My grandmother called one day to see what size diapers my kid was wearing. “I’m at Costco,” she said. “I’d love to get some diapers for V. What size is she now? And which brand do you like best?”
I paused uncomfortably.
Don’t get me wrong. The offer was the sweetest. My grandmother is Italian, so cooking and clothing the baby were how she best knew to help; the useful ways. She would show up with homemade minestrone soup, not a tutu and a headband, thank the Lord.
The reason the question was awkward is because… I didn’t know the answer.
Mom brain, right?
No. No. Like, I really did not know the answer to that question because my husband was responsible for the diapers and wipes.
For a moment I felt embarrassed and foolish. What kind of mother doesn’t know what diapers her baby wears?
Related: Boymom vs. Girlmom? Let’s ditch the competition
THE MENTAL LOAD OF MOTHERHOOD
In conversations about “balancing career and family” in heterosexual partnerships, we’ve slowly moved from the amounts of time that men and women spend doing housework and child care to the mental load of running a household and raising children. (Not to say that Problem #1 is completely solved, but we’ve observed and named Problem #2.) This includes the doctor’s appointments, the play dates, the school forms, and the scheduling.
Jessica Valenti wrote an interesting piece this week about “the mental labor of having kids that’s often most taxing.” This invisible work fills our minds, she says, and we carry it around with us whether we’re at work or trying to fall asleep at night. She’s right.
Valenti also points out that women are expected to do the mental and emotional work, and judged if we don’t.
Even the act of delegating is included in the mental load.
Our culture has also named this problem the “default parent” issue. Who do the children seek if they can’t find their flute, and who makes the doctor’s appointments, and babysitter arrangements? When one parent works outside the home a lot more than the other parent, that mental labor somewhat naturally goes to the latter. But there are fewer and fewer households today where one parent is a full time caregiver. And actually, female primary breadwinners are three times more likely to maintain the children’s schedules than male primary breadwinners, so that logic doesn’t cut both ways.
Reporters and voters still ask female candidates for political office how they will balance work and family, but rarely ask men. A candidate friend of mine was even asked WHERE her kids were one particular evening, as if she’d neglected to make arrangements for their care and left them alone. Do we ever ask professional men where their children are?
Related: when parenting feels hard: 5 ways to develop resilience
DADS ARE NOT CLUELESS
Over the last several years, family members have told me “I’m so lucky” to have the kind of husband I do – a fully hands-on dad who knows and anticipates our child’s needs.
To call myself lucky diminishes the conversation, though. I see more and more fathers playing active and intelligent roles in their children’s lives. There are very few millennial and Gen X dads who spend 6 hours on the golf course on Saturdays. They coach soccer, rake the lawn, and go apple picking instead.
To call me lucky implies that I should do all the caregiving and household responsibilities because I’m a woman, despite anything else going on in my life. It also implies that I would be responsible for my house, my job, and my child, had I married an average guy.
This Amazon Echo ad reinforces the myth that men aren’t capable of caregiving on their own, and women must think of EVERYTHING for fathers to succeed.
Thanks to A Fox and a Frey for alerting me to this terrible ad. Really, we can do better.
My husband and I were married for eight years before having a child, so we’d developed a good rhythm for how we share responsibilities. There were times in our 20s that my job was more demanding than his, or paid more, or vice versa, so our responsibilities at home fluctuated accordingly. He’s never been the clueless or helpless dad that our culture likes to paint (see Beauty and the Beast or Everybody Loves Raymond.)
NAVIGATING AN EQUAL PARENTING PARTNERSHIP
What I didn’t anticipate is the guilt that accompanies this equal parenting stuff.
My husband cleans the house more than I do, does most of the grocery shopping, and packs our kid’s bag for school. He carries the mental load of what she needs for the day, and is in the midst of figuring out a furniture rearrangement in her room, along with many, many other roles.
But I do retain most of the responsibility over our social calendar, weekend activities in town, gifts for family and friends, babysitters, and both the offer and preparation of dishes when we attend a cookout or holiday gathering. These are privileged duties, for sure, but ones that are nevertheless part of my life.
More: are you lonely, new mama?
Despite my own mental labor, I get a little self-conscious when my husband prepares a plate for our child and sets her up to eat at a family gathering, while I take 5 minutes to have a glass of wine and catch up with my cousin. I wonder to myself, do they think I’m lazy?
Or when I don’t know what kind of diapers we use. Do I sound like a clueless mom?
How do we get past the guilt of an equal parenting partnership?
DITCH THE GUILT
But there’s a certain power, or release of power, when you admit that you’re not the only parent to this child. And that you don’t know everything.
When I dare to utter the words “I don’t know,” I slowly help to chip away at the “Wonder Woman Mom” myth.
I can’t do everything for our child, and I shouldn’t. And I also shouldn’t pretend that I’m in control of all child-related matters.
Because we also have a responsibility to the next generation. If we share our tips with mentees in the workplace about public speaking and negotiating for raises, we also owe younger women an example of a partnership that is possible. A partnership that will help them to be a mom who doesn’t “do it all.”
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I love this! Super important to note that times have changed and both parents should have equal roles!
This is so important. I don’t think my parents ever actually co parented, or understood what that was lol but they did what they could. Hopefully one day ill have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and use these wonderful strategies in my parenting.
Absolutely amazing post with so many points that so many people need to read!
Thanks Caitlin! I’m glad it resonated with you.
While it seems clear to me, at least when I see the way my brother and his wife manage with their two children, the landscape of parenting is changing. I do wonder if that is mainly because they both work full time. It is hard for women to escape the gender roll of primary caregiver. And I’m sure it was a man who came up with that commercial.
You’re right, I think it’s easier to have more of a shared arrangement when both parents are working. But yes, even still, it’s hard for women to escape the primary caregiver mentality.
Wow this was so excellent. I have been super hesitant to have kids, partially because I just knew that I couldn’t deal with being The Primary Parent. Now that my husband and I have been married over seven years and done a lot of life together I’m starting to have more faith that we could find a path that works for both of us through parenthood. Love that you’re talking about these issues and breaking the stigma!!
That’s definitely something most people don’t think about. Why does it always have to be the mother who knows everything? She should definitely share those responsibilities with the dad and not feel bad if she doesn’t know every little thing about raising their child. Afterall, no one freaks out if the man doesn’t know what size clothes his kids wear or when he has Drs appointments
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I love, love, love this post. Beautifully written and very well said. My husband and I both work and we do a lot of co-parenting and he’s always happy to help but I do still find myself being the “default parent” unless I actively delegate to him. Over the years we’ve found certain ways to deal with it all and certain tasks have definitely become “his”. Ahhh parenting is no joke.