANYONE “good” or “bad” for eating certain foods. Focus instead on the way that nutrient-rich foods will help them run, do sports, read, and learn math. Continue to offer a wide range of food – even if they reject it 15 times, try try again and let them discover delicious fruits and vegetables they love.

Related: 5 Ways to be kinder to your body this year

6. Offer a variety of foods

Even though I mentioned fruits and vegetables, try not to become too obsessed with getting your kids to like “healthy” foods. An interesting study from 2000 of young girls who were pressured to eat healthy actually ended up restricting food, eating emotionally, and eating with abandon. (Carper, Fisher, Birch.) Admittedly, I do offer a lot of so-called “healthy” foods because that’s mainly what I like, but sometimes we switch it up, especially at family events and birthday parties, where we mostly let her eat what she wants, until she’s full. This way, kids don’t feel like certain foods are off-limits. It may create some cake-induced sugar highs, but that’s the fun of life, right?

7. Use a flexible routine.

Routines are good for kids because they offer predictability. We offer three meals and two snacks, pretty much at the same time of day every day. My daughter knows that snack follows nap, and so on. But allow a little bit of flexibility in that routine. It’s okay if your child isn’t hungry for snack, or wants two full-sized breakfasts. Respond to what their body is telling them. This will help your child become an intuitive eater.

8. Be present for your food.

As much as possible, we try to sit together at the table when we eat. Of course, sometimes you need to have a snack at the playground or offer a quick meal in the car on the way to piano lessons. But both children AND us grownups can more fully appreciate our food in a device-free zone, with each other’s company. There’s even something about the mid-day sunlight that makes our weekend lunches more relaxing and peaceful.

9. Become aware of emotionally-charged eating

If you eat in response to emotions – fear, sadness, boredom, anxiety – I’m certainly not going to shame you. But start to recognize it. I realized recently that I was bingeing on chocolate chips each time my 3 year-old went down for nap or bedtime, because those were the most stress-inducing parts of the day. Chocolate would calm me. And that’s ok. Sometimes we just have to get through the day.

Emotional eating can take a while to address (and please do see a professional if you feel it is out of control) but begin with simple awareness that it’s happening, so that you can better regulate the underlying emotion. Now, after a difficult bedtime, I lie down on the floor and breathe for a few minutes to process what just happened, and then let it go.

Related: How to combat new mom isolation

10. Get real about your own food choices.

If you embark on a fad diet, like Keto or the Whole 30, and feel you need to hide it from your children, ask yourself why. Would you want your daughter, niece, or granddaughter emulating your choices? If the answer is no, reconsider whether it’s the right choice for you. The best choice for you and your children is a style of eating that will last long-term and serve you well.

How does intuitive eating relate to feminist parenting?

Consent. One of the tenets of feminist parenting is to respect the child’s body, emotions, and individuality. In order to respect our child’s body, we create an atmosphere where they feel safe and respected. We talk a lot about consent here, but consent does not only govern when and if we touch each other.

Related: 5 ways to teach children consent at a young age

Kids must also exercise authority over what they put in their bodies and when. This isn’t to say that that you need to let your child eat only Oreos for every meal. Parents must still provide a range of food choices at certain times of the day. But the rest is up to our kids.

Body Image.  In addition, we must distill for children the daily messages about appearance that infiltrate our lives. At a young age, kids learn which appearances are praised and which are not. Soon after, they learn how restriction of food can change their bodies. It’s up to us to role model positive body image, help them to decipher the media images they see, and provide them with a strong foundation of independent thinking and problem-solving to value their worth beyond looks.

For more information about how to nurture healthy body image in children, get your free guide here, with 8 advanced strategies: