When the kids are back to school and leaves begin to turn golden yellow, it’s the perfect chance to slip into the coziness of the season. Chunky sweaters, a mug of apple cider, boots, pumpkins, and raking leaves.
But we barely have time to enjoy an autumn walk with the family before the holiday chaos sets in. And it seems to start earlier and earlier.
It’s not just Christmas and December holidays. Parents (mostly mothers) are now grappling with the growing mental load of Halloween.
Has Halloween become more work?
The mental load – the constant mental ticker of ALL the things required to keep a family and household running – most often fall to women, especially in heterosexual partnerships.
Is it more complicated now than it used to be? It’s hard to say. Our parents’ generation didn’t have the ease of purchasing costumes and party supplies online. My mother was handy with the sewing machine and MADE several of our costumes. Other times, we used household items we already had – which was less wasteful but required more creative thinking.
Today, we can order magic wands or astronaut suits online with the press of a button. Easy peasy, right? The thing is, the social aspects of Halloween have expanded. Many communities offer reams of fall festivals, “trunk or treats,” hayrides, haunted houses, corn mazes, light displays, and parties.
Even though we think of Halloween as an “easier holiday” – no gift giving, no big family dinners – there are several tasks that go unseen. As one parent said, “I just sighed out loud at the mental load I didn’t realize I had on this holiday, too.”
The newest trend – “Boo Baskets” – creates an even larger mental load at Halloween. (More about what those are here.) No longer is it enough to throw mini Hershey bars in a large bowl for trick-or-treaters on October 31. Now, families in some communities “tag” each other with a surprise basket filled with Halloween treats, toys, and activities. Undoubtedly with pretty and creative orange-and-black decorations. Phew!
Because it’s kind of like a spooky chain letter, modern-day families – usually moms – face a dilemma. Do you continue the chain (adding more to your workload) or pass (and feel like a spoil sport)?
If you choose to skip out on the social events or trends like Boo Baskets, you may wonder – “am I a bad parent if I don’t take my child to this?”
“Will I deprive them of a magical opportunity?”
WOMEN ARE LARGELY RESPONSIBLE FOR HOLIDAY MAGIC
Speaking of magic, the pressure for mothers to create holiday magic is at an all-time high. First, we see what’s possible on Instagram and Pinterest – fall bucket lists & cutesy pumpkin crafts. But if you don’t have the energy, after a long day, to whip out glitter and glue guns, you feel guilty and inadequate. Because you (and 30,000 other followers) have seen what you SHOULD be doing.
At least, what the internet says you should be doing. Or what’s possible.
So why don’t men have this same pressure? Well, the responsibility for holiday magic, even at Halloween, still largely falls on women’s shoulders. In a very un-scientific survey of my community online (approximately 150 people responded: mostly women, mostly parents, most of whom identify as supporters of gender equality), I found the following:
A large majority of women both plan (70%) and purchase (76%) their child’s costumes.
And as any parent knows, the average 4 year-old will change their mind about 12 times before they make a final costume decision – which means the costume plan is no easy task! It may include additional invisible labor, like reading online reviews, price comparisons, borrowing items from friends, posting in online marketplaces, and ensuring that the child’s sensory or unique needs are met.
Women continue to carry the mental load of social planning, too. A whopping 71% of respondents have the sole responsibility to plan and host school parties, community events, and trick-or-treating plans.
While many respondents answered “both of us (my partner and me) equally,” there were NO categories of Halloween tasks for which men are chiefly responsible. Related: can men become true equal partners at home?
(It’s important to note that some of the “both of us equally” responses may involve same-sex female couples. Ninety-five percent (95%) of respondents were women, 2% men (3) and 2% (3) non-binary.
The most active task for men (and partners generally) is to buy the candy for trick-or-treaters. I can’t even get too excited about that, because only 14% of men/partners do that task alone. Also, it doesn’t require much thinking, planning, or consulting with kids.
Men are somewhat more involved in autumn/Halloween decorations. While 75% of women plan them, 25% of both partners execute together and 9% of men execute decorations alone.
SO WHY DON’T WOMEN “JUST SAY NO” TO HOLIDAY DEMANDS?
Well-intentioned partners and friends may try to let women off the hook for carrying the mental load of Halloween by encouraging us to let things go. To just say no. (Because we know it has detrimental impacts on women AND on men.)
But the one thing most clear from the survey is…
Mothers are torn between the excitement + fun of Halloween (Cute costumes! Excited children! The chance to pretend!) with the demands, extra work, over-commercialization, and gender stereotypes of many costumes.
The answer isn’t simple. You may wonder: “if I opt out, do I deny my kids of the wide-eyed wonder & excitement that feels short-lived during childhood?”
Also, “will I be judged by others if I half-ass the holiday or opt out entirely?” The social pressures are real, and not always understood by male partners.
HOW TO EASE THE MENTAL LOAD OF HALLOWEEN
So where do we go from here?
Maybe we don’t really need our spouses or our own parents to let us off the hook. Or even our best mom friends. Maybe we need to let OURSELVES off the hook for the extra work that feels required, or even necessary.
Enough with the idea that our worthiness as women, as mothers, is dependent on our ability to perform as a Martha Stewart wannabe.
First, have a heartfelt conversation with your partner about the holiday tasks you’ve taken on without ever really discussing that they’d be your job. Until our male partners truly understand the planning behind each event & the social pressures of opting out, things will never change.
Next, search your heart for what is truly important to you and your family about each season and each holiday.
It turns out: my 7 year-old’s absolute favorite fall activity isn’t a haunted house or pumpkin picking. It’s when leaves fall from trees and she tries to catch them as they flutter to the ground. We call it “leaf catching.”
It’s simple and free. And involves no additional planning or shopping.
But the absolute best part of leaf catching? Through her eyes… it’s also magic.
Want more support to even out the mental load with your partner & de-strain your brain? Let’s hop on a free call to see if we can work together to move things off your plate & make you feel like a real person again.
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