4 Lessons from “Enough As She Is” Book Tour: Raising Girls in a High Pressure Culture

Rachel Simmons pulled the microphone off the podium and quickly cracked jokes about kale chips and nutella.

This is my kinda gal, I thought.

But it wasn’t what I expected.

Simmons has a lengthy resume: she is the author of several revered books about girls growing up in a culture of “good girl” expectations, bullying and aggression, and a world of stress and pressure. Along with being a skilled researcher and writer, Simmons travels around the country to give workshops and lectures to schools and parents. Oh, and did I mentioned she founded Girls Leadership, which offers powerful camps to develop and strengthen girls’ confidence and leadership?

Phew!

This isn’t even her exhaustive list of accomplishments.

During her recent book tour talk in Northampton, I assumed Simmons would be reserved and serious, perfectly coiffed and polished. Instead, she sounded like another mom who I’d hang out with on the playground while cursing certain politicians and my toddler’s spotty naps. Never did I guess she’d be joking about Red Bull!

She made us laugh, even the teens in the audience.

My assumptions about her persona actually proved one of Simmons’ major points in Enough As She Is – women, especially girls, tend to think everyone is more successful, better, and smarter than they are. Why didn’t I think she could be like me? I figured, to be so “successful,” she must be refined and stoic as a result of her accomplishments, or maybe, in order to achieve them.

Simmons’ brand new book dives into this problem – why girls compare themselves and what you can do about it as parents. Comparison is an infinite and dangerous trap heightened by social media’s growing prominence in our lives. It also examines the increasing pressure girls feel to be perfect.

So what do we do about it? We can’t hide our children from social media forever, she says, so it’s up to us to guide them through it. Enough As She Is includes tips on that, as well as four other important lessons I learned from the book and her talk.

1. Tell girls that they don’t have to be everything

We’ve swung the pendulum far enough on women’s rights and feminism that we’ve been telling young girls for a couple of decades that “they can be anything they want!”

Sounds girl-power-anthem-ish enough to be Katy Perry’s next hit, but, as Simmons points out, do we ever tell girls that they don’t HAVE to be everything? Or in fact, that it’s impossible?

It’s time to dispense with the myth of the so-called amazing girl. We have allowed superficial criteria to influence our judgment of how girls are doing. When I listen to girls talk about how and why their achieve, and at what cost to their bodies, hearts, and minds, success is not the first word that comes to mind.” – Rachel Simmons

Increasingly, girls face enormous pressure to be smart and thin, funny and attractive, and skilled at both sports and arts. They must be confident but not aggressive, stylish but not superficial, get good grades but maintain an active social life. Plus, they have to hone in on their life’s passion by age 12.

There are simply too many roles to play, Simmons says. And often these roles are in conflict with one another.

This concept echoes the myth of the “superwoman” a label often foisted upon working mothers with so-called successful jobs, two kids, a spouse, and a thriving charitable and volunteer life. Buried under this “superwoman” is actually an exhausted woman who stopped taking care of herself and her needs in order to measure up to this ideal. We simply can’t impose this burden on adolescent girls.

2. Create a new definition for success

These “supergirls” are often striving for specific goals. Measurable performance goals, to be exact – scoring 12 goals this season, taking four AP classes, landing in the top 10%, getting into an ivy league college – for the sake of approval, not for the intrinsic value of the achievement. When a girl focuses on learning goals, those that help her to master a challenge, grow, or increase her competence, she’s more likely to be resilient in life, Simmons says.

Girls’ worthiness is riding on what she calls the College Application Industrial Complex, which leads teens to see their friends as competition and their own value dependent on a college decision. It HAS gotten a bit out of hand, hasn’t it? Enough As She Is gives parents solid tips to reframe the college application process and help girls re-evaluate their perception of competitors.

One is to talk early about what success means to you and your children. And when you discuss their future goals, focus on purpose instead of passion, says Simmons.

What lights you up? What’s exciting to you?

Purpose is something that moves you AND connects you to something bigger.

3. Give space and permission for failure.

When girls feel like they have to “do it all,” and have to do it perfectly, they start to weed out possibilities without guaranteed success. What if they fail? Better not to try at all, they think.

Simmons advises helping our kids to experience the process, and value the journey on its own. It’s not just about the end goal.

She suggests a few questions to flesh this out:

• What’s the worst possibility? Are you going to be shunned from your high school?
• Can you deal with that worst case scenario? Like really, are you going to die?
• What’s the minimum benefit you’ll gain? Will you meet someone cool, or go to an interesting event? Or maybe you’ll just bask in the glory of the fact that you actually tried out for the school play, even if you didn’t get the part.

4. Stop saying “don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”

Amen! Many of us, even adults, have heard this sentence, too. I mean, this just feels like victim blaming. Another thing that they’re not doing well. Do kids and young adults need more reasons to feel inadequate?

Instead, Simmons says, we should acknowledge the culture in which they exist. Overwhelm is the new normal. (Decidedly less fun than orange being the new pink.)

It’s not their fault. It’s not. It’s our culture. To bat this point home, consider playing the Robin Williams/Matt Damon scene in Good Will Hunting twenty times in a row. It’s not your fault! (Disclaimer: that’s my advice, not Rachel’s.)

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But seriously, culture is pummeling them every day with messages that they need to do more, be more, achieve more. We can’t pretend this culture isn’t real; we can only help them think about it consciously and make informed decisions about how they’ll operate in this world.

This book is filled with too many valuable nuggets to list here, such as:

• Why do girls engage in “fat talk” and what can you do about it?
• How do we start to manage “imposter syndrome”?
• What’s the “chill girl persona” and how is it quashing their spirit?
• How to parent through a transition crisis, and much more.

If you want to know the answers, you’ll just have to get your own copy!