Why do so many men fail to fill their wives’ Christmas stockings?
Gift giving is loaded with emotional baggage. And it’s impacted by so many things – cultural, familial, regional, and socioeconomic factors.
But there are thousands of women who take great care to create holiday magic for the whole family. These very same women feel neglected on Christmas morning**, when their stocking hangs empty – a brutal reminder that no one used the same thoughtfulness for them.
IS IT REALLY THAT BIG OF A DEAL?
After hearing from hundreds of women last year who anticipated they’d wake up to an empty Christmas stockings, I posted a video last week that has 1.4 million combined views (on Instagram and Tiktok) as of today.
In it, I provided tips to men for how to fill their partner’s stocking. The kicker? I compared the relatively minimal cost of lotions and lip balms to the exorbitant price of divorce.
Is that a little extreme? Why are we talking about divorce? Isn’t this only about Christmas gifts?
Well, no, it’s not extreme.
Of course, one empty stocking won’t cause a partnership to split. But so many women linked it with feeling unseen – as one of the many reasons why their partner did not notice them and all they do for the family.
ARE EMPTY STOCKINGS A MADE-UP PROBLEM?
In case you’re wondering if this is an ACTUAL problem, or a made up problem, read the following reactions from women. This is a small sample taken from hundreds of commenters, sharing that this happens to them each year.
My stocking is the empty one. 😬
Yep. Every single year.
Yep happens to me every year no matter how much I express it upsets me.
Every year mine goes empty except the few pieces of candy I put in there myself.
It’s so effin easy and yet after 20 years my stocking has never been filled.
Many linked it, either directly or indirectly, to the demise of a marriage. A single unfilled stocking, of course, is unlikely to create a rift big enough to crumble a partnership. (Trust me, I know that!) It’s often indicative, however, of a larger pattern – one where one partner feels that she’s not being cared for in the same way that she cares for her family.
One of the multitude of reasons why I have an ex-husband.
My ex never filled mine. On occasion, he’d throw something random in there. 🙄
Reason #6,114 why I got divorced.
I do my own presents lmao. I did when I was married…still do now but at least I don’t feel bad.
Oh every single year with my ex-husband. Every Christmas I’d do for him and kids and I’d sit with nothing.
30 yrs together. not once has he filled mine. i did it so the kids didn’t ask why it was empty. not anymore.
Married 16 years and filled mine every time so the kids didn’t question why. Now I fill my own everything bc I was alone in my marriage anyway.
THE TRUE MEANING OF GIVING UP
The disappointment of being ignored causes many to just give up on gifts and stockings altogether. Even though some lace it with humor, it was the disappointment that caused women to stop hanging stockings; not their distaste or apathy toward the tradition.
I decided after last year, I’m just not bothering with (adult) stockings anymore.
It sure will be [empty]! I stopped filling my husbands too now, at least both are empty instead of just mine.
I stopped expecting bc I just got nothing so I and just started to buy my own gifts and write from Santa.
I don’t even hang one for myself.
I just stopped hanging both of ours two years ago! Haha no longer a problem.
That happened to me once. I filled everyone else’s…and mine was completely empty. I’ve never put stockings back up since. 😒
But the act of not hanging stockings is an active choice, too. It might feel like an easier way to spare your feelings and simply eliminate the situation that triggers so much disappointment. But the feelings of sadness (and maybe even abandonment) will remain.
Will the Kids think I’m on the Naughty List?
In the face of being forgotten, many moms worry about what the kids will think. In some cases, women fill their own stockings to preserve the story of Santa bringing gifts for everyone in the family. After all, if mom’s stocking goes unfilled, is Santa even real?
I get my own stuff so my daughter doesn’t think Santa forgot me. 😢
I’ve filled my own just so my daughter doesn’t see mine empty when everyone else is full.
Married 16 years and filled mine every time so the kids didn’t question why.
I bought myself a single Christmas gift to wrap under our tree so my son won’t see him and dad having gifts but not me.
This “cover-up” may be coupled with twinges of underlying guilt, too. Perhaps an unconscious shame about gender roles in the household that accidentally became traditional, with a “busy bee” mom who buzzes around behind-the-scenes doing everything.
People socialized as women and girls are also trained from a young age to protect adult men from discomfort and public shame. It’s possible that many forgotten-Christmas-morning moms fill their stockings or wrap themselves gifts under the tree “from Santa” don’t want their children to think less of their father – the person who did the forgetting. Or to have him be embarrassed in public.
But when we cover up those missteps, how will our children (of all genders) learn to be loving partners someday?
It almost feels “easier” to pretend that everyone is happy on the big day, to preserve peace for the kids. It can almost seem logical to many stressed-out moms to gloss over it. After all, how can I have my own pity party on Christmas morning when I have to deal with kid meltdowns and the entire family coming over for dinner?
THE IMPACT OF GIFTS ON PARTNERSHIPS
Stockings are only for kids, some say. Other say, “just go buy yourself what you want!”
Not surprisingly, some even accused women of a money-grab.
But the unfilled Christmas stockings for women hit a nerve for a good reason. It’s really not about the stuff. Sure, anyone can go buy themselves hand lotion and a candy bar.
It’s about thoughtfulness.
It’s the little things that make us feel appreciated after running the household and meeting everyone’s needs ALL YEAR. Not the dollar amount.
Gifts given with thoughtfulness are a way to express that the recipient is understood and appreciated and loved. ❤️
Stocking could be replaced with so many other words and it would still be true. Definitely going to secretly fill my mom’s stocking this year. Thanks for this reminder. 🥰
Because the stocking is the symptom. It’s not that an empty stocking will cause divorce. It’s that paying so little attention to your spouse that you can’t be bothered to fill it will cause a divorce.
Empty stockings are a symptom of a larger problem.
Globally, women still do almost 3 times the amount of domestic duties as men. And they often do the work that goes unseen – the invisible labor that keeps a house running.
Plus, the emotional work of raising well-adjusted, compassionate children and creating happy family memories.
When you are a “magic maker” all year round – the person who embodies the tooth fairy, makes Halloween magic, creates fun family outings, and makes a mental note of everyone’s interests, sizes, and meal preferences – it’s nice to feel seen, too.
Everybody wants to feel seen, appreciated, and loved.
Perhaps this person said it best:
“For anyone arguing that this is about gifts, it’s not. It’s about being an example to your children and showing what equal partnership looks like without having to ask. It’s showing your children that you should do things for your partner because it makes them happy, not because you were asked to.
It’s creating [a] future for our children where they can have partnerships where each person gives equal attention to what makes the other happy. My husband has never left my stocking empty, even before children, but now that we have children our boys get to see that mom isn’t the only one putting in the mental labor to make sure everyone is happy. They get to see that dad THOUGHT of mom, too, and hopefully my boys will follow suit and THINK of their spouses when they’re older.“
**Author’s note: While I strive to be inclusive of different religions and family structures, this particular article is largely heteronormative and based in Christian traditions associated with Christmas to address a specific problem that came to my attention over the last few years. This theme can likely be found in other holidays and traditions.
Photos by Social Squares
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