The Mental Load of Back-to-School

The mental load of back-to-school as a parent can be daunting, if not crushing. It’s a time of year filled with new activities, big emotions, and lots of transitions. 

So much of this work to prepare children for back-to-school is unseen, which is why we call it “invisible labor.” The school forms, teacher emails, and ongoing research for school supplies, educational needs, and sports teams feels endless.

If you’re the primary caregiver or default household manager, these tasks may fall to you without discussion, on top of an already-long list to care for children and run the home.

THE HIDDEN COST OF THE BACK-TO-SCHOOL MENTAL LOAD

But this work is not easy, quick, or free. Many primary caregivers take time away from work or cut down on paid hours in order to fulfill the dozens of jobs smushed into managing the household. In fact, one expert estimated that, if the work was paid, the back-to-school mental load and execution would cost approximately $60,000.

When the work is invisible, however, primary caregivers feel underappreciated and overloaded. It sounds easy – just buy a new backpack and set of pencils and send your kids off to school! – but it’s much more complicated than that.

MAKE THE INVISIBLE WORK VISIBLE

Many articles discussing the mental load of back-to-school suggest tips such as delegating, setting up a family meeting, and communicating better. 

Too often, though, these tasks fall to the already-overloaded household manager. But the act of delegating first requires the act of conceiving or noticing the issue to be addressed, choosing who should do it, ASKING a family member to do it with words and tone that will be receptive, and then checking back to ensure completion. This cycle of delegation assumes that the primary caregiver or default household manager is indeed responsible for all tasks and that the “helper” should be thanked for any contributions.

Before implementing a solution to the unbalanced mental load, a family needs to first understand the scope of tasks.

To do this, we must make the invisible work visible.

If you’ve ever considered documenting the mental load of back-to-school, I’ve done it for you! 

Rather than separate the tasks out by obvious category, e.g. child care, supplies, teacher communications, extracurricular activities – – I instead categorized them by the type of effort needed. Emotional labor, invisible work, planning and research (also invisible), and execution. This is because most tasks require multiple steps for completion.

(No doubt you’ll think of several additional tasks not on this list – please share them below!)

Emotional Labor: 

• Support children’s clothing desires & expression 
• Understand and respond to child’s feelings and emotions about the new school year 
• Role play / practice the morning routine, transportation, or classroom procedures in advance 
• Develop and maintain relationships with other classroom parents 
• Develop and maintain relationships with teachers, school administrators, and support staff
• Support children’s transition to new child care providers, teachers, and support staff 
• Support children’s transition to transportation, bus routine, carpools, etc.
• Discuss with children their desires for extracurricular activities 
• Communicate with all family members to understand their needs, worries, and excitement for back-to-school 

Invisible Work: 

• Assess children’s clothing and footwear needs
• Assess school supply needs, including backpack, lunch cases, water bottles, and learning supplies 
• Budget/save for back-to-school expenses and activities 
• Coordinate child care for before and/or after school 
• Assess and understand child’s learning needs beyond the traditional curriculum
• Support child’s sleep schedule and transition from summer sleep schedule
• Teach child life skills, such as tying shoes, combing hair, and selecting outfit
• Speak to parents and community members about extracurricular activity options
• Integrate the school calendar & extracurricular activity schedule into the family calendar 
• Communicate with all family members to coordinate timing and schedule; arrange regular family meetings to ensure smooth communication
• Check emails and texts regularly; responding to school/volunteering/activity communications 

Planning & Research: (also invisible work)

• Read and understand any applicable school dress codes 
• Price comparisons for clothing and shoe shopping 
• Review snack/lunch requirements/prices/needs for school 
• Research morning routine posters, ideas for homework success at home, and homeschool needs
• Review any technology/app requirements for remote or ancillary learning, homework, or school communication 
• Research child care options for before and/or after school 
• Research available options for special education needs; talk to other parents and teachers
• Research extracurricular activities; budget/save for same
• Plan for gaps in child care before school year and during first couple of months

Execution:

• Purchase school and classroom supplies 
• Online or in-person shopping for clothing and shoes
• Set up mechanism for school lunch payment 
• Attend orientation, open house, PTO meetings, and parent meetings
• Implement technology/app requirements for remote or ancillary learning, homework, or school communication 
• Interview child care providers, visit child care facilities 
• Pack lunches, snacks, and water (or help/teach child to pack it)
• Prepare school bag (or help child prepare it)
• Transport children to and from school, coordinate carpools, and other transportation 
• Communicate with teachers and school administrators about child’s needs
• Engage in special education meetings, e.g. 504 plan, etc.
• Sign up for volunteering or committees at the school 
• Sign up for extracurricular activities; arrange transportation, equipment
• Schedule and take time off of work to account for child care gaps before and during first couple months of school

Whew! Plus, there are surely many other tasks not listed here.

Has reading this list made you exhausted? Or maybe it has validated your stress at this time of year that is often misunderstood or unacknowledged by your family, peers, or colleagues.

HOW DO I BALANCE THE MENTAL LOAD OF BACK-TO-SCHOOL?

Warning, warning! Shoving this list in your partner’s face exclaiming, “Ha!” will not solve the problem. 

Here’s proof. When Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play, founded this household management system, she first tried making a master list of all the tasks she did around the house to share with her partner, called “Sh*t I Do List.”  It didn’t work. After her partner responded with a monkey emoji covering his eyes 🙈  – – things didn’t change. 

Related: Why Honey-Do lists don’t work

On its own, the list has the potential to make support partners feel shame (which turns into anger and resentment) for not doing their fair share. And to make primary caregivers feel rage and resentment for carrying the vast majority of the work on assumptions alone. 

But a shared online calendar and color-coded folders for kids’ school papers won’t suffice. Better organization alone will NOT solve the problem.

What’s needed is a new vocabulary for couples and families to discuss this work, and a true system that works for the whole family. Bye-bye to reminders and nagging. Hello to clear roles and agreed-upon expectations!

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To learn more about using Fair Play at home, let’s have an online consult (think coffee chat; not high pressure sales) – to see if it’s a good fit for you. I’m a certified Fair Play facilitator and would love to help you feel less overwhelmed and more joyful at home.

P.S. I’ll be hosting an “Unload the Mental Load Challenge” next month. To find out about it, sign up for the community here.