Let me get honest. My husband and I were a little under-prepared for my daughter’s first day in her new preschool.
She’s been going to preschool at a child care center for several years, so we figured we had most of what we needed. And she didn’t have the summer off like some kids – she was at her old school the week before – so we didn’t go crazy with new “stuff.”
Turned out we did NOT have everything we need, but we easily supplied it within a couple days. And we’re lucky to have the resources to do so.
Problem solved.
But there was one thing I consciously didn’t prepare: a new outfit for her first day.
When it comes to girls’ back to school clothes, I know it can be fun. For all children, really. A new school year means sharpened pencils and new sneakers, because last year’s sneakers are probably too short.
But I couldn’t help wondering, as I encountered a few strangers’ Instagram photos, whether the outfit chosen for the child was actually FOR the child, or really for the parent.
Here are 3 reasons why we didn’t choose a new back-to-school outfit for my daughter:
1. Her independence is more important than looking cute
In the past month, my almost 4 year-old began a new life skill – – – getting dressed (mostly) on her own. (Cue the party song!) During her 2s and 3s, getting dressed was often a battle. We tried making it fun; we tried visual guides – sometimes it worked but often it didn’t. She struggled to focus and preferred other activities.
Over the last several months, she began to participate more in getting dressed. She took some ownership over choosing clothes and putting on her leggings. We were thrilled.
During this process, my husband and I were usually close by to assist. Until… the last few weeks, when she announced after breakfast that she wanted to walk upstairs on her own (another recently acquired skill), choose an outfit, and put it on.
Woot woot! Every moment of independence feels so freeing.
The point is… I want to support this new skill COMPLETELY. If she feels confident and competent, who am I to interfere? (Except for once in a while when her underwear is on sideways.)
There are times when her independence and agency frustrates me, like when she insists on opening an umbrella for a trip to the store when there’s no rain.
But if exercising her agency is mostly safe and doesn’t wildly disrupt our schedule or my patience, I should encourage it whenever possible.
2. De-emphasize appearance for healthy body image
Ok, hygiene is certainly important. And there’s nothing with wanting your children to take pride in how they present themselves. Plus, clothing can often be artistic and self-expressive.
But I worry when appearance takes center stage. And so often – with our girls, especially – it does.
Sometimes we get so caught up in what they’ll wear for a birthday party, a trip to the beach, a family gathering, or holiday, that we forget the importance of what the event means to us.
Certainly, when kids look unkempt or hair is unbrushed, people usually blame the mom. So the fear of judgment that women face is real. Let’s not underestimate that.
But our kids hear our words actions loudly. The more
we fuss over how they look, the more credence we give to the value of their
appearance.
Related:
- How grandparents can help kids develop positive body image
- 9 ways to greet girls that don’t focus on appearance
- 20 tips for teachers to combat gender bias in school
3. Put that ego aside
In my new guide, “How to Nurture Healthy Body Image in Kids,” one of the 8 new strategies is to get real about your parenting ego.
Let’s be honest for a moment. Have you ever tried to persuade your child to wear those knee socks, that hair bow, or that festive hat because YOU think it’s just too adorable? Yup, me too.
Maybe you have a baby or child who goes along with just about anything, so it’s easy. I never did. I think ponytails look adorable on little girls, but my daughter typically refuses. So if I cajoled her into that ponytail, it would be for ME. Not her.
Whether YOU think that outfit is adorable, or OTHER people would surely find it adorable, squeal, and make lots of “ooohs” and “ahhhhs,” and compliment you on how cute your child is, none of those reasons center your child’s well-being or development.
If it makes you feel really good when people notice your child’s cuteness, ask yourself why. Why is it important to you? Does it feel like you’re a good parent? Or perhaps you received many appearance-based compliments as a child? Or none? Maybe your family didn’t have enough money for updated clothing, so you want your kids to have the best.
Now let’s stop and think again. What are the things you’ll want adults to notice about your child when they are 16? When they are 30?
Cute knee socks and adorable vests won’t matter anymore.
You’ll probably want to hear that your child is kind, thoughtful, industrious, creative, considerate, determined, imaginative, and working to make the world a better place.
I know I will.
To learn more about your parenting ego, and how you can help build your child’s healthy body image, get your free guide here:
Excellent points. It’s hard but really important to have them be independent.
Agreed Alyssa- every point of independence feels like a huge win!
I really enjoyed reading your view. It is something I really hadn’t thought about. When the time comes I think I will take my daughter to pick out her own back to school outfit and will love whatever she chooses. As long as it is appropriate for the weather etc.
Glad it sparked some new thinking!
I love this. I have a super cute little girl and I have to be careful not to dress her for my own ego…plus she has a super sense of (her own haha) style, so I want to encourage that! Even if it does mean some odd outfits at times. 😉 Thanks for the reminders!
Haha that’s awesome that she has her own sense of style and I love the odd outfits. We’ve done a lot of multiple patterns over here! Thanks for the comment, Stephanie.