Feminist parents who care deeply about raising children outside of gender stereotypes sometimes fumble when approaching conversations with their kids.
After all, you may know a ton about feminism and equality, but when it’s time to translate those to kid-language, you get stuck.
The pink and blue divide is unquestionably strong, with tons of color-coded options for kids in clothing and toy options. And sometimes the images we see are even worse – sexualized and objectified messages that we’d rather hide from our kids than confront them.
But the best way to tackle tough conversations with kids is… to actually have them!
Real-life conversations with children about gender stereotypes don’t have to be scary or intimidating. They simply need to happen, and they don’t need to be perfect.
To tackle gender norms at home, take inspiration from this real-life conversation I had with my 5 year-old.
A real-life conversation with a 5 year-old
For my kiddo’s Easter basket, we grabbed a bag of seasonal M&Ms and sprinkled them in. When I took a closer look at the individually-wrapped packets, I noticed how the two M&Ms were personified on the front.
Instead of the tempting approach – roll my eyes and toss it in the garbage…(Really, who was harmed?) – I dove headfirst into a conversation about it. It went something like this:
(Each separate line represents a switch back-and-forth between my daughter and me.)
Me: Hmmm…. what do you think they’re trying to tell us about this green M&M?
(Kid): That she’s a girl.
Mmm… how do you know?
Well, she has a flower in her hat, and a ribbon, and she’s standing like this.
Yeah… and do I stand like that? (We both imitate the green one.)
No!
Do YOU stand like that?
Not really!
How about this red M&M? What do you think they are telling us about this one?
Well, it’s probably a boy.
Oh interesting, why do you say that?
He’s wearing a bow tie.
True. Some men wear bow ties. Did you know that some women wear bow ties?
No.
Yeah, they do. I actually have a friend who’s a woman and wears bow ties.
Cool!
And how is the green one standing?
Like this! (We both act it out. Hand on hip, thumbs up out in front, getting a little silly.)
What are their personalities like?
Well, the green one seems kind of (kiddo acts out the pose again; can’t seem to find the exact words.) And the red one seems really confident!
Yes, I agree. Are only boys confident?
No, girls are confident, too!
Key Takeaways of the Real-Life Conversation About Gender Stereotypes
So that was our conversation! There’s lots more we could have explored, too – the difference in the sizes of their hands and feet, the shapes of their mouths, and more. It’s not quite a college course on gender studies, but these are the everyday conversations we need to have frequently.
Let’s recap the highlights of this chat:
Detect stereotypes.
Sometimes the hardest part is training your eye and your brain to notice gender stereotypes and acknowledge them. When you visit a store, shop online, or consume media (books, videos) with your children, keep your antennae up. Train yourself to notice when representation of gender, race, or ability is “off.”
Keep it casual and friendly.
There’s no need to sit down and have a serious, grave conversation about gender stereotypes with your kids. Spontaneity is sometimes best! It also takes the pressure off of children. When they suspect something is wrong, they may clam up and fear they’re in trouble.
Consider their age and developmental stage.
This will vary widely depending on your individual child. You don’t have to give your child facts and figures. Depending on their age and developmental stage, you don’t need to rattle off terms like misogyny or patriarchy or stereotype or sexism if you don’t want to.
Use curiosity; not lectures.
Notice how I didn’t deliver a long lecture to my child about why this candy wrapper was “bad.” That would be oversimplistic and create guilt for eating the candy. When you bring true curiosity to tough conversations with your children, it gives them freedom to explore different ideas.
Foster analytical skills.
Using the strategies I outlined here, I was able to support and strengthen my child’s critical thinking skills and media literacy. We need to build our children’s analytical “muscles” if we want them to think independently about rules and norms when we’re not there.
What’s most important about conversations with children about gender stereotypes is to notice them and discuss them regularly.
The more you notice it, the more likely your children are to notice it.
Now it’s your turn! I have a challenge for you. Practice with this image of the crayons I recently spotted at the toy store. If you saw these in the store or in an online advertisement, what would you say?
How would you initiate the conversation with your kids?
Even better… go try it now! Report back and be sure to let us know below how it goes.
In the meantime, if you hope to continue to eliminate your gender bias in the home, model equity, and dismantle harmful messages to children, sign up for the free mini e-book here:
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