Moms! Avoid This One Thing To Help Your Kids With Sports

Moms, do you wonder how you can help your kids with sports?

Let me tell you a little about our house…

My three year-old runs around our living room one night, kicking a small beach ball around. (Don’t worry, there’s nothing breakable left in this room.)

I watch in amazement as she sets up the ball, takes a few steps back, and approaches with a tongue out and a vigorous kick.

Where did she get this from? I think to myself.

We didn’t teach her these moves; she just has them. I’m not particularly athletic, and my husband is a little above average.

As adorable as her budding athletic prowess is (funny, since I’m soooo not one of those parents that needs my kids to be into sports), I was a bit stunned by my own behavior…

When I joined in the game, I kept apologizing, left and right.

“Whoops! I kicked that a little too far.”

“Sorry! That went in the other direction.”

How we judge ourselves about “mistakes”

When you kick or throw the ball back and forth with a toddler, there’s a lot of room for error. Upon reflection, my constant apologies came from a place of not wanting HER to feel bad that she didn’t catch the ball when my aim was so clearly off. To make her feel that it was normal that she couldn’t return my kick when I didn’t get the ball close enough to her.

The thing is… she didn’t seem to feel bad at all.

These “errors” that I felt bad about?  They’re so normal to her. Her whole life is filled with re-tries. A toddler whose fine motor skills are developing has fingers that need a few attempts before the puzzle pieces lock. And that’s wonderful. I want her to re-try challenges over and over.

So when the ball flies in the other direction, she doesn’t really think twice about it. It’s no big deal. It’s not an error at all; it’s just play.

I’m the one who ended up making a bigger deal of it than needed.

So what’s my problem?

Moms… we’ve got to stop apologizing in sports.

Frequent apologies encourage stereotypes about women and girls

We’ve discussed before how women apologize more than men, and that men’s thresholds for what warrants an apology are much lower. Christina from Teach Like a Girl and I even challenged you to try not to say sorry for a week and write down the times you do.

Interestingly, attempts to stifle the “sorry” have received backlash. People say it’s just another tool to police women’s behavior and give them more to think about when they speak or interact at work.

I get that. I truly do.

But this piece in particular seems to justify the female niceity requirement because it leads to more successful interpersonal relationships. Well, yes, of course it does.. most people (regardless of gender) expect women to be nice and courteous and not too assertive. This is akin to telling women to use a bunch of workarounds to ask for higher pay because it’ll likely end in more success for them.

The problem with that?

This attitude works WITHIN current gender stereotypes, rather than trying to dismantle them, build new expectations, and free people to act however is best suited to their personality, not their anatomy.

Related: Try this one easy tip to nix gender stereotypes

The conflicting messages we send to girls

Of course, when my husband kicked the ball too hard, or in the wrong direction, HE didn’t apologize to my kid.

So what kind of messages am I sending to her?

Girls receive tons of conflicting messages. “Girl power lite” tells them to be assertive and confident, but to make sure they appear friendly and don’t hurt people’s feelings. We dole out praise when girls consider other people’s feelings, but boys get more points for winning or being assertive. Peers are just as likely to police girls’ behavior as adults are.

To be clear, empathy isn’t a bad thing. I would love if ALL parents teach children of ALL genders the value of considering other children’s feelings.

But right now, we still live in a culture where we encourage girls to have more feelings and boys to have fewer.

Related: Why saying “you’re ok” is harmful to boys

When it comes to my daughter’s body, I want her to feel confident, not apologetic, in the way she uses it for play and adventure.

So moms… are you guilty of this, too? If so, let’s promise to stop saying “sorry” when we play sports. Join me in trying these three intentional play tactics to build our children’s physical confidence:

1. Close your mouth.

Not trying to sound mean. But I’m the chatty type. I narrate activities as I do them, like cooking and putting on my shoes. The benefit? It helps to build my kid’s vocabulary. The drawback? Lots of talking can distract you from physical pursuits.

If we cut back on the chatter, we can immerse ourselves more completely in the game. Kids are also less likely to be distracted if they can focus on the physical activity.

2. Treat “mistakes” as observations.

If #1 doesn’t work, and you JUST. HAVE. TO. TALK. then try to make observations without judgment. I learned this skill from respectful parenting and peaceful parenting experts like Magda Gerber and Janet Lansbury, who taught me that a stack of blocks falling is not necessarily an “oops” moment or a mistake. It’s simply how babies and toddlers learn about gravity, physics, and balance. It’s a natural part of play.

Once we remove our judgment, we may notice that the child actually likes when the blocks fall down, or when they have to chase the ball extra far.

3. Be a Risk Model

Yes, a risk model, not a role model. When we were on vacation last week, I made sure that my kid saw me throw the frisbee, toss the bean bags into cornhole, and splash in the waves. Despite my lack of physical prowess (and generally feeling old and tired), I want her to see me physically active and using my body to try new things out of my comfort zone. Only then will she be truly inspired to push her own limits.

To raise children who are confident on the inside AND out, get the free guide, “How to Nurture Healthy Body Image in Kids: 8 Strategies You Haven’t Already Heard”