When Your Child Pushes You Away: 5 Ways to Develop Resilience as a Parent

At a local coffee shop, I noticed a couple in their 20s sit down at a large table, with the young woman’s parents. They were squabbling about which chair to leave empty (maybe for another guest?) The young woman looked exasperated & rolled her eyes at her pre-retirement aged mother a few times.

The mystery guest finally arrived. (And I stole a few sideways glances.) The group started to chat about flowers and bridesmaids – she was the wedding planner! When I realized this friendly looking, seasoned couple was footing part of the wedding bill or trying to be “involved” in the planning process, a wave of sadness washed over me.

Certainly I don’t know the inner workings of this family’s dynamics. Maybe the mother is a constant critic or control freak. Who knows?

But as the mother took the daughter’s scowls in stride without getting huffy or combative herself, I realized she’d been doing this “parenting thing” a lot longer than me!

It was clear – every parent needs resilience. Especially when your child pushes you away.

The all-too familiar “snub”

Just days before, my husband was putting our toddler to bed at the end of a long day. I remembered that she said her teeth hurt earlier that day. Even though her mouth looks like there’s no more room for new teeth, there might be a molar hiding back there about to pop. I thought about what might make her feel better – – that ever-present concern that permanently occupies every parent’s head. I grabbed an old teether downstairs and brought it up to her bedroom, where she was warmly snuggled into her dad’s arms, reading a book.

“Here honey,” I said and handed it to her. “This might help with your teeth.”

She took the teether, looked right into my eyes, and threw it on the floor at my feet.

My chest drooped slightly. I managed a small smile, said “goodnight dear,” and left the room.

Why parents need to develop resilience

Could I have taken the time to address this incident with her? Sure, but as parents – especially with toddlers and preteens – we have to pick our battles. And at the end of a nonstop 13-hour day, our energy is depleted.

Related: Are You Lonely, New Mama?

Plus, it wasn’t really about her throwing the toy on the ground. It was that a very small part of me expected her to acknowledge my thoughtfulness and say “thanks Mom, you knew just the thing I needed. Thank you for always keeping my interests in mind.”

But kids don’t say that.

Ever.

Well, maybe when they’re 35 they will.

This is why we need resilience as parents, especially when children push us away. Most articles on this topic are for parents to help CHILDREN be resilient; understandably. Or how serious situations like child abuse, violence, and addiction can impact a child’s resilience.

Important topics, certainly, but they don’t address the way parents have to bounce back again and again, on a daily and hourly basis. Sometimes minute by minute.

So what can you do when your child pushes you away?

Though the following tips are ideal for toddlers and young children, many of them will work for a child, teen, or tween of any age. Try these 5 ways to deal with the hurt, and develop your parental resilience.

Grab free resources for parents from our library here.

1. Know that children test your limits…repeatedly.

Children push our boundaries constantly; usually because they want to understand limits for their behavior.

They want to know how settled their world is. Are they the boss of the house? Or will an adult provide them with the boundaries they need? At any age, not just toddlerhood, we have to set clear and firm limits again and again.

When they enter the tween and teen years, they actually want you to set boundaries and rules, even when they say they don’t.

2. Remind yourself that your child is still growing.

Kids are not fully formed adults. Their brains, emotions, and logic continue to develop throughout their youth.

At certain points in time, these growth phases are pronounced – during toddlerhood and adolescence, especially, their bodies and brains and hormones are growing and changing at rapid speed. Any logic and reasoning skills for which we’d hoped seemingly disappear. We can’t expect the same logical relationship we would of an adult.

It’s not a personal affront. They’re not attacking you or criticizing you. They simply have no other coping mechanisms.

“Don’t take it personally,” says my wise husband.

3. Be okay with loving your children more than they love you.

After spending the whole day with my daughter, she tripped on the driveway and scraped her knee. As I flipped into gentle nurse mode and tried to help take care of the cut, she cried “I don’t want you! I want Daddy…(sniff, sob, gulp).”

My daughter regularly prefers her father lately, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt my feelings sometimes. But if we look to our kids to provide us with happiness and love and encouragement, we are going to be disappointed, and they will feel confused.

We love our children unconditionally. It’s basically part of the unwritten parent job description.

But our kids aren’t required to love us at every moment. They won’t, and that’s ok. Children need to know we’ll be there for them, no matter how many times they push us away.

4. Transform the dreaded “I hate you” into THIS.

No parent wants to hear these words. But you may already have, or will in the future.

If your child utters this dreaded phrase, take a deep breath before responding. Remind yourself that your child likely needs the limit you just set, and is failing to find other ways to express her anger.

If they say “I hate you” pretend that they said instead –> “I’m pretty mad, but I needed that.”

5. Know that there is a perfect moment around the corner.

You know those moments where you’re overcome with love for your child, think they are the most perfect thing ever and then they spit in your face or poop on the rug, or storm out of the room and slam the door? You sit there thinking, what just happened?

There are no perfect days. But there ARE perfect moments, which are interspersed with lots of freakin’ hard, tough ones. Just know that there will be another perfect one around the corner.