What is Feminist Parenting?

When you hear the term “feminist parenting” some people think immediately of the myths. They’re a bunch of angry man haters! They’re trying to erase our children’s gender! It’s a bunch of girl power stuff that has nothing to do with me.

We explore those and other feminist parenting myths here. Now that you know what is ISN’T, you may wonder: what exactly IS IT? 

Is it just a parent who cares about gender equality? 

That’s a start. But feminist parenting, when taken in the true spirit of intersectional feminism, goes much deeper. 

FEMINIST PARENTING IS A PHILOSOPHY

You decided to nix the gender reveal party (because you know it’s more accurately a genital/anatomy reveal). You’ve filled your home with books with strong female characters. Plus, feminism seems like a no-brainer because gender equity would be an amazing accomplishment. 

And of course, you want your children to embrace who they really are. 

Do all those things add up to feminist parenting? Well, they are certainly positive steps to eliminate gender stereotypes. And they align with your deeply held values of equality and social justice. But it’s not just an “add-on” to your current parenting philosophy. It’s an approach deeply embedded within everything you do as a parent.

It’s not just about clothes and diverse books and toys and attending rallies. It impacts the mundane (but important) stuff, too: bathing, sleep, food, doctor’s visits, behavior and discipline, physical affection, and communication. 

So let’s go deeper. Ready? Here are the five pillars of feminist parenting and how to get started. 

THE FIVE PILLARS OF FEMINIST PARENTING

Remember, feminism can look different for everyone. Your parenting philosophy is deeply influenced by your intersecting identities, life experiences, and more. This is not a one-size-fits-all mandate; rather a framework to consider how you show up for your children and for social justice at the same time.

Disrupt your gender bias and crush gender stereotypes 

We all have bias. Clear and simple. Even if you’re an academic feminist who has studied texts by Betty Friedan, bell hooks, and Audre Lorde – you aren’t perfect. You, too, will notice gender stereotypes creep into your subconsciousness.

It doesn’t mean we are bad people. It just makes us human.

Bias comes from many places: subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages from our family, media, teachers, peers, and more. The first step is to acknowledge it’s there. Only then can we work to diminish our bias. And, of course, our bias extends beyond gender. We have bias about race, religion, ability, sexual orientation, immigration status, and body size. Our biases are assumptions we make based on our subconscious beliefs about an entire group of people. 

Feminist parents question their biases every day. When a child scrapes their knee or breaks a lamp, how is your reaction impacted by gender stereotypes? When a child insists everyone play a game their way, how is your reaction influenced by bias?

In feminist parenting, we claim that supporting our child’s true identity is important to us. Sure, it’s cute when your 3 year-old little boy puts nail polish on or clunks around in your high heels. But what happens when he goes out into the “real world”? When children face the possibility of teasing, your gut instinct is to protect them and shield them from unnecessary pain. Suddenly, your core desire to support your child’s individuality starts to quiver. 

But feminist parents also know why crushing gender stereotypes is important. Stereotypes influence our very plastic brains, which adapt to the messages surrounding us. They can have a significant impact on children’s career choices, self-worth, relationships, and ability to achieve their full potential.

Create a gender-inclusive home and environment 

For many feminist parents, this is the chance to have some fun. Fill your child’s bookshelves with a diverse range of characters and authors! (Roundup of 25 feminist kids’ books to get you started.) Find open-ended toys that aren’t hyper-gendered! Build a child’s wardrobe that goes beyond pink or navy blue! Definitely the fun part. 

But to dig deeper into the feminist parenting philosophy, get critical about your children’s surroundings. What do the gender roles inside of your home convey to your children? This is not a subtle dig at stay-at-home parents whatsoever. In heterosexual partnerships, look beyond who works outside of the home. Who manages the running of the household? Who provides emotional comfort to the kids when they’re upset? Boundary-setting and “discipline”? Creating community? The social calendar? Whose voice is considered the reasonable one? Our gender roles in the home often tell a story without you saying a word.

Related: equitable partnerships and the mental load

A gender inclusive home:

• Uses intentional language
• Respects and honors all gender identities and the freedom of individuals to name it themselves
• Engages in frequent conversations about gender roles and stereotypes.

Respect children’s full personhood: consent, body image, and agency

This is a big one! Respecting a child’s full personhood includes dismantling power structures within the home that mimic the patriarchy, developing a positive body image that’s rooted in fat acceptance and self-worth (beyond appearances), and bodily autonomy and body respect that are rooted in pleasure, self-acceptance, and physical agency.

In sum: 

• Respectful communication and interaction
• Body image
• Consent, body respect and safety

Let’s use an example. The “no thank you bite” is a recent parenting technique that overlaps these concepts. If you’re not familiar, it’s when parents require a child to take one bite of each food presented at a meal before refusing it. It stems from the idea that parents need to “get” our children to eat certain foods and nutrients at each meal.  

But it doesn’t mesh well with the feminist parenting philosophy. Imagine showing up to a breakfast buffet where the servers required YOU to taste a piece of every single food before refusing it? Most adults would walk out.

But yet, we use this technique on our children, leveraging the power and privilege of our position as adults and parents to force our kids to do something they don’t want to do. It overrides their connection to hunger, fullness, satiety, taste, enjoyment, and sensory preferences. 

Instead ask yourself: what information do my kids need that they don’t have? How can the exploration of food be fun? How can I respect their ability to know their bodies? How might I support their positive relationship to food? Can I help them trust themselves? How can I help them challenge authority? How is my need for control interfering with their body trust? 

These questions help feminist parents build true consent culture and body respect into everyday moments of parenting.

Create a feminist parenting community 

The feeling of belonging is so important that some, like Brene Brown, have called it a birthright. But as you age and your values become clearer, it can sometimes lead to a feeling of un-belonging if they conflict significantly with those around you. 

This isn’t to say that we must parent exactly like everyone around us – everyone has different styles. We don’t need to be carbon copies of each other. But when you create a village of friends and family who “get it,” parenting no longer feels so lonely. Or so hard. 

When I had a small toddler, my best friend (who lives in another state) kindly asked, “do you have any friends nearby with children the same age?” I had a strong professional community, lots of high school and college friends in other towns and states, but no one in my immediate community in the same stage of life.

It takes work, but I quickly realized the value of finding “your people.” Feminist parenting isn’t something we only do ourselves in our little home bubble. 

How can you integrate your desire for gender equity and social justice into the fabric of your social circle and immediate community? How will you navigate tough conversations with your current family and friends?

If your partner has a tough time recognizing their own misogyny and the grandparents keep asking when you’ll cut your son’s long curly hair, create an intentional feminist parenting community around you to support your journey. 

Raise social changemakers

The fifth and final pillar of feminist parenting distinguishes this philosophy from a simple avoidance of gender stereotypes, or what some call “gender neutral parenting.” Critical factors in feminism are action and a commitment to social justice.

Listen/watch: the difference between gender-neutral parenting & feminist parenting (interview on Cadysitting)

Feminist parenting does not only prioritize gender equity. It must be dedicated to eradicating oppression of all kinds. It respects the tenets of intersectionality, coined by Dr. Kimberle Crenshaw, which acknowledges and values the experience of the intersecting oppressions arising from multiple identities. For example, a cisgender, straight, fat Black woman will have different experiences than a neurodiverse, white queer transgender woman. Both face oppressions, but have different experiences.

I’ve been lucky to learn from several anti-racism experts that centering the most marginalized experience is the best way to achieve freedom and liberation for everyone.

And in order to create a world where every person is free and liberated, we must raise empathic children with both courage and humility who believe in their voice, have the tools to challenge power, and know when to step back and elevate others.

Grab our free guide, 10 Sneaky Places Your Gender Bias is Hiding: