How to Raise Boys to Be Good Humans: Mixed Gender Play

At the end of last year, many parents panicked about how their sons will turn out.

How do I raise a boy who respects girls? How do I raise a son who isn’t an entitled a**hole?  I heard these concerns, especially from people raising white boys in fairly well-off families.

In the past year, we’ve heard story after story about very public men who did some not-so-stellar things in their younger days.

During the confirmation hearings for Justice Kavanaugh, this fear struck even closer to home. We listened as people discounted Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford’s experience and worried about the damage to Kavanaugh’s reputation.  If all the things she said were true, or even half of them, is it possible to raise a boy who respects women, their bodies, and their wishes?

We all hope that our boys grow up to be good humans.  We all want to raise respectful boys.

But it sometimes feels impossible, and it’s scary.

We worry… will my son turn out like that?

Boys are critical to reach gender equity

If we only focus on raising girls who are confident about saying “no,” avoid perceived unsafe situations, and advocate for themselves, we’ve only done half the job.

Boys are the other half of the puzzle.

And I hear these exact worries from parents on Facebook and around town. How can I raise a boy who doesn’t objectify girls? How do I make him into a man who treats women, both personally and professionally, with the respect they deserve?  Someone who doesn’t view the white male cis-gender, heterosexual experience as the NORM. Someone who recognizes, listens to, and respects the experiences of others.

Those are excellent questions, and we need to keep asking them if we want to diminish gender stereotypes and achieve gender equity.

It’s never too early to start.

Tip #1: encourage mixed gender play.

I know, I know. Those of you with children past first or second grade will say, but my kids only want to play with kids of the same gender! And I hear you. It gets harder to change habits as they get older.

But, like any parenting dilemma, we have influence. No matter how strong peer and societal influences are, we continue to set values at the home base through our actions.

More: 13 ways to raise young feminists

Start young.  

If your children are still young, set regular play dates with children of all genders to offer them exposure to many different styles of play.

Research indicates that children who engage in mixed gender play are less likely to adhere to rigid gender-stereotyped play. This is a good thing. We need our boys to be exposed to dolls and kitchens, and girls to have access to trucks, blocks, and dinosaurs. I’d argue that boys actually will feel safer to play fairy tale dress up when other boys aren’t monitoring his behavior.

                Related: What birth order taught me about gender stereotypes

Mixed gender play also helps children to recognize behavioral similarities – meaning, they get the chance to focus on what they have in common, rather than focus on differences that adults emphasize.

For older kids:

If your kid spurns house-based play dates, plan external activities that appeal to all kids, regardless of gender. Meet up at a trampoline park or children’s museum, go hiking, try a painting studio, or an indoor rock climbing wall. It will less forced and a bit more natural.

(Several more tips for encouraging mixed gender friendships from Rose tinted tentatcles)

The danger of adults’ unspoken messages about gender

If you DON’T expect your child to play with children of all genders, your kids hear that message loud and clear. For example, if you expect boys to only want to play with boys, it signifies that girls are either inferior, wildly different, or not worthy of their time.

This is similar to the frequent assumption that boys do not want to read stories or watch movies featuring a female protagonist. Sadly, this assumption is a self-perpetuating myth that leads to boys believing that only THEY are centered in stories. And, really, that THEY matter the most.

Hmmm… I know those aren’t the messages you want to send.

Plus, when boys play more frequently with children of ALL genders, including girls, boys will get used to losing at games and sports to girls sometimes. This is another helpful lesson that diminishes possible feelings of superiority.

Mixed gender play is just one of 12 strategies to raise boys to be good humans that you can find in my video here:

You’ll learn how to reinforce the importance of consent, and several other lessons that lead to boys’ increased respect for girls and women. Boys hear messages every day – from classmates and video games – that boys and men are entitled to every dream, goal, and whim they wish, no matter the consequences. While we want boys to achieve their dreams, it shouldn’t be at the sacrifice or expense of others. That’s why it’s ever-critical in your home to provide a solid foundation for boys to become men you admire.

You can get access to this video when you sign up for the free Feminist Parenting Resource Library here: