Which Type of Mom Guilt Do You Have? The 4 Archetypes

A few years ago, I was starting my business and creating my first online course for parents. On Saturday mornings, I’d hit the local coffeeshop with my laptop while my husband took our 3 year-old to the playground or the grocery store.

During this time alone, I could sink deep into thought. No one asked me for juice or to wipe their bum. My productivity was sky high.

Fantastic, right? A capable and supportive partner (who didn’t require instructions) and a happy toddler who loved her daddy more than pretty much anything else.

Well, it was great, except… I had this little thing called mom guilt that flared up occasionally.

But not all guilt is created equally. And it’s not something we can just talk ourselves out of. But before you can change your perspective about parental guilt, figure out WHICH type of mom guilt you have and the motivating factor.

4 TYPES OF MOM GUILT

Before we jump in, you might be wondering – isn’t it possible for ALL parents to have guilt? Well, yes, of course. The types of guilt plaguing women & people socialized as girls, however, is specific.

After all, we exist in a culture where intensive parenting (or hyper-parenting or helicopter parenting) is now the norm, at least among upper middle-class families. And, while not every family is economically able to practice it, it’s what most families aspire to.

Plus, women today still have more responsibility for domestic duties than men. Consider this:

Women do 2.6 times more domestic work than men worldwide,
86% of working mothers say they handle the majority of family and household responsibilities; and
72% of mothers who work outside the home feel that it’s “their job” to stay on top of the kids’ schedules. (Bright Horizons survey.)

Knowing these facts, it’s no surprise that mothers today feel that they fall short of this high standard, no matter what they do.

Plus, when parenthood is framed as the highest ultimate fulfillment for women, the pressures on mothers kick into high gear.

Intensive parenting + societal pressure to become a mother + women’s domestic responsibility = serious mom guilt.

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Motherhood Guilt #1: Missing Self Syndrome:

You’re leaving work to go pick up the kids when your boss asks you to show the new guy around. Your email pings with a request from the parent-teacher committee: would you run the pie fundraiser? You take a deep breath and say yes to both, despite the quickening in your chest. And the sinking realization that you’re already drowning.

How will you fit it all in? Staying up late, I guess. Or skipping your quick morning workout – again.

Some might call this a “martyr complex.” But the word “martyr” sounds manipulative and is often used only to describe women. So there’s another term for this now – human giver syndrome.

In Facilitator on Fire, Kay Coughlin describes Human Giver Syndrome as “the belief that some people are expected to put all of their energy into supporting success and providing comfort for other people, and to be attractive and available physically and emotionally at all times while you’re doing it.”

Phew! The description alone is exhausting. We have to DO everything AND look good??

We could easily blame this phenomenon on women themselves and shame them for “taking too much on.” But what is society’s role in this dynamic?

SOCIETY REINFORCES MISSING SELF SYNDROME

In the home, at work, and in the social sphere, women are expected to give. And then give more. Would holiday dinners happen without women? How about school fundraisers? And office baby showers?

In fact, we’ve come to expect this type of unpaid labor from women. For example, managers in the workplace are more likely to ask women to do “non-promotable tasks” (i.e. the grunt ones that won’t boost your career).

The Office even parodied this problem – featuring all women (and sometimes the young male intern, Ryan) on the Party Planning Committee.

via GIPHY

So if you agree to run that extra committee or fundraiser (because, well, you can just stay up late!) it may be a sign that you prioritize serving others over caring for yourself. But it may also be an indication that you understand the world’s expectations for women, and that you’re trying like hell to fulfill them.

In Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, she questions why the ultimate compliment a woman can receive is that she is selfless.

Selfless women make for an efficient society but not a beautiful, true, or just one. When women lose themselves, the world loses its way. We do not need any more selfless women. What we need right now are women who are full of themselves. A woman who is full of only herself no longer internalizes the world’s memos and expectations. A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done, and let the rest burn.”
– Glennon Doyle, Untamed

Potential Motivations for Missing Self Syndrome:

(1) Internalized society’s idea that a selfless mom is a good mom.

(2) Or that you will only receive love by acting in service of others (hey, Enneagram 2s!)

Motherhood Guilt #2: Fulfilled Mom Guilt

The second type of mom guilt happens (ironically!) when women actually DO carve out space to feel fulfillment from a source other than their children and home. Whether you have a career outside the home, create a small business “on the side,” or spend time with your passions, such as painting or hiking – – it somehow feels “wrong.”

Popular media still tell women that their ultimate worthiness on this Earth comes from procreation and turns up its nose at intentionally-child-free women.

So, then, if mothers seek fuel to engage their souls (in addition to loving their children), they often feel shame. Shouldn’t my family be enough? they think.

Am I less of a woman? Am I a horrible mother?

In Eve Rodsky’s Unicorn Space (affiliate link), Katherine Goldstein says:

“America has failed us. There are systemic forces and obstacles that make the work of mothers hard, and yet we tend to feel guilty about the spaces we need away from our children or our partners, the space we need for ourselves to be creative and fulfilled individuals.”

Motivations for Fulfilled Mom Guilt:

(1) to fit into society’s definition of what a “good mom” is

(2) feeling disconnected between your roles of parent and person

Motherhood Guilt #3: the Perfectionist Parent

As a new parent, I fixated on breastfeeding. Despite the first 3 weeks of pain and discomfort, I tried every solution in the book to make it work. And when well-meaning friends and family gently offered me an “out,” I was offended. I simply had to succeed at this.

At the time, I thought it was purely for my baby + her health. But looking back, I see a hint of perfectionism in my nursing journey. It was something I could tackle and problem-solve. A generous dose of an achiever mindset, isn’t it?

As parents, we believe that if we CAN go the extra mile to serve our kids – – we should. And maybe go 5-6 more miles for them, no matter what!

Possible Motivations for the Perfectionist Parent:

(1) a desire to avoid social criticism (whether real or perceived),

(2) praise and recognition from others or achievement-oriented people who want to earn an A+ in parenting (hi, Enneagram 3s!),

(3) belief that your children will be harmed or won’t thrive unless they do fourteen activities per week, have specific toys or perfect nutrition;

(4) a desire to parent the “correct” way or as a “good mom” would (shout out to Enneagram 1s); or

(5) social comparison – if everyone else does XYZ, shouldn’t I?

4 types of mom guilt — *Tap on the image to save to Pinterest for later!*

Motherhood Guilt #4: “I’m the Only One” Syndrome

Remember that great Melissa Etheridge song? “And I’m the only one who’ll walk across a fire for you.” It was romance-focused, but could easily apply to parenting.

How this might show up:

“I have to be at every doctor’s appointment because I’m the only one who knows what needs to be asked.”

“My son needs me and ONLY ME to put him to bed.”

“My partner is a great parent, but needs detailed instructions from me in order to ____.”

Motivations for “I’m the Only One Syndrome”:

(1) Feeling needed by your family;

(2) Feeling important to your child; or

(3) Wanting your partner (and others) to know that you’re critical to the family so that you can hang it over their heads later. (This one is hard to admit, but all-too-common.)

*It’s important to note that this mentality is connected to individualism and is also part of white dominant culture norms. If you’re interested in becoming intentionally anti-racist, consider exploring this element in more depth.

MOM GUILT ISN’T YOUR FAULT

Listen, parental guilt isn’t your fault. It’s not a personal failing or a character flaw.

Simply put: parental guilt, especially mom guilt, is conditioned. It’s a culturally-imposed standard designed to keep women small. To keep us striving for more at the expense of our own health, peace, and happiness.

If we are busy aiming for impossible perfection standards, we won’t take the time to see who we really are. To witness our beautiful messiness and the unbelievable power that arises from truly knowing yourself and your potential.

So let me ask you this – who would you be without that guilt?

Yes, society contributes to our guilt. But if you start to peel back the layers now and shed the armor of who you think you should be, what beauty might emerge?

I help drowning moms create more equity at home so they can stop nagging their families, ditch the guilt & resentment + invest more time in themselves. Contact me if you’d like to learn more about coaching and The Fair Play Method.