Have you ever felt a little uneasy when your child acts in a way that is super-girly or very boyish?
As in, oh man, are my efforts totally failing? Or, maybe this whole thing is really biological, after all?
On the flip side – have you ever been kinda relieved? When you first noticed that your kid played or dressed in a way that was consistent with cultural expectations for their sex… did you exhale, knowing life might be a little easier?
It’s okay to admit it. It’s happened to me, too. But as parents who care about equality and social justice, and raising good humans, those of us raising cis-gender children (or so we think) need to raise them to not only accept and understand, but embrace folks who are transgender or gender non-conforming.
Raise kids to embrace who they are
I know that, as a parent or caregiver, you’re committed to let your child be who they are. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be hanging around Think or Blue. And you want to remove artificial limits that tell kids “how to be a boy” or “how to be a girl.”
If your child came to you and told you they felt like a different gender from what anyone expected, or even multiple genders, (or none!) you may feel you are ready to be supportive. You’re ready to provide them with a loving home base so that they can thrive and embrace who they are.
Right? Right.
But deep down you might have a little nagging feeling… knowing that life might be so much more difficult for your child, at least for a while. You worry, will they be accepted? Will I have to defend our choices a million times to strangers? How would we make decisions about hormones, surgery, etc.? It seems so difficult.
For more on this, read “Only unfair choices: raising a non-binary child in a binary world.”
The impact of gender conforming behaviors
It only makes sense that if you DO see your child show gender-conforming behavior, you might feel a little relieved. Or mixed emotions.
My daughter, almost exactly on schedule at 3 1/2 year-old, now shows tremendous interest in the way she dresses, jewelry, nails, other people’s shoes, and expressing herself in a feminine way. This interest has surged over the last few weeks.
Gotta tell you, I’m pretty mixed about this.
Related: it’s okay if your child conforms to gender norms
On the one hand, I get a little annoyed. Ugh, why won’t she wear that cute football shirt that she loved 6 months ago? Why does she roll up her pants to show her ankles? (Honestly, still haven’t figured that one out.) Why does she demand to wear a dress when it’s only 50 degrees out?
On the other hand, there’s a teeny tiny part of me that thinks…. okay, so maybe she’s cis-gender after all. Maybe life will be a tad easier.
But I feel guilty even thinking that.
Of course, this could just be a stage! Maybe my daughter is just doing what she thinks is “expected” of her, and in another year this could all change.
Parents with cisgender kids need to learn more about transgender children
If your child DOES show gender conforming behaviors, you’re not off the hook. We still have an obligation to educate ourselves. We also need to teach our children about the many, many ways that a child can be a child.
Today my 3 year-old began to ask questions about “the thing boys have that stick out like a tail” (a/k/a/ p*nis, which we’ve told her about, but she continually forgets the name.) Pretty funny. So, over a casual bowl of ice cream, I grabbed the chance to give her a few super-quick lessons in one. Consent, self-exploration, AND gender-identity. Woot woot!
First, I reminded her about the proper names of her body parts. No one around here is afraid to say vulva, right? (I only used the asterisk in the last paragraph for fear of being kicked off the internet.)
Then, I reminded her that no one should touch those body parts except for HER and a couple discrete scenarios, like certain adults with toilet paper in the bathroom. (We’re slowly building up to situations where she ever feels uncomfortable.) And I told her she can touch and explore her body at home.
Related: 5 ways to teach young children about consent
And, because a 3 year-old’s attention span is short, I quickly moved into the fact that MOST boys have p*nises but not all. Some people have p*nises but they might feel like a girl. Or some people might feel like they’re both. Or none. She giggled at first, but I planted the seed.
After all, if she’s at a sleepover party one day and discovers her close girl friend has male body parts, I don’t want her to freak out or shun that kid. We need to plant those seeds early.
Finally, I taught her that people have ownership of their gender. Lately, whenever I turn on a song by an artist she doesn’t know, she asks about their gender. “Mommy, is Billy Joel a man or a woman?” “Well, honey, I believe he identifies as a man.”
The word IDENTIFY is a subtle, but major shift. This conveys to children that Billy isn’t just a man or a woman, but that Billy himself tells the rest of the world his gender; not the other way around. It’s not solely dictated by his anatomy.
This one is nuanced, though. People in the the LGBTQ community have varying opinions on this. A trans man who was assigned female at birth may feel that he does not “identify” as a man – rather, he IS a man. However, there are gender fluid folks who may change pronouns regularly. We must leave room for all of these paths.
Most importantly, I want her to know that each person in the world can convey their own gender; no one else.
6 Resources for Parents to Learn about Gender Identity
Everyone likes to learn differently, so choose below from novel, a children’s book, a podcast, audio recording, a reality show, and a website for your edification. Pick one. Or even better – all!
Listen: you may mess up, I may mess up, and that’s okay. We have to keep trying, and vowing to do better. That’s why I included resources below from trans folks and their parents – to learn directly from people with first-hand knowledge.
(This list includes affiliate links – disclosures here.)
Novel: This is How it Always Is, Laurie Frankel
This book (for adults) opened my eyes to the realities of raising a young, transgender child. You think parenting is hard until your son begins to tell you I’m a girl. When can I stop pretending to be a boy?
While the story is fiction, the author has deep experience in this subject area. “The mama in me was watching her little boy transform into her little girl before her very eyes,” says Franklel in the acknowledgments.
From play dates and teachers, to keeping secrets and difficult decisions about hormone blockers, this novel is unforgettable. Buy on Amazon.
Children’s Book: Red, A Crayon’s Story, Michael Hall
A young crayon lives in a red wrapper, but when Red tries to draw, he always comes out blue! No one can figure out why. Friends, teachers, and family speculate. Maybe Red needs to hang out with more red crayons. Or maybe he needs to put a scarf on. If only he could concentrate, maybe he could draw red.
While the book never mentions gender identity, or any terms like male, female, or transgender, it opens up a fantastic conversation about how what we feel on the inside doesn’t always match up with the outside.
A loyal reader pointed out that this book is great for neurodiversity, too. Many people with autism may relate to this widespread desire to “fix” children, rather than let them be.
Podcast: “How to Be a Girl”
Marlo Mack doesn’t simply set up a microphone, talk, and upload it to iTunes. No no. Each podcast episode is a unique work of art, told with true storyteller skills, dramatic pauses, and artfully selected music. When I think of people listening to radio in the old days before television, this is what I imagine.
Except, of course, the subject matter is quite modern. Marlo Mack (pen/stage name) and her transgender daughter produce this podcast about the challenges of growing up trans.
The storytelling is gorgeous, and the lessons are poignant. Please listen to this now -you won’t regret it!
Reality Show: I Am Jazz
Jazz appears to be an everyday young teenager who hangs out with friends, bickers with brothers, and stresses about high school starting. But Jazz has more challenges than most. She is transgender, and says so pretty confidently.
There are a few things that make her different from some trans teens – she has unwavering support from her parents and siblings, a strong group of friends at school, a nice house and fairly privileged upbringing (as far as the eye can see), and a supportive doctor AND mental health professional. Five episodes in, her life is different from many trans youth who experience violence, abuse, homelessness, and lack of access to health care. She HAS experienced bullying and death threats, so it’s not as if her life is all rainbows and sunshine. She’s brave, that’s for sure! “I Am Jazz” is a great way to support and learn from a trans teen and her family.
Find the reality show on Hulu or TLC. Check out her bullying PSA here.
Audio: Amandla Stenberg on Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations
In a live speech at UCLA, “My Authenticity is My Activism,” Amandla Stenberg discusses vulnerability and how to find strength in your identity. Amandla is best known for playing Rue in Hunger Games, and uses both them/them and she/hers pronouns.
The conversations here show that non-binary identities are not always as clear cut as people think.
Blogs: GLSEN
Ezra Morales analyzes the plethora of issues facing trans teens of color, including white supremacy, and the erasure of sexual orientation and gender identity of Indigenous folks. Find it here on the GLSEN blog.
GLSEN also features an article “4 Ways to Support Trans Students of Color,” by Kian Tortorello-Allen. Kian’s advice includes listening and highlighting trans voices.
In the words of Laurie Frankel:
I wish for my child, for all our children. A world where they can be who they are and become their most loved, blessed, appreciated selves… I want more options, more paths through the woods, wider ranges of normal and unconditional love. Who doesn’t want that?”
Heck if I know.
Don’t forget to join the Feminist Parenting Resource Library for access to the guide, “Gender 101: Beyond Male and Female.”
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I’m interested in how consent/body autonomy works if you’re telling your daughter than some girls have penises. At what age would you want your daughter to feel enough autonomy to say, no, they don’t want to share sleeping or changing areas (such as at the sleepover you mention) with someone with a penis? Or are the feelings of the male bodied teen always more important than biological girls boundaries and right to privacy? It’s helpful to hear from people who have thought about these complexities in depth, so appreciate your thoughts.
Also interested to hear how you define ‘cis gender’, as it seems like you are saying that this is kids who stick to the social norms expected of their sex. But isn’t that what your site is trying to free children from? If my daughter one year likes wearing pink and playing football is she ‘cisgender’. What about if she decides to shave her head, but loves ballet? It seems such a rigid, regressive word to express that someone is basically happy going along with societal expectations of their sex, but surely we should all be free from the constraints of gender, not boxing children (or adults) into some strange “you’re cis as you’re fine because you’re female and you like pink”, or “you must be trans as you are male and like pink”. I genuinely have a cognitive dissonance reading this page, and wonder if you have any too, or if you are trying to reconcile two opposing philosophies – one which is more radical feminism (freeing people from gender) and one which is a trans ideology which says that if you see yourself more identifying with the stereotypes of the opposite sex, then you must actually BE the opposite sex. Would really appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks for your comment, Claire, and your questions. Regarding your first paragraph, I don’t think there’s a hard line. I will always teach my child to feel that she has the right to her bodily autonomy and can refuse situations that make her uncomfortable. However, I will also encourage her to understand that someone’s anatomy is not the most important thing about them. As I’ve watched the series “I Am Jazz” that I reference in this post, in the early episodes she has not had gender confirming surgery, and her young female friends are just as happy to hang out without any fear of what her body parts are.
In response to your second paragraph, you present major questions and I appreciate them. First, I should say that my opinions are certainly not the only ones who matter, and we should all continue to listen to folks who a range of gender identities. Certainly children can shave their head and love ballet, too. I don’t believe that those hobbies define one’s gender. I know several women who reject most feminine societal norms, but still feel at their core that they identify as women. We can all identify or not with a range of gender stereotypes, but those do not on their own indicate our gender. While I would love to free people from the EXPECTATIONS of gender, I acknowledge that for some people, their gender is very important to them, and I wouldn’t want to take that away.
I say this often but please encourage your readers to subscribe or share these important articles with grandparents. Frankly, these are new (and possibly uncomfortable) concepts for grandparents. If I didn’t read this column I wouldn’t know some of the ideas being shared with my own grandchild! Some grandparents don’t care-I realize that. But many of us want to learn and understand the ideas that our grandkids are learning. It’s a new world for us, too!
What a great comment! And good reminder. Thanks, I’ll remember to encourage people to share these with grandparents. It IS a new world – thanks for being open to new learning!