You’re getting ready to head out on a day trip with the family, excited for a change of scenery.
Naturally, you begin to pack ALL THE THINGS that are required for your kids. Water bottles and snacks. Activities to keep the 4 year-old occupied (hopefully for 6 minutes at a time). Extra diapers and wipes for the baby. A change of clothes for everyone.
The mental list goes on and on.
As you reach to remove 3 stale Cheerios from the bottom of the tote bag, you see your partner head for the hallway. He begins to change a lightbulb in the closet.
Your chest gets hot and you try really hard not to yell, “Why are you doing that now?”
Sure, the lightbulb change is useful. But can’t he see what’s actually needed right now?!? Neither kid is wearing pants and all you really want is a full Yeti of steaming coffee for the road trip.
You switch the baby to the other hip and silently wish you had married a mindreader.
Why doesn’t he know what needs to be done?
You don’t want to be a drill sergeant, barking orders. But your only other option is…to stay quiet, fume, and hope the next road trip is better.
Women’s invisible labor is undervalued
Before we examine WHY the invisible labor is overwhelming women, let’s talk about WHAT it is.
So many women, especially mothers, feel crushed – not just by the day-to-day domestic duties, but by the mental to-do list.
Some call this “the knowing.” The ticker of all the sh*t that has to happen. (Just like the one that runs across the bottom of CNN, except this one’s in your brain.)
The more precise term is invisible labor. And the mental load.
When we talk about invisible labor, some erroneously assume it means you simply complain about household chores. Oh, you just need help with the cooking, cleaning, and household maintenance? No!
It actually refers to the “behind the scenes” stuff that keeps a household running. It usually goes unnoticed. And it’s almost never valued.
Some examples are when you:
- schedule your child’s well visit at the doctor,
- pack bags for the road trip,
- research preschools,
- complete school forms,
- restock the paper towels,
- send birthday cards to your in-laws,
- notice when your child needs new sneakers…
And many more!
Why your partner doesn’t know exactly what needs to be done
If you see that list, nod your head, and think – yup, I do pretty much ALL of that – you’re not alone.
If you have a partner who’s a really good parent & loves you so much… but you just wish he could read your damn mind – you’re not alone.
So why does this happen? Why doesn’t your partner automatically know to pack water bottles for the road trip instead of changing a lightbulb? There are so many reasons. But here are a few:
1. Your household contributions are invisible
Maybe you’ve taken a step back at work – shifted to part-time or a more flexible schedule – which is great, because you can spend more time with the kids. But you didn’t realize that the majority of household duties would fall to you. It just seems to “make more sense.”
Or you are working just as much as your partner… but somehow you’re still in charge of birthday parties & school forms & packing lunches & extracurricular activities.
No one seems to appreciate how smoothly everything is running. Because they don’t even know what you’re doing behind-the-scenes! I mean, that extra loaf of bread in the freezer didn’t jump in there itself. (Related: one way to even the motherhood mental load.)
Even if your partner or kids thank you once in a while, they don’t TRULY grasp the heavy and relentless mental ticker.
2. You are the household CEO
Whether you always intended to be a stay-at-home parent OR you both work full-time jobs, somehow you became the household CEO. The captain of the ship. The wizard behind the curtain. This is what Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play, calls the “She-Fault parent.”
On some days you’re a pro delegator, assigning tasks and getting sh*t done. On other days, you get tired of barking orders at your family and just wish they’d take initiative on their own. Sure, your partner might make dinner tonight and your 8 year-old might sweep the floors, but only if you instruct exactly HOW and WHEN it happens.
Your partner may be decent at doing the task, but not without hand-holding from you.
Related: can men become true partners at home?
3. Uncertainty about who’s doing what
Your 5 year-old is starting soccer for the first time. So you start asking friends for used soccer cleats when your partner says, “oh I just bought some brand new ones.” Or…you desperately need more toothpaste but your partner stopped at the drugstore on the way home without telling you.
Gah!
Your partner means well, but the two of you often get your signals crossed. Or you both do the same task. Worse yet, sometimes a clean pile of laundry goes unfolded for three days because you both kinda think the other is in charge of folding.
It’s not always clear who is in charge of a particular task. Sometimes you actually enjoy doing things together, like gardening or planning your kid’s birthday party, but it requires lots of conversations and sometimes results in duplicated efforts. Or just plain old inefficiency.
4. Lack of understanding about why things are important
You ask your partner at the last minute to pick up some sunscreen on the way home from work. He runs out of time, but is pretty sure there’s a bottle in the cabinet. It turns out there IS, but what he didn’t know is… you need to send your child to camp with an extra tube of sunblock tomorrow morning.
Oh boy, now what? Someone has to make an extra trip OR be unprepared for day 1. (And we all know who they’re gonna blame.)
When one of you is always the “task assigner,” context gets lost. Holding all the knowledge in YOUR head can feel necessary – maybe even empowering – sometimes. But when you’re the only one with that knowledge, you’ll ALWAYS need to be involved with every task to ensure a smooth household.
That’s a lot of weight to carry, isn’t it?
How to better share the invisible work
So if you’re hoping for a mindreader to help share in the invisible work and pull you out of the drowning… you will be hoping and wishing for a long time.
Many people would say I’m “lucky” to have a husband who wipes down the bathroom sink before company comes over. (Without me shouting orders.) P.S. the word “lucky” brings up a pretty big conversation about expectations & gender roles in the home. But the truth is.. not everyone feels that “lucky.”
If you’re tired of being the She-Fault parent, the household CEO, the constant person in charge – – there are solutions. But they don’t happen by hoping & wishing & praying.
You don’t need a mindreader. You need a new system.
Contact me for a free consultation about implementing a system to give you relief. I’m a Certified Fair Play Method Facilitator and would love to help you feel less defeated + more supported at home.
*Some of this content refers to partnerships specifically between a man and a woman, but the Fair Play method works for same-sex partnerships, partners with or without kids, and even roommates.
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