Please welcome a powerful and touching guest post from Holly, a Think or Blue reader and parent, about raising a nonbinary child:
They love glitter glue and building blocks. They have a gift for number sense. Even multiplication comes easy to them this early in life. “Mom, why are there only boys and girls bathrooms when we go places?” (age 5)
They love reading books like Dragons Love Tacos and Pinkalicious. “Mom, I am half boy and half girl.” (age 6)
They love YouTube and Minecraft. Their sister is their best friend. “Mom, you know how I am half boy and half girl? … What is that called?” We look it up together. We find the term bigender. “Yes! That’s me!” My generally stoic child is over the moon. (age 8)
“Some people like you prefer to go by pronouns like they/them instead of he/him or she/her,” I say. “Yes, I want that,” they respond.
I write a formal request for the school to correct my child’s gender on applicable paperwork and refer to them by their desired pronouns. It is ignored.
I am a teacher at the same school where my youngest child is enrolled. Parents of my students ask me about my children. “Do you have children?” they ask. “Yes, I have a set of twins. A son and a daughter. I also have a younger bigender child.” I can see the distaste in their facial expressions at this last comment.
It hurts.
“Parents have complained. They don’t understand. They think it’s inappropriate,” says my boss. “I think it’s better if you keep it [your child’s gender] to yourself. Just don’t talk about it.”
We move schools.
The new school is better, but now my child and I are both hyper aware of how careful we must be to protect ourselves. I respectfully continue to refer to my child using their desired pronouns. I suppose a silver lining is that I am a teacher, so I am used to explaining grammatical rules. Yes, it is grammatically correct to use they/them/their as singular pronouns. I provide colleagues with examples, but I shouldn’t have to. I’m noticing that I do a lot of things now that I never had to do for my cisgender children. I am afraid that my new boss will catch on and say something when she notices my consistent use of these pronouns for my child. She hasn’t. Yet.
“Are you a boy or a girl?” other kids ask at recess one day.
“I’m both,” they respond. The other children do not understand and say, “No, you’re not. You can’t be both!” I am not there in this moment. My child is brave, but their feelings are hurt. A counselor intervenes. When I hear this story, I can’t help but think to myself that this is only primary school…what is going to happen in middle school? In a bathroom? When there are no adults to intervene? I know of the increased risk of violence against trans and nonbinary folks. It’s more real to me now than ever.
“Boys line up here and girls line up here,” says a teacher. “I’m both,” responds my child. “Oh, well, just go in whichever line you prefer,” the teacher responds. They choose the boys’ line, but only to avoid bullying, as they are more masculine presenting. These are not acceptable choices. It does not provide a fair option for nonbinary children.
“Male or Female?” says the Emergency Room sign-in sheet.
I write in, “Nonbinary. They/them pronouns.” Obviously, I care most about getting my child’s illness treated quickly and effectively, but it is frustrating that not a single adult we interact with in this hospital is even making an attempt to correctly address my child’s gender by using the correct pronouns. A huge part of who they are is being invalidated by medical professionals. As if it wasn’t bad enough to be sick in the ER.
My cisgender children have never had to ask anyone to use their desired pronouns. They’ve never had to worry that other people would misgender them. They’ve never had their gender misconstrued for their sexual identity. They’ve never been told, directly or indirectly, to hide their genders to make those around them feel more comfortable.
They’ve never been asked to put themselves into a gender category they do not feel they belong to or been told by others that they are wrong about their genders.
They’ve never had their genders invalidated by adult professionals. When paperwork provides gender options, theirs are always on the list. I’ve never had to worry that my students’ parents might have a problem with me saying that I have a son or a daughter.
I am not as free to talk about my bigender child as I am to talk about my cisgender children. Now I worry about my job security simply because I need to advocate for the just treatment of my child in a building we both have to go to every weekday. My nonbinary 9-year-old child is not as free to be who they are in public spaces in comparison to their cisgender siblings and peers. The world has made plenty of space for cisgender people.
Where is the equitable space for my youngest child?
To learn more about commonly used gender terms, get your “Gender 101: Beyond Male and Female” guide through the Feminist Parenting Resource Library:
I have privilege of knowing Holly personally and can honestly say that she is just as brave and strong in person as she is in print. I believe that we are all put on this planet for a reason. Holly, you were blessed with your child and this situation because you can handle it and use it to help and educate others. I know it can’t be easy, but your child is so lucky to have you by their side. I’m proud to call you a friend.
Thank you for the beautiful comment Becky! Holly and her children are lucky to have a friend like you. Thanks for being a wonderful support!
I’m in tears, Becky. Thank you so much! I am indeed lucky to have you as a friend! <3
Such a powerful and insightful post.
Thanks Lynne, I’m sure the family will appreciate that.
Such an incredibly important topic to discuss! What an awesome post.
Thanks so much Caitlin.
What I wonder is if the mother had 2 children and then decided not to give the third a gender, to simply let them be who they wanted to be….my third child is much different than his older brother and sister, but he is still a he. He loves Pinkalicious. He loves to have his nails painted. He loves My Little Pony and pink and glitter, but he is still a boy. Am I doing him an injustice by not referring to him as they? In my opinion, children can like and play with whatever they choose.
There is definitely some confusion here so I hope I can clear it up. My twins were assigned male and female, respectively, at birth. They both love to play video games and get pedicures, among many, many other things. We, as their parents, have never once questioned their genders because they have never questioned their genders. They’ve never expressed any sense of gender dysphoria whatsoever. That is not the case with our youngest child. Our youngest began expressing signs of gender dysphoria at a very young age. We have done our best to help them find the words for the way they’ve always felt. And we will continue to support them to the greatest extent possible, as I’m sure you would for your children. So, no, of course you are not doing your child a disservice by not referring to him by other pronouns. All people, children and adults, deserve to be treated respectfully and that includes addressing them by their desired pronouns, whatever those may be.
The simple reason I chose to include some of the things that my youngest child enjoys was to convey a sense of their individuality and humanity. Nonbinary identities are valid. I genuinely hope that one day everyone will be able to understand this, but even if you don’t understand, that’s ok for now. Our family is simply asking for the same level of respect as families with only cisgender children.
So beautifully said. Thanks Holly for further educating us about this. You really articulated the difference between a person’s interests and hobbies as opposed to their innate sense of who they are.
This poor mom has made some nearly irreversible problems in her child’s life by categorizing girls and boys are liking different things. Boys can like glitter and MLP and still be boys…truely. Girls can like cars, and dirt and building things. It’s a lot less confusing for them and they grow up much more secure than if their parent tries to be uber correct in every facet of life and thereby ends up making a horrible mess of their child’s life. The parent is the one who told them they were bigender, etc… The parent is the one who put the extra burden on them of trying to be two different persons. This is just so sad for this child who trusted they mother and their mother is failing to protect them. As for why there are different restrooms, well that has to do with the equipment one is born with and if they somehow feel uncomfortable, I’ve usually been able to use family restrooms or bring my child with me. A grown up acting like they are confused about something so straight forward as bathroom etiquette is why children become confused and insecure.
Hi Leah, while I hesitate to speak on behalf of Holly, I would like to address several of your comments. We are all aware that girls can like cars and boys can like glitter. In fact, that is one of the main ideas we write about on this website. However, it sounds like you simply don’t believe that a person could be bigender or nonbinary, but this is more common than you think. And it’s completely legitimate. This mother is not the one who told her child they were bigender – she simply helped her child find a name for what they were feeling in the heart. She has responded to their deep, gut feelings. I’m sure you have a feeling in your own heart about what your gender is. No one could make you change that, could they? Certainly, they could TRY to deny you of it, but you would know the truth. I hope you can remember that here. By Holly letting her child be themself, THAT is exactly how she is protecting them. I hope you continue to educate yourself about the wide range of genders that people experience.
This post is remarkably written. Thank you for openness and honesty.
Thanks for the kind words Jill. Holly’s words are so moving.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. <3
Thank you for sharing your family and your heart. What a beautiful story and a beautiful message. <3
I agree, Rachel, thank you for the comment.
Thank you so very much. I appreciate every word of support. <3
This must be such a hard thing to navigate. It sounds like you’re doing a pretty great job of letting your child know they are loved and their feelings are valued even if the rest of society hasn’t caught up yet.
Hopefully in the future people will talk more openly about things like this and it will become more accepted. It’s just so sad knowing that some people don’t accept others as they are.
It IS sad that many out there still don’t accept people as they are. I do hope people will continue to discuss these topics openly. Thanks for your kind words to Holly.
Thank you, Meg. I agree. I’d love to see the day when everyone understands, but understanding is not required for respect so we hope that even those who do not yet understand can find it in their hearts to be respectful of nonbinary people. <3
This is a touching story and one of the best pieces I’ve read about topics such as gender.
Really appreciate the comment, Meghan, and I’m sure Holly will too. Glad this resonated with you.
Thank you so much, Meghan. Your words mean more than you know. <3
Thank you so much for sharing insight into your experiences as the parent of a non-binary child. I admire both of you very much. Your story gives me hope that we may one day live in a world that has fewer binaries and boundaries and limitations for our identities and truths. As an educator, I have the privilege to work and learn with many non-binary students and their families. Their bravery and authenticity and resilience inspire me everyday. Just as your story has. Wishing you and your family all the best.
Thanks for this beautiful message Meaghan. We are lucky to have educators like you who care so deeply about respecting and embracing the uniqueness of every child.
Thank you so much for your words and your work. As educators, we are on the front lines when it comes to making progress in this arena. We can help make the world a better and safer place for all children. 💜