I still remember when my daughter came home dejected from kindergarten. “Paige doesn’t want to be my friend anymore,” she said.
After a little prodding, I learned that they’d had a disagreement about how to spend recess. Paige hadn’t actually said that she didn’t want to be friends anymore. But this disagreement led my child to believe that the friendship was over.
And really, at the age of 5 or 6, how would she know otherwise?
Parents of similar-aged boys will shake their heads knowingly. “I’m so glad our boys don’t have to deal with that.”
But what if the idea that boys can escape “friend drama” isn’t actually a good thing?
Is it actually “drama”?
We’re so quick to dismiss all relational conflicts between girls as “drama.”
Movies like Mean Girls give us a nifty label to slap onto children and teens who are trying to navigate difficult social dynamics, while we ignore the very valid feelings and insecurities underpinning these conflicts.
The child might have a need for validation or a sense of belonging. They look around and think hmmm…what is needed for me to secure my belonging here? and take clues from the structure around them. Then they follow the rules of that mini-society just to survive: to have a friendly face to depend on; to be safe from teasing; to feel at peace during their day.
Certainly, behaviors like gossipping, taunting, and exclusion can escalate and cause serious problems. But the benefit of guiding a child through these dynamics is the ability to teach them behaviors to avoid and how to be a good friend.
The sexist labelling of drama
Labelling all interpersonal conflict as “drama” is sexist at its core. Instead of elevating friendship as an important component of life that requires nurturing, repairing, and tending, the term “drama” downgrades it to something overblown, unnecessary, or spiteful.
Drama is inextricably linked with femininity. (When was the last time anyone called a man dramatic?) And so, similar to concepts like caregiving, empathy, and community – deemed feminine and unimportant – we shove interpersonal dynamics into the corner as something to either vilify or ignore.
Related: Boys and Femininity: What Are We Scared Of?
Most of us aren’t born with these skills
Let’s remember, though, that most of this behavior is learned, not inherent. Certainly some children are introverts at heart, peacemakers, or unaware of social rules. They might avoid social dynamics just to maintain a peaceful environment or because they prefer to spend time alone.
But for children who crave friendship and deep connection, these conflicts with friends are unavoidable and often originate from the environment around them.
Let’s go back to Mean Girls. Remember that Cady (Lindsay Lohan) was not born with the prowess to climb the social ladder. Raised by zoologists, Cady, at first unfashionable and awkward, grew up somewhere in the vague wilderness of Africa (a generalization to unravel another day) homeschooled by her parents. When she arrives in this suburban high school, she’s clueless about American social dynamics and customs.
Slowly, Cady creates schemes to raise her own standing. Any of Cady’s deceitful behavior is learned directly from “The Plastics,” the popular clique. She sees an opportunity to fit in and tries it on for size. Can she succeed? If so, what will she achieve?
To be clear, not all “friend drama” is mean-spirited. Sometimes two friends simply can’t agree, one friend develops new interests/friends, or someone feels excluded or hurt.
Why boys can actually benefit from “friend drama”
In addition to being learned, for better or worse, relationship dynamics have long-term meaning. They are essential to a life that includes family, friends, love, and a career.
If we paused long enough to stop demonizing relational dynamics between young girls as catty, overblown, and mean-spirited at its core, might we recognize the inherent worth of the “drama”?
Many parents of boys count their “luck” for avoiding friend conflict. They witness their sons disagree with friends and move on quickly. This seems like a wonderful thing: less drama, low conflict, low emotions.
But what it’s not the real truth? What if our sons don’t necessarily experience less conflict, but simply lack the tools to process it and deal with it?
Their feelings might still be hurt. But they’ve received message after message in our pink-and-blue world that they must be tough. That to dwell on it or cry about it would likely garner shame and embarrassment.
Many of those same self-proclaimed “boy moms” who count their blessings about avoiding “girl drama” are frustrated by adult relationships with men who won’t express their emotions. They often wish that men would notice the emotional labor they devote to their family every day. Because if those same women don’t create friendships with other parents, keep tabs on their in-laws, buy birthday gifts, and tend to scraped knees, it seems like no one will.
Related: What is Fair Play? (How to manage the mental load.)
The benefits of navigating friendship and feelings
Friendship conflict has so many important lessons for children. They learn to see a friend’s perspective about a situation – listening skills! They learn to notice the impact of their words and actions on other people – compassion! They learn how to check in with a friend who seems upset – empathy! They learn to revisit a situation that could have gone better – repair! They learn how to share what they’re willing and not willing to do – boundaries! They learn which friends they feel good around and which they don’t – self-respect! They learn how to accept a friend’s apology – forgiveness! They learn how to actually make an apology – humility!
So, what if we didn’t try to avoid friend drama? What if we actively awaited our child’s first tiff with a friend so that we can use the opportunity to build their empathy, imagine the other person’s perspective, and even how to issue a sincere apology.
Instead of pretending our boys don’t have feelings, let’s welcome those feelings with open arms. Let’s tend to those feelings and expand our sons’ capacities to feel deeply, so they can become men who care.
Photo on Pexels: Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva
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