“Mom, I don’t want you to go.”
This is what my daughter said to me one Sunday night as I was preparing for a little bit of “me time.” My shoulders sagged as I saw her sad face. It would have been easy for me to scrap my plans and spend time with her instead.
Because when the mom guilt takes over, it can be all-consuming. It can stop you in your tracks – freeze you from the thing you said you’d do for yourself, whether jogging, reading, or meeting a friend for lunch.
A lot has been said about mom guilt over the years – a phrase I struggle with (more on that below)…
….but what if it’s NOT actually guilt?
Let me back up a little to that Sunday night.
I’m part of a group called Flourish Alchemy, a supportive community (of mostly women entrepreneurs) who meet three times a month. Hosted by Beth Larsen, we do grounding, creative activities like breath work, as well as more structured work, such as monthly planning, to make progress on our personal and professional goals. In short, it’s been an extremely positive experience for me over the last couple years that has helped me stretch and change in ways I hadn’t anticipated!
I love checking in with this supportive group of women on the first Sunday of every month to celebrate successes and plan the upcoming month in a way that is MUCH different from your standard to-do list.
My partner 100% supports my participation in this group, even if he doesn’t totally understand what I’m doing during that hour.
My daughter, however, wasn’t that thrilled for me to close the door that particular Sunday evening to do my thing.
I felt a small tug in my heart.
She doesn’t want me to leave her. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this. Maybe I should be spending more time with my family.
We could slap a label on this and call it “mom guilt.” But this term is tricky because, even though there’s a growing recognition that dads experience guilt in the face of societal pressures to “provide” (a/k/a earn money) for their families, this phenomenon is deeply rooted in gender norms.
The way we discuss parental guilt is still heavily lopsided toward women.
The simple act of even engaging in a conversation about mom guilt seems to reinforce that women should be home when they’re working, and working when they’re at home.
The origins of parental guilt gives us a “chicken and the egg” quandary. Are we actually feeling guilt for not being with our families 24/7? Or is it society telling us that we SHOULD feel bad about being at work, spending time with friends, or nurturing our creativity?
Even when women work as many hours as men, they feel disproportionate pressure to volunteer at school, show up to every practice, and deeply integrate into every aspect of children’s emotional and social lives.
So… do we truly feel bad about “missing” every moment?
Or are women simply expected to be in too many places?
That means that there’s a chance our guilt isn’t even guilt.
We face an unquestionably large number of “shoulds” every day – drink water, sleep more, play with kids, eat enough fiber, earn money, save for the future, maintain friendships, research everything that touches your children’s bodies, get therapy and improve yourself, help your family and friends, volunteer, do activism, go on date night, read the news, raise emotionally regulated children who are grateful, happy, and kind. And oh yeah, do it all while looking good in a perfect home.
When the demands on our time seem more intense than ever, it’s easy to think you’re failing.
Especially in a society that devalues caregiving and emotional labor, where many families have minimal to no structural support.
Related:
Ditch the Mom Guilt When Your Child Plays Alone
Holiday Guilt Detox for Feminist Parents
But when I thought twice about my daughter’s feelings, I realized that her disappointment wasn’t actually about the amount of time that I spent (or didn’t spend) with her.
We had just ended a week-long staycation of day trips and pool visits. She was about to start camp the following morning and faced mixed feelings about it. It was sad for this relaxing family fun to end. Maybe she could even sense that we were less distracted by work and more present with each other.
This gave me a lightbulb moment that I’ve had before – – sometimes when we think our children are upset for one reason, further digging can surprise us. I like to hunt for the root cause. And in this case, my pangs of guilt probably arose from my kid’s disappointment that our long stretch of family time was coming to an end, rather than her simply not wanting me to spend time for myself.
Like almost everything in life, guilt is a practice.
These waves of guilt come less frequently and in smaller waves than they used to. But only because I practice taking time for myself and sitting with the uncomfortable emotions that arise when I do.
In a world that tells you to give-give-give until there’s nothing left, it’s an act of resistance and an act of discomfort to do otherwise. But one that pays off in the end, because if you change your plans and self-sacrifice every time it feels uncomfortable to prioritize yourself, it doesn’t help in the long run. When you act out of alignment with your true desires, you end up feeling worse – more frustrated, impatient, overwhelmed, or insecure.
The twinges of guilt might never disappear completely. But instead of viewing them as a source of shame, try to view them as an invitation to look at the situation differently. Ask yourself:
How are cultural/gender norms influencing my feelings?
Are my children signaling a different need?
How will I invest time and care in myself, to feel more peaceful, energized, and excited?
If you’re ready to carve out more time for yourself & re-discover what lights you up, join the Unicorn Space Book Club & Workshop Series! Reserve your spot by July 15:
Awww, this needs to be heard by all the moms in the whole world!!
Aww thanks Beth! Agreed! 💜
Good points. Essentially, we can all relate to how moms feel and our roles.
such a needed post for all of us moms and parental guilt is certainly more societally towards the mom..
I LOVE THIS! I love that we are working to live guilt free as moms. This is so good!
Mommy guilt is something that I have gone though when my kids were little. I always felt bad when I have to leave them at daycare, so that I could get to work. But now I have learned I was not alone , and I was able to asked for help as well.
Mom guilt is so real, but it’s crucial to prioritize self-care. Your Flourish Alchemy group sounds like a wonderful way to grow personally and professionally!
You always have to have a bit of time for you especially if you are a work at home or stay at home Mom. I worked full time while my oldest daughter was young so I never wanted me time… I got plenty of that when working as I had a great group of friends that I worked with daily. I wnated to sepnd every minute possible with her…. as I had already missed so much while working full time. Now…. I work from home and some me time is essential to your sanity LOL. Never feel guilty about that 😉
I really enjoyed your article on “mom guilt”! It made me realize that much of this guilt comes from societal expectations, not personal failings. Your perspective on using these feelings to reassess our needs and priorities is so refreshing.
This was good to read. The mom guilt is all to real and I need to learn how to deal with it,
I used to get mum guilt a lot when my kids were little, but now that they are teenagers, I don’t feel it at all. Normally now, if they don’t want me to go somewhere it’s usually because they want to come too.